Me: This is my new favorite quote
Me: “I need to change. Since I was 15 I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy. I have not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself. “- Eat,Pray, Love
Mom: Who wrote that? You?
Mom: Eat, Pray, Love -What is that?
Mom: ARE YOU JOINING A CULT?

Backstory: I was whining to my mom about feeling neglected by my boyfriend(who I live with) who is an accountant and obviously quite busy this time of year. I am an only child.  My mom is the oldest of three. We sometimes have a hard time understanding each other because of this.

Mom: IT IS TIME TO GROW UP AND ADJUST TO THE KIND OF BUSINESS HE IS IN. HE ALSO IS PROBABLY PRE-OCCUPIED AND NOT LISTENING BECAUSE HE HAS SO MUCH ON HIS MIND. LEFT BRAINED PEOPLE ARE NOT WELL ADJUSTED PEOPLE. THEY CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME.

Me: LOL You’re right.

Mom: ACCOUNTANTS ARE DULL AND BORING PEOPLE. YOU HAVE BEEN THE CENTER OF ATTENTION FOR A LONG TIME. PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND GET OVER IT.I WAS NEVER THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. BIRTH ORDER!!!!

Mom: I think the guy at starbucks likes you.

Me: Ew. We call him Jethro – cause he’s dumb.

Mom: I can’t listen to you say mean things. Don’t call him Jethro – he’s cute.

Me: He’s on drugs.

Mom: Well, I don’t want you mixed up with someone on drugs.

Me: But you want me mixed up with a barista!? Do you want me to have to bring your grandchildren to live with you after my barista/drug dealer husband leaves us????

Backstory: I’m working on a Ph.D. in Medieval History. My mother despairs of me meeting “nice boys”.  When I met a promising chap at a Chaucer lecture, she wanted all the details.

Mom: By the way what is [he] studying ….is he also history?

me: no, philosophy

influence of medieval ideas on twentieth-century thought

Mom: Ah…..and yet can discuss Jane Austen too! A little scary, no?

me: only in a good way

and it’s kind of mutual

Mom: oh goody…

me: so the Nerd Scores are even ;)

Mom: Ha! I forgot that part of the “list”…

“Matching Nerd Score!”

me: yes, it’s very important

Mom: Darling, I was just talking to Ms. X the neighbor and we realize you have never brought a boy home to meet us. So I just want you to know, I will fully support you and love you if you are a lesbian.

Me: Not a lesbian, stop talking to nosy neighbors, this nuttiness is why I don’t bring men home to meet you.

Me: Soooo….the boy that I met through Sara…ya know – remember? I’ve been talking to him a little and I think I kinda like him. We’re hanging out next week.
Mom: YAY!  Is ‘hanging out’ a new phrase for going out on a date?
Me: Yeah….. “hanging out” is what guys say now for everything…
Mom: SOOOOO glad I’m not 25!  SOOOOO glad!

Backstory: I broke up with my girlfriend after 7 years.

Mom: Ommm, how are you feeling, Dear? Are you very depressed?
Me: I’m doing all right, mom.
Mom: Do you still keep contact with her? Do you two occassionally speak?
Me: Yeah, sometimes.
Mom: Then tell her to return my Tupperware plastic boxes, will you?

Backstory: My 15 yr old niece is “in love” for the first time.  She lives with my Mom so she’s been keeping me updated.

Me: So what’s it like to observe unjaded, unscarred young love blossom?
Mom: Mostly, I just feel sorry for them.

Mom: How was dinner?
Me: Good I think.  I just have a hard time reading him and whether he’s really interested in me or not.
Mom: Well is he physical?
Me: Like physically affectionate?  Yes.
Mom: That’s a good sign.
Me: Yeah, but that could also mean he is just trying to get into my pants.
Mom: You know dear, sometimes it’s okay to have a relationship that is “mutually satisfying.”
Me: …
Me: Wait, are you talking about being f*** buddies?
Mom: Just think about it honey.  Your mother loves you!

Backstory: I share an apt with my brother, who doesn’t date much. He did not know my conservative parents were in town and asleep in the guest room when he brought the girl he’s been seeing over to spend the night. My Mom texted me about 5 min after they left early the next morning.

Mom: Dad says there is a GIRL asleep in your brother’s room! Just thought you would like to know so that you aren’t alarmed when you get up. There’s a GIRL in there.
Me: It’s probably Jenny. Does she have blonde hair?
Mom: Dad says reddish. Maybe strawberry blonde.
Me: Yes that’s her.
Mom: Oh. So you’ve met this Jenny girl? She actually exists?!?
Me: Briefly, yes. She seems nice.
Mom: Interesting. He’s so secretive about this kind of stuff so I just wondered. You know, if she existed.
Me: Mmm hmm
Mom: Well I just thought you should know there’s a girl in there. You can go back to sleep now.