Death by Bad Boyfriend
So, just tell me one thing – are you back together with Josh?
Just so I know if I should hang myself tonight or tomorrow.
Your Brother’s Taste in Women
Backstory: My mom and I are conspiring to get my brother to apply for a perfect-for-him internship at an organic nursery.
By the way if you tell Matt there will be hippy chicks working at this nursery he might be interested! For some reason he likes women with hairy arm pits…go figure!
The Cult of Eat, Pray, Love
Me: This is my new favorite quote
Me: “I need to change. Since I was 15 I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy. I have not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself. “- Eat,Pray, Love
Mom: Who wrote that? You?
Mom: Eat, Pray, Love -What is that?
Mom: ARE YOU JOINING A CULT?
IT IS TIME TO GROW UP
Backstory: I was whining to my mom about feeling neglected by my boyfriend(who I live with) who is an accountant and obviously quite busy this time of year. I am an only child. My mom is the oldest of three. We sometimes have a hard time understanding each other because of this.
Mom: IT IS TIME TO GROW UP AND ADJUST TO THE KIND OF BUSINESS HE IS IN. HE ALSO IS PROBABLY PRE-OCCUPIED AND NOT LISTENING BECAUSE HE HAS SO MUCH ON HIS MIND. LEFT BRAINED PEOPLE ARE NOT WELL ADJUSTED PEOPLE. THEY CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME.
Me: LOL You’re right.
Mom: ACCOUNTANTS ARE DULL AND BORING PEOPLE. YOU HAVE BEEN THE CENTER OF ATTENTION FOR A LONG TIME. PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND GET OVER IT.I WAS NEVER THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. BIRTH ORDER!!!!
Planning for a Barista-in-Law
Mom: I think the guy at starbucks likes you.
Me: Ew. We call him Jethro – cause he’s dumb.
Mom: I can’t listen to you say mean things. Don’t call him Jethro – he’s cute.
Me: He’s on drugs.
Mom: Well, I don’t want you mixed up with someone on drugs.
Me: But you want me mixed up with a barista!? Do you want me to have to bring your grandchildren to live with you after my barista/drug dealer husband leaves us????
At Least Look at Him!
Oh, what a Mensch ….. Honey, you’ve been seeing that bum long enough. He promises you the world but never delivers.
My girlfriend is on Jdate and thinks this guy, “Jedigolf” would be great for you.
PLEASE, make Mom happy, at least look at him.
Calculating the “Nerd Scores”
Backstory: I’m working on a Ph.D. in Medieval History. My mother despairs of me meeting “nice boys”. When I met a promising chap at a Chaucer lecture, she wanted all the details.
Mom: By the way what is [he] studying ….is he also history?
me: no, philosophy
influence of medieval ideas on twentieth-century thought
Mom: Ah…..and yet can discuss Jane Austen too! A little scary, no?
me: only in a good way
and it’s kind of mutual
Mom: oh goody…
me: so the Nerd Scores are even ;)
Mom: Ha! I forgot that part of the “list”…
“Matching Nerd Score!”
me: yes, it’s very important
Prevaricator, Prevaricator, Pants on Fire
Backstory: I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months and I haven’t brought him to meet my grandparents yet. My grandmother, who likes to use big words that I have to look up, is starting to get pretty peeved with me about this.
You can tell the boy the truth….we’d like to meet him! Or you can prevaricate and tell him I can’t seem to get my email address book to work properly, which isn’t really a prevarication, prevaricator.
Bringing Boys Home to Momma
Mom: Darling, I was just talking to Ms. X the neighbor and we realize you have never brought a boy home to meet us. So I just want you to know, I will fully support you and love you if you are a lesbian.
Me: Not a lesbian, stop talking to nosy neighbors, this nuttiness is why I don’t bring men home to meet you.
Glad to Be Grown
Me: Soooo….the boy that I met through Sara…ya know – remember? I’ve been talking to him a little and I think I kinda like him. We’re hanging out next week.
Mom: YAY! Is ‘hanging out’ a new phrase for going out on a date?
Me: Yeah….. “hanging out” is what guys say now for everything…
Mom: SOOOOO glad I’m not 25! SOOOOO glad!
If You Still Speak to Your Ex…
Backstory: I broke up with my girlfriend after 7 years.
Mom: Ommm, how are you feeling, Dear? Are you very depressed?
Me: I’m doing all right, mom.
Mom: Do you still keep contact with her? Do you two occassionally speak?
Me: Yeah, sometimes.
Mom: Then tell her to return my Tupperware plastic boxes, will you?
How to Know When You’ve Found “The One”
you should marry someone not because you think there isn’t anyone else out there, but because you love THAT person. like, if you had a cupcake, you would want to share it with him.
How Sweet Is Young Love
Backstory: My 15 yr old niece is “in love” for the first time. She lives with my Mom so she’s been keeping me updated.
Me: So what’s it like to observe unjaded, unscarred young love blossom?
Mom: Mostly, I just feel sorry for them.
The (Physical?) Possibilities Are Endless
Mom: How was dinner?
Me: Good I think. I just have a hard time reading him and whether he’s really interested in me or not.
Mom: Well is he physical?
Me: Like physically affectionate? Yes.
Mom: That’s a good sign.
Me: Yeah, but that could also mean he is just trying to get into my pants.
Mom: You know dear, sometimes it’s okay to have a relationship that is “mutually satisfying.”
Me: …
Me: Wait, are you talking about being f*** buddies?
Mom: Just think about it honey. Your mother loves you!
Waiting for That Relationship
Backstory: apparently my mom really does think I’m the only 27 currently not in a relationship.
Hey, did you by any chance write an inquirey about a 27 year old who has never had a serious relationship? I read it in the new ELLE and immediately thought of you. I’ll save it for you to read.
How are things going?
Love xoxoxoxoxox and God bless you, Mom
Your Brother’s Imaginary Girlfriend
Backstory: I share an apt with my brother, who doesn’t date much. He did not know my conservative parents were in town and asleep in the guest room when he brought the girl he’s been seeing over to spend the night. My Mom texted me about 5 min after they left early the next morning.
Mom: Dad says there is a GIRL asleep in your brother’s room! Just thought you would like to know so that you aren’t alarmed when you get up. There’s a GIRL in there.
Me: It’s probably Jenny. Does she have blonde hair?
Mom: Dad says reddish. Maybe strawberry blonde.
Me: Yes that’s her.
Mom: Oh. So you’ve met this Jenny girl? She actually exists?!?
Me: Briefly, yes. She seems nice.
Mom: Interesting. He’s so secretive about this kind of stuff so I just wondered. You know, if she existed.
Me: Mmm hmm
Mom: Well I just thought you should know there’s a girl in there. You can go back to sleep now.
Boyfriend Will Need Depends
You know, I hooked your dad by being able to cook so well.
Yes, only a fool would think you are not capable of flapjacks….what will he do if you makes those lucious blackberry blondies…pee his pants? Become the Jizz-Master of all time? Maybe he needs Depends or something if you continue to cook for him. :)
Truckers Are Like Sailors…
Backstory: My cousin is moving in with a trucker she just met.
let’s just HOPE he is divorced and not just SAYING he is divorced. truckers are like sailors one in every port.
When Mom Really Likes the New BF
Backstory: P3 is the nickname my mother has given to my new boyfriend.
Mom: will you see P3?
me: no, he’ll be in NJ on a choir trip
Mom: where? I’ll stalk him
Saint Salad
Backstory: Mom works at a university with a young Greek fella she thinks would be a good match for me, and she emailed me to announce his recent return from vacation. When talking to me, she refers to him oh-so-discreetly as “Greek Salad.”
Saw him and said “Welcome back.” His voice is a bit high but I doubt he is gay since I saw him almost lose his eyeballs looking at a female student with olive skin and long dark, straight hair. Of course, he could just be trying to see if he knew her. He is so committed to causes and good works; he is Saint Salad.
