Boyfriend Will Need Depends

You know, I hooked your dad by being able to cook so well.

Yes, only a fool would think you are not capable of flapjacks….what will he do if you makes those lucious blackberry blondies…pee his pants? Become the Jizz-Master of all time? Maybe he needs Depends or something if you continue to cook for him. :)

Truckers Are Like Sailors…

Backstory: My cousin is moving in with a trucker she just met.

let’s just HOPE he is divorced and not just SAYING he is divorced. truckers are like sailors one in every port.

When Mom Really Likes the New BF

Backstory: P3 is the nickname my mother has given to my new boyfriend.

Mom: will you see P3?
me: no, he’ll be in NJ on a choir trip
Mom: where?  I’ll stalk him

Saint Salad

Backstory: Mom works at a university with a young Greek fella she thinks would be a good match for me, and she emailed me to announce his recent return from vacation. When talking to me, she refers to him oh-so-discreetly as “Greek Salad.”

Saw him and said “Welcome back.” His voice is a bit high but I doubt he is gay since I saw him almost lose his eyeballs looking at a female student with olive skin and long dark, straight hair. Of course, he could just be trying to see if he knew her. He is so committed to causes and good works; he is Saint Salad.

Bald…tattoos? What?????

Mom: Bald…tattoos? What?????
Me: Relax. He likes to express his individuality.
He talked me into getting one too. On my a**.
Mom: You know those tattoos have a way of expanding, or elongating or
whatever the case may be!!!
Me: Why are you re-reading the email I sent you on Monday?
Mom: I am rereading it to see if I see any more “clues” as to this person’s
Me: Why, you gonna Google him???
Mom: If I knew how to google I would google.

How a Man is Like a Sweater

Backstory: This is an email I got from my mother talking about a man I have a crush on but have not yet found the strength to speak to him.

You certainly don’t want to stand back and watch someone else walk out with that sweater you thought you might like to try on.  It’s also really irritating to keep running into someone wearing that sweater — if you never had the chance to see if it was a good fit or not.   If that happens, one can waste time wondering if it would have fit, and then waste more time looking for something similar, and even obsess about it  - rather than resuming “shopping” & maybe even checking out a different Mall.  There are some great things out there.

If it were only all that easy —  could be why so many are checking out shopping online these days.

Love you,

The Coffee of Despair

Backstory: My ex-boyfriend’s parents are coming to town and want me to join them and their son for dinner — on his birthday.

mom: well, if it’s his b-day, you should probably take a gift
me: oh geez
what do you get for somebody whose heart you just broke?
mom: like maybe a starbuck’s gift card or something

Be Careful and Don’t Talk

Me: i have a date tonight
Mom: just be careful out there
Me: MOM, he’s fine. I’ve talked to him and he seems really cool. I’ll probably fuck it up anyway
Mom: Oh, don’t say that. Just smile…and don’t talk

Dating Up

Backstory: My mom recently ran into a family friend who is older than both her and my father.  I have known him my whole life and think of him as an uncle.

mom: I ran into B today and he was asking about you.

me: well thats nice, how was he?

Mom: he’s fine, I told him you were single.

Me: why would you do a thing like that? You do realize that he is older than you right? And he lives with his mother…

Mom: Well who do you expect to date, 13 year old boys?

Red-Headed Heartbreak

mom: you still upset about that boy not calling you back?
me: yes
mom: well, i’m glad he didn’t. he had red hair.
me: it was auburn.
mom: he had freckles.
me: i liked his freckles.
mom: i don’t want you dating anyone with red hair. i would never be able to enjoy the beach.

Don’t Be a Weenie

Backstory: I met an English guy while out clubbing this weekend, and texted my mom about it. she had also recently sent me some Italian chocolates, so i guess it was a twofold meaningful text.

Don’t be blinded by the english accent, you weenie!! love you and hope you enjoy the chocolate.

Definition of a Spinster

Backstory: I am having trouble with my boyfriend and accidentally told my mother…

Well yes – men do have a penchant to be ****holes – it’s in their genes.
Believe me – no man is allergic to marriage unless they are gay – and even then.
Marriage is not obligatory these days people happily live together for eternities without being shackled except that you are English and he is American – savvy? to coin a very nice! carribbean pirate’s phrase – as you can guess I have been watching sky movies!!
Anyway, like I say play it cool and hard to get – a bit of flirting does wonders (but be very very careful who you flirt with), as does a complete make-over on the glam stakes (but wait until I get there and we can do it together!)
One has to be very wiley when it comes to men. Are you still coming home for Imogen’s wedding – why don’t you suggest that ********* comes with you – for Devilment? You are already a spinster – being single and all.
Definition – unmarried, single, spinster of the parish etc. and so forth.

Tee hee Tee hee

Mum >< >< ><

Maybe he should see a doctor.

Have a fun nooner – but I have to tell you that it is a good thing you and [boyfriend] aren’t going to make a lifetime of it. He is waaay too young to be so sexually high maintenance. Are you sure he isn’t gay? Maybe he has a heart condition that he doesn’t know about. Maybe he should see a doctor. XO Mom

Four Generations of Suitors

Backstory: I recently had a break up,and I have had MANY (weird) men take interest in me. This was dear mom’s response.

creepy hat guy may be 50′s!  I think you should get sugar daddies in every age group, starting with 20′s and go up to 50′s. 60 is creepy.  but having 4 generations of suitors may be fun.  Go out 4 nights a week , start the week with the youngest and end the week with the oldest and 3 nights dedicate to you and the cat!

He Should Be Doing These Things Because He Loves You

Backstory: My mom was upset that my fiance complained about taking me to the doctor.  I have a condition and I can’t drive myself right now.

He is supposed to be your partner, right?  your future husband?  You have a medical problem and he needs to be there for you and too damn bad if it’s inconvenient for him or takes him out of his way.  that’s what he’s supposed to do.  Who else out there can you depend on if not him?  I don’t care if he’s tired or put out, he should be doing these things because he loves you and he is concerned for your safety and health.  You would do the same and much more for him and I know you already have, my dear.  He needs to grow up, I know you don’t need to hear this right now, but this is the kind of thing that makes me angry when I am already worried about you and hate that you are so far away for me to help you.  Ok, I’m done.  Not quite, he needs to buck up and take care of you.  OK, I’m done now!!!!!  Just tell him he needs to get his ass up early one day and take you to the dr. if you still feel as crappy as you have been by Friday.

Do You!

Hi Honey,
You will get through this. Keep in touch with your friends and bite your fingers when you start typing emails to him. As they say in the hood –Do you. No man is worth questioning your self worth over – certainly not at 23 when you take care of yourself and don’t need him for jack.
Buy some shoes and kick his ass with it.
Love you

If the shoe fits…

Mom: I forgot to tell you. I really enjoyed dinner last night.

Me: We had a great time too. John loves listening to you.

Mom: The boy needs to get a life.

Me: Yes we know that, but what makes you say it?

Mom: Your statement – John loves listening to you.

Me: But I love listening to you too, does that mean I need to get a life?

Mom: If the shoe fits

Me: Thanks

Mom: But I love you anyway.

Playing the Dating Game

Backstory: I was getting ready to go on my first date after a rough break up, and was talking to a couple of different guys.

Just wanted to bless your sweet heart……you don’t have to play the game.
BTW, what are you thinking about dating 2 men? Let me know, cause girls used to do it all the time back in my day.
I love you.

Future Husbands from the Past

mom: hi mijaa
me: hi
mom: you know the mexican guy.. tall handsome (the new guy) on extreme makeover?
he went to my high school i think
me: really???
mom: found him on facebook
me: no way hahahahaha add him
mom: hes 4 years younger
im gonna look him up
i think its fate hes my future husband even though i think hes gay!

Match Made on the MTA

That’s great about your new job, I’m so proud of you babygirl!
So you know what I was thinking?…you live in the Bronx and work in Manhattan and Derek Jeter lives in Manhattan and works in the Bronx. You should give him a call & get together.

Love, Mom