Christ in a Clown Suit

Backstory: my mom is religious, I am not.

Me: i got THE CUTEST green dress with bloomers for hopie (my boyfriend’s new niece)
Me: it is! i texted geoff to make sure it was ok

How a Bike Ride is Like a Mezuzah

Backstory: My mom’s response to an email I sent about riding my bike to work through central park

Hearing this made Dad very happy. Kind of the equivalent of having you call me to be reminded where to put the mezuzah. Of course, putting up a mezuzah does not put you in the same traffic pattern as two ton trucks.

You are the best.


Blind Date (Just as a Friend)

Dont call me crazy but a met a hispanic pastor  that is 28 and I like y to met him when y come to SA I like y to has a blind date just as a friend I like his spirit is in the right place Think about it Im going to Austin on Friday to a church during the day can we have lunch or a coffee?

Request from Mom (& Jesus)

Backstory: My mom teaches catechism classes and I made a poster for her 1st Communion group.

Mom: I measured the poster board.  It’s 19 1/2 long x 29 3/4 wide.  Mom
Me: Ok, got it.
Mom: Would it be too much of a problem to print last year’s poster with the new photos?  I think the cup and colors are nicer.  Let me know.  Thanks.  Mom & Jesus

Happy (?) Maundy Thursday!

mom: Tomorrow is Maundy Thursday.
me: what happens on maundy thursday?
mom: that is when Christ does the last supper and it is the foot washing with Mary Magdalen
me: oooooh
me: so we celebrate by washing peoples feet?
mom: well on Maundy Thursday we do. showing that we are not above other people, as Jesus did to the whore so do we to those beneath us. or did she wash his feet and he let her touch him… ?
mom: such an uptight religion
me:  omg i love you

Solution: One Hail Mary

Backstory: My sister has consistent problems with her boss and tends to complain to the family about their trouble. Mom was concerned.

I said a rosary 4 her. She doesnt need 2 b put down by a jealous bitch anymore. No wonder she has stomach problems & anxiety.

in case of emergency call your daddy.

dear daughter,
i will be out of my office and unable to take phone calls until 8 pm as i have another event to attend to at the catholic church in pennsylvania beginning at 5 pm entailing the selling of clothes and fine housewares. thank you for your undersanding and we hope this does not inconvenience you. in case of emergency call your daddy.


Aunt and Uncle of Wiccans

Backstory: My parents have been helping my elderly grandma move in with my aunt. My aunt is a super-conservative Christian who thinks Halloween is devil worship, by the way…

Your dad and I are coming home tonight! We wanted to skip rush hour. But we couldn’t wait another day. So when we come home at like 3 AM and the dogs make a big commotion, don’t worry, the house isn’t getting robbed. Guess what? Your cousin *** and her partner *** are WICCANS! She wanted to tell your aunt, but I told her not to do that right now, since your aunt is under a lot of stress taking care of Grandma. So, the aunt-of-Wiccans and uncle-of-Wiccans will be home late tonight! Wiccans forever! See you tomorrow! Love you!

Talking Ear Gauges With the Big Guy

Backstory: I saw an abandoned cart on Fat Tuesday in the grocery store parking lot with a 12-pack of ginger ale on the bottom of it. No one was around, so I took it… And felt terrible immediately (but still didn’t go back to return it).
Mom: I’ll be at Trinity Cathedral at 6 tonight for Ash Wednesday service, in case you’d like to repent for the ginger ale thing.
Me: I would but don’t get out of work until 5:30 and I am driving this week so Dan would have no way home.
Mom: Dan can come with you! I’m sure he’d like to talk those ear gauges with the Big Guy!
Mom: btw, was thinking of giving up wine for Lent…but then at church the sermon was about not giving something up, but adding something in. so I bought a lenten daily reading book and that’s what I’m doing. And today’s reading was about being nicer.
Mom: So there.
Mom: How about you??? giving up stealing, perhaps???

Nana On Her Knees

I’m going to start praying for your mom again instead of the usual worrying.. I’m getting down on my knees this time… Love NANA

Star Confusion

how are you this morning?good i hope.i have a question for you if you have a minute?explain the difference between the star of david and the pendelum star satanic worshipers use?aren’t they the same?thanks ,excuse the spelling ,love ya ,mom,

Mom’s on Facebook

Hi Sweetie..ok…I just have to say it. The Wiccan thing is just killing me. I hate seeing that on your profile :(

I do love you madly though.


Mom’s Love for Eminem

Backstory: My mom is a middle aged surburban white woman who works as the school secretary for a private catholic school.  She attends daily Mass and prays the rosary three times a day.  She doesn’t drink or smoke.  Her only vice is rap music, but she does pray for Eminem’s immortal soul.

Dude. I am TOTALLY in need of an Eminem CD for the ride home from work today!   I tried to buy one at the Springfield Mall and there is not even any place to buy music there anymore!    Do you think Brandon could hook me up with one again?



Religious Differences

This is going to seem so small and petty but now that you’re with a protestant, you have to hold on to your catholic lingo.  I have noticed that catholics say someone died or passed away, never ‘passed’.  Believe it or not, I’ve noticed this and it always felt foreign to me.  And I’ve noticed protestant people say it.  But I’ve never heard a Catholic say it.  Hold on to your heritigage, girl.  Don’t let those protestants change you.  Next thing I know you’ll be saying you’ll be telling me to have a bless’d day.  I hope you know this is tongue in cheek, but based on truth.  Yes, I’m very small.  Noone sees this email but you, right?

Your perfect mother,


Ask God About Your Sass Mouth

Stay home tonight baby. We don’t know enough about what’s going on at that party. And also pray about the attitude you have had today. Love, Mom

now, back to church on tv

hi, pooh:

grandma is using the homeopathic remedies you sent, but she still isn’t feeling well.  she says it’s not a cold or the flu, she just feels weak.  i sometimes see her holding on to something like she’s lightheaded and when i ask her what’s wrong, she says “nothing, i’m fine”.  i don’t believe her but she’s hardheaded.  give her a call when you can.

those videos are sent back and forth between me and a small group of people where i work.  they break the monotony of the day.  sometimes i laugh out loud when i first see one of them.

anyway, tell jennie i said “hey” and you two continue to be good to each other.  now, back to church on tv.

love, mom

I’m Just Glad You’re Here

It’s cloudy and cool today.  A great school picnic day.  I don’t think it will rain but its very overcast.  I prayed for a nice trip home.  Was my prayer answered?  I hope so.  I can’t wait to see the pictures.  I didn’t ask but did you ride on the bridge?  As long as you didn’t jump off then life is good.  Or maybe you’d go to a better life. Probably not because then you’d have committed suicide and are doomed to eternal damnation.  But maybe you wouldn’t if you asked for God’s forgiveness before you jumped.  Who knows.  I’m just glad you’re here and my daughter.  Love Mom

Love, Mom