What Did I Do To Deserve This?

Your brother may be suspended from school. Somebody in Mr Harrison’s class, during Paul’s period drew a penis and wrote in all caps, “Mr Harrison is a penis head” on an empty desk. Mr Harrison later saw Paul carrying a black marker and assumed that it was Paul. Paul of course swears it was not him, but that he does not want to rat on the person who did it. Good Lord. What did I do to desrve this kind of crap?


Letting the Internet ‘Tude Fly

Mom: Question: do you want a senior portrait?
Me: mehhhh
Mom: What the bleep…?
Me: I don’t want a picture of me in front of an Olan Mills background holding a graduation cap
Mom: Well, that DOES sound kinda crappy
Me: Plus, I don’t really feel that connected to my class or anything, so the yearbook isn’t a big deal
Mom: Um, OK.
Me: What, are you my 14 year-old-daughter? I don’t like your internet ‘tude, young lady
Mom: No, y’know, just messin with sounds, feelin my oats,playin fast n loose w/ punctuation. An it’s wild, baybee, WILD!!
Me: Ma, you crazy.
Mom: So is this all being preserved forever in some bomb-proof cyber data storage capsule er sumpin?

Head of the (Cl)ass

Mom: One of the boys at school found my home phone number and called and left a dirty message about what he wants to do with my ass.
Me: Really?? What did he say?
Mom: I don’t know something about he wants to pop it, or spank it.
Why would he like my ass?
Me: What exactly did it say, humor me.
Mom: Yo, Mrs.— I’m going to pop a cap in your ass.
Me: Omg Mom that means he wants to kill you.
Mom: Really? I thought he liked me.

I Can See Uranus

Backstory: I sent my mother my insane study guide for Astronomy to demonstrate how ridiculous my midterm would be.

OK, so I see you know everything about astronomy. But answer this big question for me: Is there any way to say Uranus that doesn’t sound raunchy? :) Good luck on the midterm. Love, Mom

For the Love of Painkillers

Backstory: My mom sent me a thermometer at school because everyone is getting sick. I texted her back to tell her I already had one, and to ask her if she wanted me to return the extra one. She just had foot surgery and is a little loopy.

Me: Much appreciated but I actually already had a thermometer. Do you want me to bring the extra home?
Mom: Keep it. some day You may want to verify temp orally and rectally ;)
Me: What is wrong with you!! Did they amputate your soul when they operated on your foot????

Just Catching Up

just some catchin’ up..

Have you eaten any of the soups?
Who are your 3 closest friends at this point in time down there?
What are your thoughts on UM so far?
How do you feel about people using foul language on Facebook?
Do you think you can find a place somewhere down there for your hair…?
Have you looked into any other events or ministries? Non-profits things, volunteer events, etc?
How is the writing center? What can they provide?
What’s the food you most eat on campus?
When do you find out about the international program??
Did you ever get your surfboard over to Tay’s place?
Do you know why your cat meows SO loud???
Which class do you find most interesting?
How is the literature class coming?
Have you figured out your professors yet-what they are looking for in a test or paper?
Have you spoken with all of your teachers personally?
Have you made any friends in your classes?

OK, enough for now. Would love to hear from you.
Have a great day,

The Truth Behind Dad’s Itinerary

Backstory: I’m in Spain for a semester abroad and Dad is coming for a visit.

Mom: Daddy flew home last night and spent the night in CT, then left this afternoon for the airport.  He is excited about your weekend together.  Heard that he rented a car.  If my memory is correct, the roads in Spain between Madrid and Grenada can be steep and twisty so if anyone tends to get carsick they should sit in the front.  He has your stuff (I hope) but I don’t see it anywhere around the house so that’s a good sign!  Love, the Mama

Me: I was a bit curious why his itinerary showed him flying out of JFK.  So he just came home for a day?

Mom: Quite frankly, your father came home for a booty call.

Educational Advice

Backstory: I wasn’t looking forward to grading a stack of essays.

You should tell them just to write a short sentence. Like a twitter!

Hot for Teacher

Backstory: This was in response to my telling her that the class sucks but the teacher is cute and young.

Well the cute teacher will make it worth suffering thru the class.  Only 26  ummmmm maybe you can get to know him better.  He will give you a better grade    tee hee.

Date With a TA

Backstory: the TA in question was my constitutional law TA, whom I asked out on a date once the course was over.

me: im having coffee with my TA today!
mom: yeah baby. who’s your momma? (just kidding) SEND DETAILS
me: of course, i’m going to wear a pushup bra
mom: just make sure you don’t rub up against the constitution…young lady
unless he rubs back
then again probably gay

Words of Encouragement

Backstory: After I got a D on my economics exam.

Honey, econ is for boring and ugly people. You shouldn’t be in that class, you’re too pretty and creative.  I’m sick of these hard classes. Next semester sign up for gym classes.

Act Your Sign

Backstory: The registrars office at my school was not being helpful in my registration process.

Sweetie, you’re a Taurus- it’s time you finally started acting like it and the bitch I raised you to be.  Call me if you need me.

How to Get Good Grades?

me: so now I’m thinking I might have to start sleeping with my professors

mom: Oh, honey. Grades aren’t that important.

me: wow that’s a better response then I expected from you

mom: Unless they are really hot, then go and have fun.

me: and I wouldn’t expect anything less from you

well wishes (and guilt)

I’m glad you arrived safely and take care. I love you have a good school year.


p.s. stop being picky and get married

Mom’s Pep Talk

hi thanks for the note..
i hate that YOU do this to YOURSELF also..

YOU are CAPABLE and OUTSTANDING>>why don’t YOU believe that? daMMIT!

I’m going to bed..extremely exhausted..

tomorrow i get that filling.wed am a dr. appt..ugh..
talk to you tomorrow then..
i need to make it look christmasy here..

ok..nitey nite..get that FUCKING work done! dammit..YOU CAN DO IT!

loveYOU bushels,

Sometimes a Snake is Just a Snake

Backstory: My mom was a kindergarten teacher in a bad part of town.

Mom: It was a rough neighborhood. The kind of place where the men would come to the playground and let their snakes out of their bags.

Me: Ew! Mom that’s so gross.

Mom: I know. I hate snakes.

Me: Wait, that was a euphemism for something right?

Mom: No! They had real snakes! We had to go check the playground before recess to make sure they weren’t slithering around by the swings or anything.

Sarah Palin’s Astrologer?

I will have to check your birth certificate.  I think you were born around dinner time but I am not absolutely sure.  I do know that you arrived as soon as I got to the hospital.  Assume around 7 pm unless I tell you differently.  I thought geneology was a legitimate subject for you to get into but astrology?  Yikes.  Are you going to open up a little shop and read tarot cards?  Perhaps you can get a job as Sarah Palin’s astrologer if she gets elected V.P.  (Remember that Nancy Reagan had an astrologer).

Have Fun, But Take Your Vitamins

Stop stressing! Tomorrow your paper will be a memory and something new will occupy you (like pinatas and beer?).  Anyway, try to slow down.  Don’t volunteer for everything.  Don’t be so nice!  Take some time for you! You can save the world later in life – have some fun now!  My wisdom for the day.

I’ll talk to you!

Love you,


PS. Take your vitamins!!!!!

Fantasy Baseball, Google, and You

Have you ever googled yourself??? I googled “Your Name” and “Fantasy Baseball” and your articles and analyses are all over the freaking internet! When do you have time to write papers for school???

Ding dongs

Good morning my little one:

The Fafsa for my part is now complete.  When you have finished your part, then I can get in and print the signature page to mail to them.

I love you — those ding dongs at your new apartment are kind of disorganized – huh?

Love, Mom