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Mom: You need to schedule a gynecology checkup. I’m sure you can find a woman gynecologist where you live if you’d prefer one.
Me: Well, the way I see it, it’s like that joke; would you go to a mechanic who had never owned a car?
Mom: Yeah, but he’s ridden in one.
Mom: im going to check fb real quick and then i will lay down with dad
Me: ew i don’t want to hear about that
Mom: not like that you freak!
Mom: too much freud
me: we were talking about crazy families today so of course ours came up…
me: i said how [my cousin] J broke his penis.. he broke it having sex, correct?
mom: do not know…but I assume so
mom: I did not get specifics…thank god!
mom: he has a bit of a drinking problem…perhaps he missed his aim
me: hahahaha mom!
mom: I’m just saying…..
I’m trying to do coffee w/out cream & artificial sweetner and it’s like toast w/out butter or sex w/out penis…
Backstory: Talking to my mother about my best friend still be a virgin at 24.
We should make her into a superhero…The Untouchable Heather and her Happy Hymen ..i think there is a huge market out there for virginal superheros.
Kiss,
Your creative mother.
That sounds nice. (great that you are in the art show) I don’t mean to be rude, but I am going to get off this computer and try snuggling with your father. Don’t make snide remarks… If we had never done this stuff – you wouldn’t have been born.
Also btw, the True Blood dude is hot and all, but I DON’T GET THE VAMPIRE THING!!!! Is sucking your blood supposed to be some sort of code for cunnilingus???
Backstory: I recently started a job as a nurse practitioner at a women’s health clinic.
me: I inserted an IUD today!
mom: what’s that?
me: its like the copper one you had after you had [my sister]
mom: oh! you found someone to have sex with?
me: no mom. I put one into someone else at work. crazy..
mom: Ahh.. I thought you got it and I was happy for you.
Mom: LADY GAGA IS ON THE RADIO!!
Me: Yeah, what song?
Mom: PAPARAZZI THE ONLY ONE I DON’T LIKE!!!!! :( :(
Me: Why don’t you like it? & Easy on the caps..jeez woman..
Mom: IT’S SUCH A BORING SUBJECT FOR A SONG
Mom: CAN’T SHE SING ABOUT SOMETHING HAPPY?
Mom: OR SEXUAL?
Me: Umm all her songs are sexual
Mom: DISCO STICK! DISCO STICK!
Backstory: This is my mom’s response to comments on the email from her I’d sent in that was posted on here.
mom: Hello! Back in the late ’60’s and ’70’s when I was dating, “the pill” was the best form of birth control. And we didn’t know about AIDS yet, so condoms weren’t so widely promoted for “safe sex.”
mom: Besides — how many of THEM have read “The Joy of Sex.” PLUS the sequel, “More Joy of Sex.’
mom: YoMomma has. :-)
me: so what’s the joy of sex then? I’m assuming condoms aren’t part of that?
mom: Let’s just say that after reading the first book, you’d never be able to look at goldfish (the fish, not the cracker) or green grapes the same way
Mom: How was dinner?
Me: Good I think. I just have a hard time reading him and whether he’s really interested in me or not.
Mom: Well is he physical?
Me: Like physically affectionate? Yes.
Mom: That’s a good sign.
Me: Yeah, but that could also mean he is just trying to get into my pants.
Mom: You know dear, sometimes it’s okay to have a relationship that is “mutually satisfying.”
Me: …
Me: Wait, are you talking about being f*** buddies?
Mom: Just think about it honey. Your mother loves you!
Backstory: I share an apt with my brother, who doesn’t date much. He did not know my conservative parents were in town and asleep in the guest room when he brought the girl he’s been seeing over to spend the night. My Mom texted me about 5 min after they left early the next morning.
Mom: Dad says there is a GIRL asleep in your brother’s room! Just thought you would like to know so that you aren’t alarmed when you get up. There’s a GIRL in there.
Me: It’s probably Jenny. Does she have blonde hair?
Mom: Dad says reddish. Maybe strawberry blonde.
Me: Yes that’s her.
Mom: Oh. So you’ve met this Jenny girl? She actually exists?!?
Me: Briefly, yes. She seems nice.
Mom: Interesting. He’s so secretive about this kind of stuff so I just wondered. You know, if she existed.
Me: Mmm hmm
Mom: Well I just thought you should know there’s a girl in there. You can go back to sleep now.
Backstory: I had written a blog on my xanga about how I never had the “birds and the bees” discussion with my parents, which my mother read, and had this to say.
Hi,
I just read your latest Xanga, and I feel I must defend myself! We certainly never hid the subject–it just appeared that you were very aware of the way things were. I guess by not being very specific with you I was trying to save you from my own “sex talk” experience with my own mom: picture Grandma throwing a load of laundry into the washer and explaining how a penis gets hard when a man wants sex….eeeewww…..
Love you!
Mom
Backstory: My cousin is moving in with a trucker she just met.
let’s just HOPE he is divorced and not just SAYING he is divorced. truckers are like sailors one in every port.
Thanks for the info. I particularly like the “luxury coach with a bathroom” – yippee!!
Call me before you leave if you get a chance – if not I’ll check in with you over the weekend.
This sounds like so much fun.
Now the mother-announcement again – have fun, be careful, no going off with the natives, stay with people from the group, no bam-bam, probably only bottled water and bring pepto-bismol tablets!!!
love you – mom
Mom: Hey hun, I’m glad you made friends with the neighbors
Mom: maybe they have a cute friend they could set you up with
Me: honestly mom i dont hav time for a relationship
Mom: I wasn’t talking about a relationship…
Mom: iwas talking about Sex… you could use some fun and a release.
Me: Oh jeeebus… I don’t have time for the complicatons of that either… pregnancies or STDS
Mom: who doesn’t have time for a release?
Meanwhile I chanted long and hard for you, that you’d get something long and hard soon. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! But seriously, I did give you a really super chanting.
XXOO
MA
i just saw this commercial for Trojan Ecstasy condoms. The woman goes to the counter and says it feels like there’s nothing on. Apparently, they are lubed on both sides. Worth a try I say.
Mom: ok. you know there will be drinking. use your judgment.
Mom: also, boys have certain expectations when they take girls to lake houses. is this boy trustworthy?
Mom: are there any other girls going?
Mom: call your sister
Me: I am the shuffleboard champion!
Mom: great !sounds much moe wholesome than i feared!
Mom: you could be at home with your dad watching Tiger win again!
Backstory: This was a card attached to a huge bouquet of flowers i received at my place of work exactly 1 year after i lost my virginity.
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!
XOXO
Love,
Mom
