New Dress/STD Testing

Hi Honey,

Seems like a while since we chatted, How are you doing. I am really looking forward to seeing you next week. Dad has not booked a hotel yet but we should either get one near the wedding reception or near you.

I ordered a new dress I hope you like it.

Are you taking good care of yourself. Eating right and getting your exercise /That will help you deal with all the ups and downs in life. Also if you had unprotected sex with J. or anyone K. you should always get tested for std’s as many people have them and don’t know.It can cause sterility as well as a host of problems.

love you

mom

Burying the Lede

Backstory: I received this letter my second year of college, after a false rumor was spreading around my hometown about a possible impregnation of my girlfriend.  I saved it for posterity.

Here is the insurance card for your car.  I didn’t think you would be home before it was due.

I heard what the rumor was up at the school.  I only hope if that ever happens we hear it from you first.  Also I hope if you’re having sex you are using condoms or some sort of protection.  That’s all I’m saying on that subject.

No much happening here…cold and dreary today.  I’m washing clothes and need to do some baking so I’d better get moving.

Take care

Love,

Mom

Thanksgiving Depravity

Backstory: My mother has always snooped around in my affairs and tried to find proof of my depravity, which isn’t hard to do as she disapproves of just about everything, including said “beer drinking.” This was by far her best! (Yes, she is now blocked from my FB page).

Mom: I went to facebook and when I scrolled down it had a list of Hallmark Social Calendar events. One of the events was a “Thanksgiving Eve” party which included beer drinking, battle of the sexes, and what sounded like sexual activities.
Me: Explain your message.  It’s a good thing I have counseling today so I can take this with me.
Mom: In regard to the sexual activities, it listed CORNHOLE. When we were growing up, that meant anal intercourse.  I don’t know what it means now.  I should have asked if you went.

Does Coffee = Sex?

Backstory: mom is recently single and just scheduled her first date on match.com

PS  Boy emailed me and is going to call at noon and we might go out tonight.  Sooooo

·         It will probably be dinner what should I wear

·         If I invite him in for coffee or a drink will he think we are having sex?

·         I don’t have coffee or the makings, can I say tea?

·         Since it is after work how hard to I have to work on my hair and make up.

How to Choose a Gyno

Mom: You need to schedule a gynecology checkup.  I’m sure you can find a woman gynecologist where you live if you’d prefer one.

Me: Well, the way I see it, it’s like that joke; would you go to a mechanic who had never owned a car?

Mom: Yeah, but he’s ridden in one.

Too Much Freud.

Mom: im going to check fb real quick and then i will lay down with dad
Me: ew i don’t want to hear about that
Mom: not like that you freak!
Mom: too much freud

How Cousin J Broke His Penis

me: we were talking about crazy families today so of course ours came up…
me: i said how [my cousin] J broke his penis.. he broke it having sex, correct?
mom: do not know…but I assume so
mom: I did not get specifics…thank god!
mom: he has a bit of a drinking problem…perhaps he missed his aim
me: hahahaha mom!
mom: I’m just saying…..

What’s Coffee Without Cream Like?

I’m trying to do coffee w/out cream & artificial sweetner and it’s like toast w/out butter or sex w/out penis…

The Virginal Superhero Market

Backstory: Talking to my mother about my best friend still be a virgin at 24.

We should make her into a superhero…The Untouchable Heather and her Happy Hymen ..i think there is a huge market out there for virginal superheros.

Kiss,
Your creative mother.

Snuggle Time Coming Right Up

That sounds nice. (great that you are in the art show) I don’t mean to be rude, but I am going to get off this computer and try snuggling with your father. Don’t make snide remarks… If we had never done this stuff – you wouldn’t have been born.

Secret Vampire Code

Also btw, the True Blood dude is hot and all, but I DON’T GET THE VAMPIRE THING!!!!  Is sucking your blood supposed to be some sort of code for cunnilingus???

Some IUD Confusion

Backstory: I recently started a job as a nurse practitioner at a women’s health clinic.

me: I inserted an IUD today!
mom: what’s that?
me: its like the copper one you had after you had [my sister]
mom: oh! you found someone to have sex with?
me: no mom. I put one into someone else at work. crazy..
mom: Ahh.. I thought you got it and I was happy for you.

Gaga for Lady Gaga

Mom: LADY GAGA IS ON THE RADIO!!
Me: Yeah, what song?
Mom: PAPARAZZI THE ONLY ONE I DON’T LIKE!!!!! :( :(
Me: Why don’t you like it? & Easy on the caps..jeez woman..
Mom: IT’S SUCH A BORING SUBJECT FOR A SONG
Mom: CAN’T SHE SING ABOUT SOMETHING HAPPY?
Mom: OR SEXUAL?
Me: Umm all her songs are sexual
Mom: DISCO STICK! DISCO STICK!

The REAL Joy of Sex

Backstory: This is my mom’s response to comments on the email from her I’d sent in that was posted on here.

mom: Hello!  Back in the late ’60′s and ’70′s when I was dating, “the pill” was the best form of birth control.  And we didn’t know about AIDS yet, so condoms weren’t so widely promoted for “safe sex.”
mom: Besides — how many of THEM have read “The Joy of Sex.”  PLUS the sequel, “More Joy of Sex.’
mom: YoMomma has.  :-)
me: so what’s the joy of sex then?  I’m assuming condoms aren’t part of that?
mom: Let’s just say that after reading the first book, you’d never be able to look at goldfish (the fish, not the cracker) or green grapes the same way

The (Physical?) Possibilities Are Endless

Mom: How was dinner?
Me: Good I think.  I just have a hard time reading him and whether he’s really interested in me or not.
Mom: Well is he physical?
Me: Like physically affectionate?  Yes.
Mom: That’s a good sign.
Me: Yeah, but that could also mean he is just trying to get into my pants.
Mom: You know dear, sometimes it’s okay to have a relationship that is “mutually satisfying.”
Me:
Me: Wait, are you talking about being f*** buddies?
Mom: Just think about it honey.  Your mother loves you!

Your Brother’s Imaginary Girlfriend

Backstory: I share an apt with my brother, who doesn’t date much. He did not know my conservative parents were in town and asleep in the guest room when he brought the girl he’s been seeing over to spend the night. My Mom texted me about 5 min after they left early the next morning.

Mom: Dad says there is a GIRL asleep in your brother’s room! Just thought you would like to know so that you aren’t alarmed when you get up. There’s a GIRL in there.
Me: It’s probably Jenny. Does she have blonde hair?
Mom: Dad says reddish. Maybe strawberry blonde.
Me: Yes that’s her.
Mom: Oh. So you’ve met this Jenny girl? She actually exists?!?
Me: Briefly, yes. She seems nice.
Mom: Interesting. He’s so secretive about this kind of stuff so I just wondered. You know, if she existed.
Me: Mmm hmm
Mom: Well I just thought you should know there’s a girl in there. You can go back to sleep now.

Let’s (Not) Talk About Sex

Backstory: I had written a blog on my xanga about how I never had the “birds and the bees” discussion with my parents, which my mother read, and had this to say.

Hi,

I just read your latest Xanga, and I feel I must defend myself!  We certainly never hid the subject–it just appeared that you were very aware of the way things were.  I guess by not being very specific with you I was trying to save you from my own “sex talk” experience with my own mom:  picture Grandma throwing a load of laundry into the washer and explaining how a penis gets hard when a man wants sex….eeeewww…..

Love you!
Mom

Truckers Are Like Sailors…

Backstory: My cousin is moving in with a trucker she just met.

let’s just HOPE he is divorced and not just SAYING he is divorced. truckers are like sailors one in every port.

No Bam-Bam Allowed

Thanks for the info.  I particularly like the “luxury coach with a bathroom” – yippee!!
Call me before you leave if you get a chance – if not I’ll check in with you over the weekend.
This sounds like so much fun.
Now the mother-announcement again – have fun, be careful, no going off with the natives, stay with people from the group, no bam-bam, probably only bottled water and bring pepto-bismol tablets!!!

love you – mom

Won’t You Be My (Sexy) Neighbor?

Mom: Hey hun, I’m glad you made friends with the neighbors
Mom: maybe they have a cute friend they could set you up with
Me: honestly mom i dont hav time for a relationship
Mom: I wasn’t talking about a relationship…
Mom: iwas talking about Sex… you could use some fun and a release.
Me: Oh jeeebus… I don’t have time for the complicatons of that either… pregnancies or STDS
Mom: who doesn’t have time for a release?



Love, Mom