A Really Super Chanting
Meanwhile I chanted long and hard for you, that you’d get something long and hard soon. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! But seriously, I did give you a really super chanting.
XXOO
MA
Trojan Ecstasy Condoms: Worth a Try!
i just saw this commercial for Trojan Ecstasy condoms. The woman goes to the counter and says it feels like there’s nothing on. Apparently, they are lubed on both sides. Worth a try I say.
Lake House (S)expectations
Mom: ok. you know there will be drinking. use your judgment.
Mom: also, boys have certain expectations when they take girls to lake houses. is this boy trustworthy?
Mom: are there any other girls going?
Mom: call your sister
Me: I am the shuffleboard champion!
Mom: great !sounds much moe wholesome than i feared!
Mom: you could be at home with your dad watching Tiger win again!
V-Card Bouquet
Backstory: This was a card attached to a huge bouquet of flowers i received at my place of work exactly 1 year after i lost my virginity.
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!
XOXO
Love,
Mom
No Orgies Allowed
Mom: So…. sweetie… these parties they go to… they’re not the sort of parties where everyone gets together and has sex are they?
Me: …..You mean orgies?
Mom: Yes.
Me: No mom, I’m not going to orgies.
Tyra Text
tyra says the average woman has 8 sexual partners in a lifetime….yo mamas a ho!
Maybe he should see a doctor.
Have a fun nooner – but I have to tell you that it is a good thing you and [boyfriend] aren’t going to make a lifetime of it. He is waaay too young to be so sexually high maintenance. Are you sure he isn’t gay? Maybe he has a heart condition that he doesn’t know about. Maybe he should see a doctor. XO Mom
I Hope You Would Tell Me About Your Vagina Dentata
Quite funny. Hey, I think I realized you were an adult a few years ago. Even though what you sent is funny, I hope that you feel you can talk to me about those kinds of things anyway. I could never talk to my mom about sex since she just would never talk about it so I couldn’t ask her anything.
Anyway, the article was funny. A vagina with teeth, scary.
Lessons from Pam and Tommy Lee
Hello people,
Just letting you know that I am smarter than I was this morning. Love the hotel room but hate the loud neighbors who listen to country music all night. And from the noises I think they are Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson reincarnates. YIKES! Oh well. I hope they are gone tonight or at least filmed it to make money. Keith has all of my numbers. I am in room 437 now but that might change depending on whether the above activities continue.
Miss you guys.
mom
you know, QUESTIONS
Backstory: Two nights before my wedding mom thinks we need to have “the talk”.
Honey,
I just want to let you know that if you have any, you know, QUESTIONS, you can ask me anything. Your father isn’t the best lover in the world, so I also know a lot about toys. Let’s get dinner tonight.
Love,
Mom
Making Up With Dad
Backstory: my parents were fighting the last time I was home right before I left.
Me: Hi Mom, I reached safely. Are you and Dad okay now?
Mom: good beta, it was good to see you. oh yea, everything is ok. we had sex last night.
Park Your Car in My Garage
Mom: I’m just standing in line at Old Navy.
Me: Cool. What’d you get?
Mom: Good-looking man in front of me. I’d sure like him to park his car in MY garage!
[pause]
Mom: Is Jon parking his car in your garage??
Packing List: Birth Control and Sheets
Backstory: I am going on vacation with my boyfriend, and my aunt is letting us use her house since she will be out of the country.
Mom: Did E send you Aunt R’s address?
Me: Yes, I’m so excited! Cheap vacation, woo hoo!!!
Mom: I’m excited for you. Please take your own sheets.
Me: Ummm, ok. Thanks?
Mom: Don’t want any presents left behind…
Me: Eww I get it.
Mom: Also don’t forget your birth control. I love you, but that’s how I got you – forgot to pack bc.
Me: Love you too??
Don’t Wait Up
Me: I’m not coming home tonight. Don’t wait up.
Mom: ill send u some condomzzzz if u need it k!!!!
Take Your Own Sex Department Inventory
Backstory: My Mom has been dating this guy named D but things have gotten to a more serious level as of late.
Mom: We are going out tomorrow night. Probably do a movie then come back here for a while. N is going into Boston and I think A is going to Allston so might have a little privacy which would be nice.
me: that will be nice
don’t be a hussy
Mom: As I already told N and will now tell you my love…..MOMMA is 56 3/4, time is marching on. Never have been a one night stand girl and never will be BUT D is not my one night stand guy. So you girls take inventory in your own “Sex Department” and let Mom worry about hers!!!!! Any questions Daughter???
me: haha nope, I think that was very well said Glad to see you still have a good head on your shoulders.
haha that was hilarious
i love you
Mom: You thought that was funny?? Anything you would like to share with MOMMA
me: haha as you so wonderfully stated, you can take inventory in your own sex dept, and i’ll take it in mine
<3
that heart’s for you, not the boys.
“Relations” in the City vs. the Country
Mom: Have you two had relations yet?
Me: No, mother.
Mom: You can tell me if you have
Me: I would, and we have not.
Mom: Oral sex counts!
Me: MOTHER. We. Have. Not. Had. Relations.
Mom: Just checking. People in the city are sluttier than here in the country.
Don’t Just Listen to Dear Abby
Backstory: When my mom dropped me off for my first day at college, she gave me a Dear Abby column about leaving home that she was keeping in her purse. I was slightly underwhelmed.
Mom: I’m sorry about that Dear Abby column. I did think of some better advice: Never have sex in the same room as a pit bull.
Me: ?
Mom: There’s something about it that sets them off. Every time I hear about someone being mauled by a pit bull it involves a prostitute.
Me: Uhhh…thanks?
Mom: Well, I have already told you about all the other ways you could die. If I knew about this and didn’t tell you, I’d feel awful if it really happened.
Me: [silence]
Mom: Also, don’t fall in with a nest of lesbians. Love you!!!!!
Oh What a Night
Me: Maybe one day I will visit more of the Southern States
Mom: Your father and I went to New Orleans quite a few years back, you should go there, no train though!
Me: Yes, yes, we know the story of how you were on the train for hours getting there and how you had to sit next to one of dad’s co-workers and it was terrible.
Mom: Yes that did happen, and it was terrible.
Me: Anything good happen there?
Mom: You were conceived.
Me: Well how lovely.
Mom: And that was one hell of a night.
Getting Checked Out, Even for a Little Bit of “Relations”
me: btw, in case youre wondering – i heard back from the doctor
i don’t have vd
i thought i should tell you
you know, since you knew i was going to the doctor
Mom: i’m VERY glad, but it wasn’t really a concern,was it?
me: no, no, of course not
but, it’s worth checking out every so often
Mom: i guess it is if you have been haveing even a little bit of relations.
True Girlfriends, Not Sexual Girlfriends
Backstory: This email came after I told my mom that the person I will be bringing with me to visit her isn’t my friend, but in fact a girl I am sleeping with (up until this point she thought I was straight).
As for sleeping arrangements go, I know that you are an adult but since you are not in a committed relationship with this girl, I think she should sleep on the couch and not in your room ( the same thing would be true if this was a man!!). Unless you two can sleep together as girlfriends, like true girlfriends not sexual girlfriends. Your grandmother is right down the hall!
