JCPenney Was a Safe Space

Backstory: This is a response I received from my Mom after forwarding her an email that contained photos from a 1977 JCPenney catalog.  Apparently murder and theft did not occur in the 70′s in SC.

I don’t remember all of these, but yes, the clothes were colorful and ugly.  Lots of plaid items.  But it was safe to go shopping.  You did not have to worry about getting mugged or killed during that time frame.

Craigslist Jaunt/Potential Murder

Off to yoga and then onto another craigslist jaunt/potential murder to buy some cheap shelving. “Terry” will be the person of interest. Lives on the corner of 10th and Main. All sorts of complicated plans are involved in actually getting there between two other appointments that I have today. All of this just to save ten bucks. If anything goes awry, you can have the new dress I bought for T’s wedding and the lovely shawl I found yesterday ON SALE that matches so beautifully! Earrings, too. Also on sale! What a deal. Just think: all of this great stuff in exchange for my life.


Grandma is Forever 21


I am currently wearing:
Forever 21 White UnderTee Shirt
Black Stem Long-Sleeved top teeshirt that the helpful Citizens’ Saleswoman helped me to find….that shows the white undershirt top and bottom…..
Long Grey Bike Pants
(how do you like yours?????)

etc. and I’m off to TAI CHI in Berkeley followed by Deep H2O Swim followed by a movie tonight….ahhhhhhhhhhh, the good life! (and, again, thanks for your spiffing up help…couldn’t live without those two white forever 21 tees…..

Onward, Girl! Much love! See you VERY soon!


Dept. of Useless Kitchen Gadgetry

Backstory: My mom is addicted to the Shopping Channel.

Mom: Hey guess what I bought? These gloves that, when you wash a potato while wearing them, they scrub the potato skin off for you! Neat!

Me: Mum, you like potatoes with the skins on. You always go on about how the only healthy part of a potato is the skin.

Mom: OMG you’re right! What have I done!

Bad Boyfriends Are Like Expensive Shoes

Backstory: I’m dating a guy who is not liked by any member of my family. He can be crass and uncouth at times, but he can also be charming and charismatic.

Bad boyfriends are like a pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos. You want them so bad when you first see ‘em and you end up shelling out way too much money just so you can call ‘em yours. When you finally bring them home, you realize they don’t really go with anything else in your closet (life). You hope for that rare day when you get to dress ‘em up and show ‘em off thinking all the other gals will envy you but when you do, they cause you nothing but pain, they wear out too quickly (if you know what I mean) and they end up sitting around your house, being useless, collecting dust. And those other gals? Not envious. My point? Throw ‘em out of the house and go shopping.

Mom Logic

Me: do you think i’m too old for forever 21?
Me: never mind…i’ll just give in and start shopping at banana republic or something
Mom: They say 35 is the new 25.
Mom: By that logic you are 14
Mom: 14 isn’t too old for Forever 21

Learning About the Boy Cut

Mom: I’m at the gap and they are having a great sale on underwear. Do you need a couple of pairs?

Me: Yes. Always.

Mom: Boy Cut, Hipster, Thong, or Bikini? What does Boy Cut mean?

Me: Umm, it’s just a style. They’re more comfortable.

Mom: Or all FOUR!

Me: No, I don’t really like thongs.

Mom: Does boy cut mean that there is a bigger “pouch”?

Me: What are you talking about?

Mom: Do you like the color purple and are you “into” scarves?

Me: Why the air quotes?

Mom: OK. Great.

The Fun Squad

Dad and I know how to have some fun-we went to TeeJays for dinner and then went to Lowes to buy a newTOILET! HA ha!

Best Buy Jailbreak

Help, I’m a prisoner in Best Buy and dad has a manila folder and a stack of Consumer Reports

Can’t Start Her Too Young

Backstory: Hazel is my 19-month-old niece.

We’re giving Hazel a stove/sink kitchen set from Target and if you’re wondering what to get her for Xmas, think about some pots and pans and such. Can’t start her too young on the woman-as-slave notion.


The Aging Shopaholic Strikes Again

Backstory: My mom has recently discovered how to shop online.

It is a great time to be an old shopaholic with a lap top and a credit card.

OK, I also ordered a feather mattress topper.


I now shop for my bed instead of that magical pair of pants that does not make my ass look big.

Undergarments FYI

I bought one of those undergarments that holds your fat in. You gotta choose carefully though. If you mush in the bottom it pops out the top and vice versa. Just FYI Love Mom.

One of those Old People Days

I have finally landed at home, so here I am to bug you. Been one of those old people days. I went looking for my coffee cup this morning, couldn’t find it anywhere. Dad looked in the fridge and pantry, I said I didn’t come and get another cup of coffee yesterday, so just hoped it would show up or else we knew the coffee cup elf had been here. Well, when I got home from church today, decided to get a cup of coffee, opened the microwave to heat it up, and there sat my cup pretty as could be, full of the coffee I never got to yesterday!

Off to the grocery store, buy 4 12 packs of coke brand cans, get a 5th free, and 2 Hillshire smoked sausage packs free. OMG, the old people were like Christmas morning toy sale buyers at Toys R Us. Fussing at each other, and the stuff was stacked as high as we are tall. I decided to do the rest of my shopping first and come back, but when I got to the sausage spot, it was get out of my way grabbing.
So glad to be home and alive!

How to Buy a Bathing Suit

Trying bathing suits is traumatic….but I would suggest the following:  Buy something that’s so low cut, and so microscopic that no one will notice the suit, only your boobs and yur butt.
And, oh yes, buy a bright color.
Anything you need from here?

Breaking News

I was behind a lady about 60 yrs old at TJ Maxx and followed her to the carts. She was dressed really nice. She farted really HUGE 3 times!!

Kitchen Porn

Backstory: My mom and I opened a bakery out of her kitchen in January.

Mom: I’m buying my kitchen porn tonight!! Yay!!!

Me: Did you say you are buying your kitchen porn tonight?? What does that mean??

Mom: Yes that is what I said. It is a big, hot, crimson red, pro 600 Kitchenaid Mixer. Kitchen porn.

Hey There Hoochie Mama

Backstory: I sent my mom a picture of the dress I was interested in getting for my friend’s wedding. She had offered to buy it for me as my birthday gift.

Me: hey, here’s the dress i was telling you about!

Mom: Hi Sweetheart, wow! kind of ‘whochimama’ look! I looked on the website but couldn’t
find it to buy it on line. Can you tell me how to get to it?

Me: oh mom, you’re funny. do you know that hoochie mama means great big slut? :)

Mom: OH MY GOD!!! no, I thought it meant hot and sexy!

Showing Her Boobs in the Misses Dept.

I felt weird. Dad was in the dressing room with me. My size was on the store dummy, and he had undressed the dummy. There was a manequin showing her boobs in the misses dept. I was scared we would get in trouble.

Dad’s a Dick Lover

Do you know when that Dick’s store is supposed to open?  I thought it would be by the end of the 1st or 2nd week of March.  Dad is all excited about all the stuff we’re getting out here.  You should’ve seen the look on his face when I told him I didn’t know he was a “Dick lover.”  Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


Raw Emotions

Backstory: A friend had just given birth and I called my mom in tears (near hysterics) to share with her how emotional I was feeling – the miracle of birth and specifically how emotionally overwhelming it all was…  This was her emailed response.

I totally understand – I had an emotional day too – my credit card bill came in the mail.

Love, Mom