What Goes Into a College Guy’s Care Package
hey i was thinking of sending your brother a care package. Do you think he would like girl scout cookies, teeth whitening trays and condoms or is that too weird?
Embracing the Black Sheep
Backstory: Typical gifts to me from my brother include an air mattress inflater (I don’t own an air mattress), a vinyl Playboy purse, and a used Maglight
I KNOW that I am SUCH a Mother – control-freak – however: please remember to get your brother a card, do not need to get a gift. A home-made from the computer or otherwise would be great. I know that he can be delinquent at times with tangible things BUT, at times, he seems to live on the perifory(?) of our family relationships and I want us to really embrace and focus on him for his 30th B’day. It is a ‘Mother thing’ and I promise that y’all are not left out of the ‘Mother thing’ at certain times. Better stop, while I THINK? I am ahead! XOXOXO MAMA
Going Forward I Am Ignoring Everything
I am beginning to think that your brother is a drama queen. He probably was lying to me about the whole thing that she heard what I said. Going forward I am ignoring everything. Highschoolers really are really a pain in the ass. At least for you, once you achieved college you realized that the parents were not as stupid as you thought. I don’t know if he will ever get to that point. The little shit.
Love,
Mom
Neither Hair nor There
Backstory: My mom is dying for my younger brother, a very low maintenance jock type who has had a buzz cut for the last 10 years, to meet a nice girl. She has several theories as to why he is still single. This is a new one.
I know he has a friend’s wedding coming up. Maybe he will meet someone there. I hope he does. That’s a great place to do it. Not trying to pick on him, but any idea why he doesn’t let his hair grow longer? He has such beautiful hair. If he is concerned about how to wear it, he could go to a salon and have it styled. Just a thought.
Score a Point for Satan
Backstory: My sister and I were arguing about who owed money to whom. We were NOT upset, but my mother heard about it.
Dad called and I told him that you both were upset over money. He said,”My Gosh, I can’t believe that they would get their feelings hurt over a few dollars. Have they forgotten how blessed they are that they have each other and they have jobs and are not starving.”
You two have allowed money to influence your relationship with each other. Score a point for Satan.
Dad told me to stay out of it.
Love, MOM
Tortoise Rage
Your idiot brother bought a tortoise. I am so angry. He knows in a very clear way that I don’t want pets in my house. Plus it needs a light on all the time and so is living in Dave’s room where I sleep a few nights a week, that will have to change. Would like him to return it.
Beware the Savage Beast Girls of High School
Backstory: My youngest brother started high school and is quite into “looking the part”. His hipster-ish look and nonchalant demeanor have already attracted lots of attention from the girls, so mom wanted to make sure he’s safe.
J looked so cute today when I dropped him off at his first day of H.S. He had his skinny jeans on with E’s old Mash t-shirt, and his flip flops. He looked really cute. I prayed with him this morning and asked protection for him from the savage beast girls that were going to be after him.
How to Save Money in Italy
Backstory: My brother Frank took our very fit and youthful 75 year-old mother to Italy for ten days… and found ways to stretch every dollar they spent!
Mom: We had a double room in Rome but we would have had to pay twice as much for two people to stay in it so Frank smuggled me in.
Me: He WHAT?
Mom: We never entered or left the hotel together. I would just pretend to be visiting another guest.
Me: Oh my God!
Mom: And to get a buffet meal you had to buy a token at reception and then present it in the restaurant. So I would really fill my plate and then Frank would slip into the restaurant and eat off it too. (Laughs).
Me: I’m just glad i didn’t have to call our embassy to bail you both out of jail!
SF is sin city, isn’t it?
Backstory: I’m the oldest of four, and my youngest brother, who’s 16, was coming to stay with me for a few weeks in San Francisco. The day before his flight, my mom and I were discussing what he should pack for his trip.
Me: make SURE you pack the deodorant
Mom: you better get a lot of air freshener
Me: ew
Mom: I knew you were going to say ew
don’t worry, he’s good about deodorant
Mom: should he check or carry on?
Me: carry on is easier
Mom: Right
remember we talked about little person, little clothes, little suitcase? Well, imagine your 6 ft brother. his pants take up half a suitcase
Just kidding
Me: tell him to bring some nice shirts
Mom: He lives in his basketball clothes
for better or worse
Me: those are fine for the gym
Mom: no. he wears them ALL the time
Me: but he needs clothes for going out
Mom: yeah. I’ll put it all together
make sure to watch him. I’ve guarded his virginity all these years… I’d hate to see him lose it in a few short days
Me: omg
Mom: what… SF is sin city, isn’t it?
Familial Restaurant Complaints
I know you’re his sister, but my word!I asked for water with lemon, got no lemon. Dad ordered the surf and turf thing, and i SWEAR he ate one of the shrimp before he brought it to the table. He even left the tail on the plate. Needless to say, he only got 15%.
OMG J’s Sheltered Life
Backstory: J is my younger brother. He is 22. This was sent to my work email with this exact subject line.
I’m glad J called me on this one…He told me this customer he met at work from Aspen who was on tour with this singer who sang at the Olympics offered him and his manager each a car and a Jaguar for J. He told them he was doing this cause he was trying to write off taxes and not have to pay. He would ask them each for $1000 just for handling fees. He later “discretely” told J to not to tell his boss, that he would give J the car of $100 instead of $1000! It’s scary that J thinks the whole thing is for real! I told him this was a scam and not to sign anything and not to tell the guy nor give him his address, otherwise he’d come and rob us! I left a message to J not to go for drinks or dinner with the guy under any circumstances. J did not see this as a scam. Maybe you can talk with him.
The Wrong Crowd
Mom: your sister is hanging out with the “wrong crowd” it really upsets me.
Me: why do you say that?
Mom: she says that they hang out on the bleachers. What do you think they do there?
Me: I’m going to take a wild guess and say… Sit.
Mom: no I don’t think so. Well ttyl love you. Oh by the way your brother told me he believes in zombies… I’m really worried about your siblings. Plz talk to them.
What’s the 411?
Backstory: My sister and I were driving home from a Britney Spears concert and were IMing my mom to tell her about it.
Me: Tiff had a crazy dream about strawberry milk last night.
Mom: Why doesn’t that surprise me.
Me: It went on and on. She will give you the 411 on it later
Mom: I can hardly wait.
Me: So then you know what 411 is?
Mom: information, details, etc.
Me: You’re so smart.
Mom: That’s why I’m the momma/knower of all things.
Sometimes a Cheeseburger is Just a Cheeseburger
Mom: I have a question for you…I was snooping through your brother’s text messages- he’s been sketchy- is that what y’all say?- lately. Anyways, his troublemaker friend sent him a text that said, “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?” What does that mean?
Me: Ummm…mom, what do you mean? It probably means “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?”
Mom: Oh…are you sure? I just thought maybe it could be some sort of hip secret code for some type of drug or something…
Horse Trading
Backstory: My mom is thinking of getting another horse for my little sister (G), and I asked her what was wrong with the one she has now (Foxy).
Mom: This is a hunt horse we may get for G
Me: Ooooh, pretty! But what about Foxy???
Mom: Yeah-well……we may end up with a yard ornament.
Me: Haha, what?? What’s wrong with Foxy?
Mom: She’s a cranky bitch when she has her period (estrus (sp)) -she may or may not want to be ridden; It’s her choice. There’s an old saying about horses: you can tell a gelding to do something, you can ask a stallion to do something, but you will discuss your options with a mare.
Learning How to Be a Homeslice
Mom: i wished D a happy birthday and his reply was Thanks homeslice. What is homeslice? peice of home???
can’t keep up with his slang
Me: it’s like saying homie, homeboy. it’s a good thing
Mom: so a sweeter version of homeboy. ahahahaahahahahah. got to run and get homeboy a birthday gift. call me later.
Me: peace, homeslice
Mom: bye homegirl. ahahahahah I am quick aren’t I
Me: quick like a fox
Text Message Panic
mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do
Lil’ Bro’s on Ur Computer, Lookin’ At Ur Porn
My 17 year old brother is home from boarding school for winter break.
By the way – woke up to T and A on my computer this morning! He really needs to exit before he falls asleep.
Hate the Brother, Hate the Slut
I’ve been married to the “slut” for 3 years now.
I swear, if I had your brother first, I never would have had another kid. Right now, I really hate him. He left his half eaten doritos in the kitchen.
Well, always remember if you ever want to break up with that slut, we’ve kept your room exactly how you left it. I’ve been using your bed to store some blankets and clothes, but I can clean that up quickly.
Love you baby!
mama
Found: Bra in the Glovebox
Backstory: I’m not a 36B and neither is she. She’s clearly in denial that she SHOULD be asking my brother…
Hey –you never called me back! Do you know anything about the black strapless bra (36b) that I found in my glove box? Do I wash it or throw it?
Also, have you found out anything about ComEd or the new apartment?
Love,
Mom
