Sometimes a Cheeseburger is Just a Cheeseburger

Mom: I have a question for you…I was snooping through your brother’s text messages- he’s been sketchy- is that what y’all say?- lately. Anyways, his troublemaker friend sent him a text that said, “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?” What does that mean?

Me: Ummm…mom, what do you mean? It probably means “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?”

Mom: Oh…are you sure? I just thought maybe it could be some sort of hip secret code for some type of drug or something…

Posted on 04.06.2009 at 8:45 am// Tagged: , , ,

Horse Trading

Backstory: My mom is thinking of getting another horse for my little sister (G), and I asked her what was wrong with the one she has now (Foxy).
Mom: This is a hunt horse we may get for G
Me: Ooooh, pretty! But what about Foxy???
Mom: Yeah-well……we may end up with a yard ornament.
Me: Haha, what?? What’s wrong with Foxy?
Mom: She’s a cranky bitch when she has her period (estrus (sp)) -she may or may not want to be ridden;  It’s her choice.  There’s an old saying about horses:  you can tell a gelding to do something, you can ask a stallion to do something, but you will discuss your options with a mare.

Posted on 03.29.2009 at 9:35 am// Tagged: , ,

Learning How to Be a Homeslice

Mom: i wished D a happy birthday and his reply was Thanks homeslice.  What is homeslice?  peice of home???
can’t keep up with his slang

Me: it’s like saying homie, homeboy.  it’s a good thing

Mom: so a sweeter version of homeboy. ahahahaahahahahah.  got to run and get homeboy a birthday gift. call me later.

Me: peace, homeslice

Mom: bye homegirl. ahahahahah I am quick aren’t I

Me: quick like a fox

Posted on 03.13.2009 at 12:18 pm// Tagged: ,

Text Message Panic

mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do

Posted on 03.09.2009 at 11:56 am// Tagged: ,

Lil’ Bro’s on Ur Computer, Lookin’ At Ur Porn

My 17 year old brother is home from boarding school for winter break.

By the way – woke up to T and A on my computer this morning!  He really needs to exit before he falls asleep.

Posted on 02.17.2009 at 11:41 am// Tagged: ,

Hate the Brother, Hate the Slut

I’ve been married to the “slut” for 3 years now.

I swear, if I had your brother first, I never would have had another kid. Right now, I really hate him. He left his half eaten doritos in the kitchen.

Well, always remember if you ever want to break up with that slut, we’ve kept your room exactly how you left it. I’ve been using your bed to store some blankets and clothes, but I can clean that up quickly.

Love you baby!

mama

Posted on 02.01.2009 at 1:46 pm// Tagged: ,

Found: Bra in the Glovebox

Backstory: I’m not a 36B and neither is she. She’s clearly in denial that she SHOULD be asking my brother…

Hey –you never called me back!  Do you  know anything about the black strapless bra (36b) that I found in my glove box?  Do I wash it or throw it?

Also, have you found out anything about ComEd or the new apartment?

Love,
Mom

Posted on 11.27.2008 at 10:15 am// Tagged: ,

The Ultimate (Frickin’) Cheerleader

Hi Babe,

There is a family in the end house and they’re sweet, talkative to the max, but very sweet.  The mutants remain :(

Yeah, we were sort of expecting the Obama win here…disappointed, but we’ll just have to see how it pans out…there was a big run on the gun stores before the election here (AZ)

[Brother]‘s here for now and looking for employment. We’re all trying to keep good attitude and you know that I’m the ultimate (frickin’) cheer leader – by God those guys are going to be cheery!

Love you both tons

mom :)

Posted on 11.05.2008 at 10:28 am// Tagged: , ,

Sis in the Family Way

Me:  the younger sister is pregnant?

Mom:  yes.

Me:  why didnt she use birth control like meee?  haaha

Mom:  oh my god

Posted on 10.17.2008 at 11:55 am// Tagged: , ,

(still helping/guiding my babies)

Dana,
Can you check Bobby’s away message and tell him:
1. No drinking during the work week. The wkds are for that, that’s why it’s the wkd, so you don’t go to your employer smelling like booze, hung over, risking you job.
2. Don’t put an away message up that might offend someone. If that girl see’s or hear’s of that away message she’ll be hurt. She probably thought she met her Prince Charming and he call’s her a hooker.
3. Now that you’re out of college, no more binge drinking, casual drinking only, then you wouldn’t be kissing a stranger.
If you tell him he won’t get mad at me.
Thanks for your help.
Love,
Mom (still helping/guiding my babies)

Posted on 10.06.2008 at 11:15 am// Tagged: , ,

Just so you know.

Just because your brother is having problems at school does NOT give you permission to have a baby or marry a bum or anything like that to counterbalance it, just so you know.

Posted on 10.05.2008 at 11:38 am// Tagged:

Everyone’s Annoying

SaRAH JUST INFORMED ME I ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. WELL SHE ANNOYS ME TOO! GOOD NIGHT K Dinners ready. Mom

Posted on 09.29.2008 at 11:15 am// Tagged:

Using Mop N’ Glo to Clean a Toilet

So, not only did I fail to teach you how to put on makeup, but also failed to teach you how to use cleaning products. And you are the woman who gave Martha’s Housekeeping to me.
However, the fact that you are cleaning the bathroom with anything proves that you remain unlike your brother and you were not raised in a barn by goats.
Love you,
Mom

Posted on 09.03.2008 at 12:17 pm// Tagged: ,

Your Little Sister & ‘Goth Stuff’

Mom: yes, your little sister’s new college roomie seems nice. she’s from a large catholic family in minnesota, so you don’t need to worry about her getting into all that ‘goth stuff’.

Posted on 08.27.2008 at 11:15 am// Tagged: , ,

19-Year-Old Brother, Home for the Summer

I made zack get up yesterday and clean up all of his stuff and pack it up. it was all over the living room and the houskeepers came.  he said i kicked him out of the house.  this isn’t true.  he doesn’t want to live here if he has to pick up his guitar hero.  mom

Posted on 08.16.2008 at 1:01 pm// Tagged: ,

OMG I can’t believe I just said that.

I have not been able to get ahold of your brother.  Haven’t talked to him in over a week.  Last night he called to say he was in town.  I told him great because the guest room was all clean and ready.  Then, he informed me that he would be staying with his girlfriend.  I thought they were done.  Has he mentioned any of this to you?  Oh well, maybe he just needed a quick lay.  OMG I can’t believe I just said that.  Don’t tell your father.

Love,
Mom

Posted on 08.05.2008 at 10:30 am// Tagged: , ,

What a Life, Eh??

It will probably come saturday or monday so you can buy monistat external cream if you are uncomfortable in the meantime. Call me if u have any questions.

I am getting the gray out of my hair this morning. This afternoon is my nails.-what a life, eh?? Not to mention all the unpacking laundry around the house. The air conditioner man is coming 8 minutes ago-so he is late. I will wake Dan to let him know to lsiten for him cause I am going to debbie and to get your meds in a few minutes.

Sounds like you and Dan will have a good time-I am happy that you will be together. It is a mother’s dream for her children to like each other, etc. At least it is for me.

Beach house sounds fun. Glad that you are having some extra curriculars  in addition to work.  Well I have to get going so …have a great day and keep in touch.

Love, Mom

Posted on 07.25.2008 at 9:01 am// Tagged: , ,

Gawker Today

I saw that [redacted] fellow sent you a silly email at 2:30 AM.  How sad.
I think he is crying out to be accepted by you.  I think you should invite him over for a bbq and let him know he doesn’t need to be successful or funny or even smart, to be your friend – he should just ask nicely.
This is what I told your brother in 1st grade when Zach used to trip him every day at school, and break his pencils.  Zach just didn’t know how to make friends.  He is still a rotten kid of course, but at least his is a rotten kid who is your brother’s friend.

Posted on 06.27.2008 at 2:00 pm// Tagged: ,

DUI by proxy

Backstory: “I received this from my mom after my brother got a DUI. Both of us are over 25, but I suppose I’m in trouble, too?!”

I shouldn’t have to find out that my son got a DUI from the local newspaper. Please come over soon so that we can discuss.

Mom

Posted on 06.25.2008 at 8:55 am// Tagged: ,


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Love, Mom