That’s What She Said
“That’s What She Said.” Went completely over my head, because it’s something from “The Office.” Can you explain it to your mother?
Dad is a BFB
Mom: ur dad is a bfb
Me: bfb?
Mom: big fucking baby, duh!
Thought You’d Appreciate My Coolness
So today I was passing one of my mangers… who by the way is late 50s at best.. and I said ‘ what up ‘??
He said, ‘did you just say “what up” ??’ and I said ‘ word ‘
Thought you’d appreciate my coolness…
Love you!!
Gangsta Dad
Backstory: My dad works in IT.
Ok your dad thinks he’s a gangsta rapper now and he wants to know if you know what street cred is.
IDK Who’s On First!
Backstory: Mom was really proud to tell us about this exchange with a client, as she felt equally proficient at text language.
Mom: what time should I pick you up?
Client: IDK
Mom: I don’t know what IDK means
Client: I don’t know
Mom: You don’t know what it means either!
Head of the (Cl)ass
Mom: One of the boys at school found my home phone number and called and left a dirty message about what he wants to do with my ass.
Me: Really?? What did he say?
Mom: I don’t know something about he wants to pop it, or spank it.
Why would he like my ass?
Me: What exactly did it say, humor me.
Mom: Yo, Mrs.— I’m going to pop a cap in your ass.
Me: Omg Mom that means he wants to kill you.
Mom: Really? I thought he liked me.
Mom’s Dope Style
Do you know the hood word “dope,” as for example “he’s dope,” meaning “he’s the the greatest”? Saw Randy Jackson on Joy Behar last night and he was using it. I like it. I’m going to pepper some of my conversations with it.
Dove Talk
Mom: Hi honey! Just wanted to let you know I will be in Seattle tomorrow with the 3rd grade class!
Me: Coo.
Mom: Isn’t that what a dove says?
I thought a Hummer was a big car
I was sitting at the airport tonight, waiting to pick up your Aunt, and I saw a car with a bumper sticker I didn’t understand. I wrote it down so I could ask you. It said, “if I wanted a Hummer, I would have married your sister.” What does that mean? I thought a Hummer was a big car. I asked your Aunt and she didn’t understand it either. Can you enlighten us?
Mom Gets the Lingo
Mom: While we’re in NYC you want to go to Lion King on broadway for OTS?
Me: What is OTS?
Mom: Old Times Sake. Duh.
Unhappy Girls
Backstory: My sister and I had spent the weekend at our Mom’s and we, apparently, both left a bra there.
mom: Did you both leave your bras here to try to tell me something???? :-)
me: I know. I was bugged when I realized I left my favorite bra. Oh well, the girls will have to be unhappy for a while.
mom: Are the girls your body parts?
Learning New Words
Backstory: I discovered that my mother had been facebook-stalking some of my younger brother’s friends. These guys had been quoting items from the website www.textsfromlastnight.com.
Mom: I have a question
Me: ok
Mom: I have been reading these quotes on facebook that ur brother’s friends keep posting
Me: ok
Mom: they are so random
Mom: one of them says something about a queef. what is a queef?
Me: Mom, it’s kind of vulgar
Me: It’s the sound of air escaping from a woman’s vagina
Mom: Oh. Who writes that on facebook?
Send Her To Urban Dictionary
What’s Ridin’ Dirty? I want to know because maybe I do it every day.
Not Ghetto By Choice
Backstory: The podiatrist diagnosed my mom with a degenerative joint disease in her big left toe. She somehow recently cracked the bone so she has to wear a boot to immobilize it for 2 weeks.
Hey girls -
This picture is per Tal’s request, cuz she said she needed a good laugh!!! JK
Anyway– be warned….. this could be you in 30 years if you keep on wearing high heels. And let me tell you, it does not feel good!!!
love ya- take care. Mom
P.S. the Yo Mama title is becuase I am getting ready to go ghetto to work tomorrow (one pant leg pushed up). Not by choice, though!!!
What’s the 411?
Backstory: My sister and I were driving home from a Britney Spears concert and were IMing my mom to tell her about it.
Me: Tiff had a crazy dream about strawberry milk last night.
Mom: Why doesn’t that surprise me.
Me: It went on and on. She will give you the 411 on it later
Mom: I can hardly wait.
Me: So then you know what 411 is?
Mom: information, details, etc.
Me: You’re so smart.
Mom: That’s why I’m the momma/knower of all things.
Cooling Out
Backstory: I told my mom once on the phone that I was “chilling” with my friends and she didn’t quite catch on to the term, but still felt obligated to keep using it.
Were you cooling with your friends today? Have a good weekend, and make sure you have some snacks and juice when you go to one of those frat parties!
Am I Using the Term Correctly?
Didn’t you say your dad took a golden shower at that bar he was at in the city? I’ve been telling all of my friends but your dad says I am wrong and I probably shouldn’t repeat this story. Am I using the term correctly?
Smarter Than A Sixth Grader
Backstory: my mom tells us things that are not true and then we repeat them and look like idiots. This “weenus” fact was actually told to her by a sixth grader. She believes everyone and everything.
mom: Did you know that your elbow flab is called your “weenus”? How are the boys [our dogs]?
me:That can’t be true. Is that a medical term?
mom: Truth…bodhi [our dog] knows…or he will poop on your head…weenus.
Learning How to Be a Homeslice
Mom: i wished D a happy birthday and his reply was Thanks homeslice. What is homeslice? peice of home???
can’t keep up with his slang
Me: it’s like saying homie, homeboy. it’s a good thing
Mom: so a sweeter version of homeboy. ahahahaahahahahah. got to run and get homeboy a birthday gift. call me later.
Me: peace, homeslice
Mom: bye homegirl. ahahahahah I am quick aren’t I
Me: quick like a fox
A Different Kind of Dunce Cap
Please don’t hey me. And please don’t write telephono. As a language teacher (and as your mother), that offends and annoys me. And what is <3 ? Is that a woman with a dunce cap and large breasts?
- tu mami
