We’re Tight

Me: I got a lot of things done today.
Mom: good.
I saw dr holt. him and me. we’re tight.
he gave me his cell phone number.
well actually i saw him yesterday
Me: ….did you just use the phrase “we’re tight” ?
Mom: i did.

I Didn’t Just Fall Off the Turnip Truck

Me: This wedding is going to be a Tanya & Alice Production
Mom: oh yes, a T & A production
Me: Do you know what T & A stands for?
Me: Yes mom
Mom: I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck tanya.

Camel Toe Explained

Mom: I asked Dad what camel toe was and he explained it to me. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT THAT AT THE DINNER TABLE!

Me: Mom, I told you what it meant and you laughed.

Mom: YES, BUT I DIDN’T GET IT! I just didn’t want to look stupid!

The Tao of Mom’s Booty

Me: Tell him to feel better.  I love and appreciate you.  Am I cute?
Mom: On occasion.  Am I hot and is my butt big?
Me: You are hot because your butt is big.
Mom: I have a brick boohang.

Camel’s Feet

Mom: Your aunt and I want to know if you’ve ever heard of a camel’s foot?
Me: Um, do you mean a camel toe???
Mom: Yes!  That’s it.  What is it?
Me: Well, it’s when a woman wears really tight pants and gets a wedgie….um, in the front…
Mom: Oh!  Well, wouldn’t that look more like the entire foot??

Friend With Benefits

Dear L:

I need you to treat me with more respect.  Instead of treating me as your mother, please treat me as you would a friend with benefits.


That’s What She Said

“That’s What She Said.” Went completely over my head, because it’s something from “The Office.” Can you explain it to your mother?

Dad is a BFB

Mom: ur dad is a bfb
Me: bfb?
Mom: big fucking baby, duh!

Thought You’d Appreciate My Coolness

So today I was passing one of my mangers… who by the way is late 50s at best.. and I said ‘ what up ‘??

He said, ‘did you just say “what up” ??’ and I said ‘ word ‘

Thought you’d appreciate my coolness…

Love you!!

Gangsta Dad

Backstory: My dad works in IT.

Ok your dad thinks he’s a gangsta rapper now and he wants to know if you know what street cred is.

IDK Who’s On First!

Backstory: Mom was really proud to tell us about this exchange with a client, as she felt equally proficient at text language.

Mom: what time should I pick you up?
Client: IDK
Mom: I don’t know what IDK means
Client: I don’t know
Mom: You don’t know what it means either!

Head of the (Cl)ass

Mom: One of the boys at school found my home phone number and called and left a dirty message about what he wants to do with my ass.
Me: Really?? What did he say?
Mom: I don’t know something about he wants to pop it, or spank it.
Why would he like my ass?
Me: What exactly did it say, humor me.
Mom: Yo, Mrs.— I’m going to pop a cap in your ass.
Me: Omg Mom that means he wants to kill you.
Mom: Really? I thought he liked me.

Mom’s Dope Style

Do you know the hood word “dope,” as for example “he’s dope,” meaning “he’s the the greatest”? Saw Randy Jackson on Joy Behar last night and he was using it. I like it. I’m going to pepper some of my conversations with it.

Dove Talk

Mom: Hi honey! Just wanted to let you know I will be in Seattle tomorrow with the 3rd grade class!
Me: Coo.
Mom: Isn’t that what a dove says?

I thought a Hummer was a big car

I was sitting at the airport tonight, waiting to pick up your Aunt, and I saw a car with a bumper sticker I didn’t understand. I wrote it down so I could ask you. It said, “if I wanted a Hummer, I would have married your sister.” What does that mean? I thought a Hummer was a big car. I asked your Aunt and she didn’t understand it either. Can you enlighten us?

Mom Gets the Lingo

Mom: While we’re in NYC you want to go to Lion King on broadway for OTS?
Me: What is OTS?
Mom: Old Times Sake. Duh.

Unhappy Girls

Backstory: My sister and I had spent the weekend at our Mom’s and we, apparently, both left a bra there.
mom: Did you both leave your bras here to try to tell me something???? :-)
me: I know. I was bugged when I realized I left my favorite bra. Oh well, the girls will have to be unhappy for a while.
mom: Are the girls your body parts?

Learning New Words

Backstory: I discovered that my mother had been facebook-stalking some of my younger brother’s friends.  These guys had been quoting items from the website www.textsfromlastnight.com.

Mom: I have a question

Me: ok

Mom: I have been reading these quotes on facebook that ur brother’s friends keep posting

Me: ok

Mom: they are so random

Mom: one of them says something about a queef.  what is a queef?

Me: Mom, it’s kind of vulgar

Me: It’s the sound of air escaping from a woman’s vagina

Mom: Oh.  Who writes that on facebook?

Send Her To Urban Dictionary

What’s Ridin’ Dirty? I want to know because maybe I do it every day.

Not Ghetto By Choice

Backstory: The podiatrist diagnosed my mom with a degenerative joint disease in her big left toe. She somehow recently cracked the bone so she has to wear a boot to immobilize it for 2 weeks.

Hey girls -

This picture is per Tal’s request, cuz she said she needed a good laugh!!! JK

Anyway– be warned….. this could be you in 30 years if you keep on wearing high heels. And let me tell you, it does not feel good!!!

love ya- take care. Mom

P.S. the Yo Mama title is becuase I am getting ready to go ghetto to work tomorrow (one pant leg pushed up). Not by choice, though!!!

Love, Mom