Me: I got a lot of things done today.
I saw dr holt. him and me. we’re tight.
he gave me his cell phone number.
well actually i saw him yesterday
Me: ….did you just use the phrase “we’re tight” ?
Mom: i did.
Me: I got a lot of things done today.
Me: This wedding is going to be a Tanya & Alice Production
Mom: oh yes, a T & A production
Me: Do you know what T & A stands for?
Mom: TITS & ASS
Me: Yes mom
Mom: I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck tanya.
Mom: I asked Dad what camel toe was and he explained it to me. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT THAT AT THE DINNER TABLE!
Me: Mom, I told you what it meant and you laughed.
Mom: YES, BUT I DIDN’T GET IT! I just didn’t want to look stupid!
Me: Tell him to feel better. I love and appreciate you. Am I cute?
Mom: On occasion. Am I hot and is my butt big?
Me: You are hot because your butt is big.
Mom: I have a brick boohang.
Mom: Your aunt and I want to know if you’ve ever heard of a camel’s foot?
Me: Um, do you mean a camel toe???
Mom: Yes! That’s it. What is it?
Me: Well, it’s when a woman wears really tight pants and gets a wedgie….um, in the front…
Mom: Oh! Well, wouldn’t that look more like the entire foot??
I need you to treat me with more respect. Instead of treating me as your mother, please treat me as you would a friend with benefits.
“That’s What She Said.” Went completely over my head, because it’s something from “The Office.” Can you explain it to your mother?
Mom: ur dad is a bfb
Mom: big fucking baby, duh!
So today I was passing one of my mangers… who by the way is late 50s at best.. and I said ‘ what up ‘??
He said, ‘did you just say “what up” ??’ and I said ‘ word ‘
Thought you’d appreciate my coolness…
Backstory: My dad works in IT.
Ok your dad thinks he’s a gangsta rapper now and he wants to know if you know what street cred is.
Backstory: Mom was really proud to tell us about this exchange with a client, as she felt equally proficient at text language.
Mom: what time should I pick you up?
Mom: I don’t know what IDK means
Client: I don’t know
Mom: You don’t know what it means either!
Mom: One of the boys at school found my home phone number and called and left a dirty message about what he wants to do with my ass.
Me: Really?? What did he say?
Mom: I don’t know something about he wants to pop it, or spank it.
Why would he like my ass?
Me: What exactly did it say, humor me.
Mom: Yo, Mrs.— I’m going to pop a cap in your ass.
Me: Omg Mom that means he wants to kill you.
Mom: Really? I thought he liked me.
Do you know the hood word “dope,” as for example “he’s dope,” meaning “he’s the the greatest”? Saw Randy Jackson on Joy Behar last night and he was using it. I like it. I’m going to pepper some of my conversations with it.
Mom: Hi honey! Just wanted to let you know I will be in Seattle tomorrow with the 3rd grade class!
Mom: Isn’t that what a dove says?
I was sitting at the airport tonight, waiting to pick up your Aunt, and I saw a car with a bumper sticker I didn’t understand. I wrote it down so I could ask you. It said, “if I wanted a Hummer, I would have married your sister.” What does that mean? I thought a Hummer was a big car. I asked your Aunt and she didn’t understand it either. Can you enlighten us?
Mom: While we’re in NYC you want to go to Lion King on broadway for OTS?
Me: What is OTS?
Mom: Old Times Sake. Duh.
Backstory: My sister and I had spent the weekend at our Mom’s and we, apparently, both left a bra there.
mom: Did you both leave your bras here to try to tell me something???? :-)
me: I know. I was bugged when I realized I left my favorite bra. Oh well, the girls will have to be unhappy for a while.
mom: Are the girls your body parts?
Backstory: I discovered that my mother had been facebook-stalking some of my younger brother’s friends. These guys had been quoting items from the website www.textsfromlastnight.com.
Mom: I have a question
Mom: I have been reading these quotes on facebook that ur brother’s friends keep posting
Mom: they are so random
Mom: one of them says something about a queef. what is a queef?
Me: Mom, it’s kind of vulgar
Me: It’s the sound of air escaping from a woman’s vagina
Mom: Oh. Who writes that on facebook?
What’s Ridin’ Dirty? I want to know because maybe I do it every day.
Backstory: The podiatrist diagnosed my mom with a degenerative joint disease in her big left toe. She somehow recently cracked the bone so she has to wear a boot to immobilize it for 2 weeks.
Hey girls -
This picture is per Tal’s request, cuz she said she needed a good laugh!!! JK
Anyway– be warned….. this could be you in 30 years if you keep on wearing high heels. And let me tell you, it does not feel good!!!
love ya- take care. Mom
P.S. the Yo Mama title is becuase I am getting ready to go ghetto to work tomorrow (one pant leg pushed up). Not by choice, though!!!