What’s the 411?

Backstory: My sister and I were driving home from a Britney Spears concert and were IMing my mom to tell her about it.

Me: Tiff had a crazy dream about strawberry milk last night.
Mom: Why doesn’t that surprise me.
Me: It went on and on.    She will give you the 411 on it later
Mom: I can hardly wait.
Me: So then you know what 411 is?
Mom: information, details, etc.
Me: You’re so smart.
Mom: That’s why I’m the momma/knower of all things.

Cooling Out

Backstory: I told my mom once on the phone that I was “chilling” with my friends and she didn’t quite catch on to the term, but still felt obligated to keep using it.

Were you cooling with your friends today?  Have a good weekend, and make sure you have some snacks and juice when you go to one of those frat parties!

Am I Using the Term Correctly?

Didn’t you say your dad took a golden shower at that bar he was at in the city? I’ve been telling all of my friends but your dad says I am wrong and I probably shouldn’t repeat this story. Am I using the term correctly?

Smarter Than A Sixth Grader

Backstory: my mom tells us things that are not true and then we repeat them and look like idiots. This “weenus” fact was actually told to her by a sixth grader. She believes everyone and everything.
mom: Did you know that your elbow flab is called your “weenus”? How are the boys [our dogs]?
me:That can’t be true. Is that a medical term?
mom: Truth…bodhi [our dog] knows…or he will poop on your head…weenus.

Learning How to Be a Homeslice

Mom: i wished D a happy birthday and his reply was Thanks homeslice.  What is homeslice?  peice of home???
can’t keep up with his slang

Me: it’s like saying homie, homeboy.  it’s a good thing

Mom: so a sweeter version of homeboy. ahahahaahahahahah.  got to run and get homeboy a birthday gift. call me later.

Me: peace, homeslice

Mom: bye homegirl. ahahahahah I am quick aren’t I

Me: quick like a fox

A Different Kind of Dunce Cap

Please don’t hey me. And please don’t write telephono. As a language teacher (and as your mother), that offends and annoys me. And what is <3 ? Is that a woman with a dunce cap and large breasts?
- tu mami

Don’t Encourage Her

Backstory: Since mom has been on Facebook she finds all kinds of cool “new” phrases. The other day told me “that’s how I roll.” I probably shouldn’t encourage it, but I do anyway…
Me: Here you go mom- a new phrase you can use on your facebook friends to be cool! “the bomb.com!”
Mom: I found something else too! Denizzle is going to be my gangsta name! I’m excited!
Me: Oh my.
Mom: Unfortunately, your name wouldn’t make a good gangsta name, but David’s would – DAVIZZLE!
Me: Okay mom, that’s good.
Mom: I’m going to be working on this. I’ll let you know more later.

Gangsta and Creepy

Backstory: I sent my mom an interview that Katie Couric did of Lil’ Wayne for the Grammys.

Katie Couric shouldn’t have gone into the news. She’s way too perky. What the f’ is wrong with his face? He’s a gangsta and a rapper? He’s taking on the president?? I would be in fear of my life if I had to interview him! Please tell me they did not actually tattoo this child for his album cover. That is the saddest thing ever. And creepy.

Oh, and Dave, that you met yesterday is the like a more intelligent Gomer Pyle. He’s really nice.

Clearing Up Cougar Confusion

Thought cougar just meant cool 40+ women. Found out what it means – not a cougar!

That n00b got pwned

“n00b/noob-a newbie. an inexperienced, ignorant or unskilled person. especially in computer games. What does “That n00b got pwned.” mean?

You go girl!!!

You go girl!!! Of course, there’s never any doubt in my mind that you could excel at anything you put your mind to. When I think about all you’ve done and accomplished,  it amazes me. Snap!
I love you oodles and oodles and oodles,   Mom

Is it derogatory?

Mom: Calling someone “short man” is even worse than calling someone “shortie.”
Me: No, Mom.  “Short man” and “shortie” don’t mean the same thing.
Mom: They don’t?! Well then what does “shortie” mean?
Me: It’s the name for a girl.
Mom: I’ve never heard that before.  Is it derogatory?
Me: Oh my god Mom…  No.
Mom: Don’t huff and puff at me!

Mom’s Been Hanging With Snoop Dogg Again

Just a few more hours.  Think about next week and the fun food and prezzies at my hizzy!!!

A New Drug to Worry About

I just heard on the news that sugar is as addictive as HEROIN!  OMG…also results in food addiction.. You might have to commit me!

Slang Help Needed

Q:  Have you ever heard the expression; “wake & bake”?  What does it mean?


Mom The Capitalist Pawn

Backstory: My mom hangs onto old catch phrases like Mariah and mini skirts. Favorites include: Waazup?, “And I kick her sir” a line from FernGully, and “I can’t back that up” from Seinfield.

I have three writing projects to get done this week…WV, WTC and write a play for Marquette. Hello Moto!  xoxomom

No Camel Toe in the Classroom

Mom: Isn’t camel toe an inappropriate reference

Me: yes

Mom: refering to the genital area?

Me: yes

Me: why?

Mom: OK  I threw a kid out of class for saying it repeatedly

Me: yeah that was a good call

it’s thugged out, mom

Laura & I are going to the Mary J. Blige concert tonight.  I got free tickets from work.  $77 a ticket.  Amber wanted me to give her the tickets but I told her Laura & I will wear our thug out clothes so we fit in.  She corrected me with “it’s thugged out, mom, not thug out”.

What Mom Learned From AARP

Mom: hey chickie

Mom: made meatballs.
what more can a poor working girl want
than her mama’s company

Me: did you just call me a prostitute?

Mom: no, those are skanky working girls, with a tramp stamp
you have a stamp, but not in the trampy spot

Me: oh man alive.

Mom: but don’t want to see you and j cupcaking

Me: what does that even mean?

Mom: and i am your peep
you should check your vitals
and dont talk smack about kathy
fo shizzle
obvi you are the bomb
and ridonkulous beyond sick for shizzle tight and wack to boot
a total nutter, and snogging your boo with a totes badonkadong
I been reading the aarp magazine
how many of those do you know?

Me: like- the old people magazine?

Mom: obvi
tramp stamp

Me: You are scary.

Mom: bet i made your day huh
we aarp’ers are right up on it

Mom: so what thinks you my baby girl
am i cool or what?

ship my shiznick

Backstory: we’re going on a family vacation to London and Paris and Virgin sent us the wrong tickets.

I just talked to the village idiots over at Virgin and reminded them that I ain’t no punk.  Anyways, they gave me a tracking number for our package.  Girrrrrrrl, our shiznick is in Charlotte, NC and it’s not expected to be received back at Virgin until October 7th.  [It was shipped out of myrtle beach, s.c. On Sep. 22th they sent it via ground]  So, I will stay on it and track it daily and the people at Virgin can expect to hear from me again on Oct. 7th bright and early and I will let them know that they better ship my shiznick out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, if not sooner!!!!  I’m on it like white on rice.  This isn’t a joke!!!

Love, Mom