Mom: I think the guy at starbucks likes you.

Me: Ew. We call him Jethro – cause he’s dumb.

Mom: I can’t listen to you say mean things. Don’t call him Jethro – he’s cute.

Me: He’s on drugs.

Mom: Well, I don’t want you mixed up with someone on drugs.

Me: But you want me mixed up with a barista!? Do you want me to have to bring your grandchildren to live with you after my barista/drug dealer husband leaves us????

Backstory: My ex-boyfriend’s parents are coming to town and want me to join them and their son for dinner — on his birthday.

mom: well, if it’s his b-day, you should probably take a gift
me: oh geez
what do you get for somebody whose heart you just broke?
mom: like maybe a starbuck’s gift card or something