Backstory: My mom frantically called me because her computer was acting “weird.”

Mom: Help! I think I broke my computer!
Me: What happened?
Mom: I don’t know. The screen went black and there’s lines going across it.
Me: What happens when you hit a key or the mouse?
Mom: It goes away but if I leave the room and come back 10 minutes later it comes back! WHAT DID I DO?!?!?
Me: That’s your screen saver
Mom: Well that’s dumb

Mom: Hey, can you call me on my cell phone? I set the ringer to vibrate and I need to make sure I did it right. I’m getting ready to go in somewhere and I don’t want it to ring if someone calls me.
Me: (snicker) OK.
[Called Mom’s phone]
Me: Did it ring or vibrate?
Mom: It rang AND vibrated.
Me: It did? What are you going to do??
Mom: I don’t know. I don’t want anyone to hear it.
Me: Use the volume buttons on the side of the phone. There should be a button with up & down arrows on the side. Use that to set the ringer. Look at the display and set it to “Vibrate Only.”
Mom: Oh, I thought I had to go into Tools.
Me: No.
Mom: Okay.
Me: Did you set it to vibrate?
Mom: Yeah but I can’t hear it very well.
Me: Sigh.

Me: Mom, do you have a fax machine now? My calls won’t go through.
Mom: Yes, we bought that to stop telemarketing calls. We turn it on, and they can’t call us.
Me: Mom, NO ONE can call you.
Mom: Oh, I guess you’re right. Just send me an email when you want to call and I’ll turn off the fax.