Hyper Texting

Backstory: My mom thinks I text her too much.

Me: I need to get my northface cleaned when I get home…I got bbq sauce on it
Mom: okay, what would I need to know about that?
Me: I was eating and it got on my coat. How else would it happen?
Mom: seriously, you’re like stream of conscious texting
Me: you’re allowed to send me 14 emails a week telling me to wish on a butterfly made of semicolons and back slashes and I’m not allowed to talk about my dry cleaning?
Mom: No.

So It’s Not the Phone?

Backstory: My mother calls. I have no voice, so I ignore the call and text her back. She responds by text.

Me: Can’t talk, I have no voice. I’m sick.
Mom: Don’t you have another phone?
Me: It doesn’t matter, I can’t talk. I don’t have a voice.
Mom: so why don’t you talk on your other phone.
Me: because I have no voice.
Mom: why is that phone broken too?
Me: the phones are fine, I just don’t have a voice. I can’t talk. I’m sick.
Mom: so it’s not the phone.
Me: no. I’m sick, I have no voice.
Mom: oh. hope your fever gets better.

Shouty Crackers

Backstory: These messages happened about 30 seconds apart, my mom had just got a new phone and couldn’t work it!

Me: Blimey mother, what’s with all the shouting?
Me: When you text all in caps it’s generally considered to be indicative of shouting!!

Most Def Not Gonna Become a Text GEEK!

Just so you know my point of view…
texting is a bitch… my poor eyes can’t see those little letters, numbers, and punctuation little pieces of shit.
So don’t go expecting your life to change just cuz we’re on the PLAN!!!
in emergency only I will use it, but I am most def not gonna become a text GEEK!

Dad is a BFB

Mom: ur dad is a bfb
Me: bfb?
Mom: big fucking baby, duh!

How to Date-Text Your Mom

Backstory: I was on a dinner date and texted my mother while he was in the bathroom.

Me: He is such a good door opener.
Mom: Tati
Me: Tati??
Mom: Yay!!!
Me: Oh
Mom: Bahahahahahaha
Me: Hahahahahahah you are a silly ho
Me: And we are at a fancy restaraunt!!!
Mom: Does he know you’re texting?
Mom: Use your napkin

Not That Kind of Entertainment

Backstory: my friend had text my mother saying “get her to stop singing to us” while on a roadtrip because they all hate how horrible of a singer i am, even though i’m convinced i’m great.

Mom: Will you please stop singing to them? I’m trying to work and keep getting texts that you’re annoying the shit out of them. Besides, you’re awful.
Me: Mom..clearly i was born to entertain.
Mom: yeah…maybe with your clothes off.

Is There a Special Number?

If I want to send someone a text message, do I have to have a special number? Or can I just send it to their regular phone number?

Texting is a Gateway Drug

Mom: Look at that guy! Texting and trying to cross! He probably texts and drives too.
Ugh it just drives me crazy! Maybe I’m just jealous because I’m not a part of it.
Me: HA I can teach you how to text.
Mom: No. That’s just a gateway to things like FaceBook and MyFace.

Beatles Rock Band Forces Mom to Reset Priorities

Backstory: My Dad bought Beatles Rock Band the other day, and my Mom, who used to be really fast at responding to my texts, has stopped replying. I text her to find out if her texting was broken.

im sure that if i hadnt been rehearsing for our concert tour i wouldve sent you a text

Texts & Death

Mother: At the ceremony now.

Me: What! You’re texting during a funeral ceremony? You stop that right now.

Mother: Well I was only AT the ceremony not actually IN it.

New Cook Phone!

Im txting you from my new super cool purple phone same insane mother new cook phone xoxoxo

I am not a fluzzy.

Backstory: My mom recently went on a date after a LONG drought.  She is JUST getting into text messaging, but hasn’t quite figured it out.

Me: Yay! Did you like him? Thinking of you while drinking a Corona.
Mom: Yesheisveryhandsome
Me: Awesome. You totally invited him over, didn’t you? :)
Mom: Noiamnotafluzzy
Me: Hahaha! The GOAL is to be a little fluzzy now and then!
Mom: Notitisnotbythewaywhereisthespace
Me: It’s probably the zero key.
Mom: okloveyoubesafe
Me: No we won’t. Going home with rusty and bigdog-not sure where we are. :)
Mom: Callyourdadnodont

Over-Texting Momma

Mom: Did u get in2 class
Mom: How was wk
Mom: How was wk
Me: It was ok
Mom: Was it busy
Me: Very
Mom: WOW!
Mom: Hi did u get in2 class
Mom: What do u do in class

Don’t Be a Weenie

Backstory: I met an English guy while out clubbing this weekend, and texted my mom about it. she had also recently sent me some Italian chocolates, so i guess it was a twofold meaningful text.

Don’t be blinded by the english accent, you weenie!! love you and hope you enjoy the chocolate.

You’re Never too Old for Mom to Embarrass You

Mom: Guess who’s standing in front of me right now?! B H. He’s a car sales man and came in to pass out his business cards…small world huh? He said to say “Hi.” He lives in C, married with 2 kids. He too is on Facebook. Just thought I’d let you know. Love ya
Me: I saw his pic on FB a while back – he looks pretty hot…good genes.
Mom: Bawahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..I read him your reply! He turned 50 shades of red! He is hot! Seems like a nice enough guy….always question those car sales people!!
Me: Take some pepto for that diarrhea of the mouth!
Mom: Oh shut up

Sometimes a Cheeseburger is Just a Cheeseburger

Mom: I have a question for you…I was snooping through your brother’s text messages- he’s been sketchy- is that what y’all say?- lately. Anyways, his troublemaker friend sent him a text that said, “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?” What does that mean?

Me: Ummm…mom, what do you mean? It probably means “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?”

Mom: Oh…are you sure? I just thought maybe it could be some sort of hip secret code for some type of drug or something…

Text Message Panic

mom: hello please text me back if you get this.
me: got it
mom: oh good I thought something was wrong with my text messages. I have sent 3 texts to your brother but no reply. I am worried he’s dead or worse just drunk all the time.
me: I talked to him this morning, he’s not dead at least. I can’t vouch for the rest.
mom: I’m so glad I learned this texting stuff just so I could “supposedly” communicate with him. I’m now paying 30 extra bucks a month for him to ignore me, like always.
me: well at least you’re all hip now with your cool new phone.
mom: whoop de do

He’s Very Special

Backstory: My mom has trouble properly spelling words while texting. Also, this text is about her childhood milkman who she ran into at the Doctor’s office

Oh yes   i wood recognize hin anywhere   hes uery speciaj

High Chat Anxiety

Just cant figure how the comments got there about returning a text message or whatever it said. How would someone elses texts get on my chat area? Im not sure what this is here I am typing on, it says Chat with A* in a new big square separate from the side. This also looks like an email but as a chat session. I cant see my chat and the words have gone up into some space. I cant get to it and it wont send. Also this different chat thing is here, maybe I brought it up when I clicked on chat on the left side of the screen where you can see your history of chats and all that. I think that is how I saw you had chatted me, things weren’t going normal on the regular chat space (like now). Im sending this to see if you will get it, not sure. I will email you also. Maybe I should just shut down and start over. I am not a wiz at this thing. When it does crappy things I cant fix or figure out. I love you and am sorry if you felt I intentionally ignored you or something. Sad face. Your mom.

Love, Mom