Mom’s Thanksgiving Excitement

Backstory: This was my Mom’s response when I sent her my Thanksgiving travel itinerary. I’m Emily and my sister is Valerie.

Yippeeee, Turkeeeeee, Emileeeee, Valerieeeee, Momeeeee, Dadeeee, Funeeeee

Thanksgiving Depravity

Backstory: My mother has always snooped around in my affairs and tried to find proof of my depravity, which isn’t hard to do as she disapproves of just about everything, including said “beer drinking.” This was by far her best! (Yes, she is now blocked from my FB page).

Mom: I went to facebook and when I scrolled down it had a list of Hallmark Social Calendar events. One of the events was a “Thanksgiving Eve” party which included beer drinking, battle of the sexes, and what sounded like sexual activities.
Me: Explain your message.  It’s a good thing I have counseling today so I can take this with me.
Mom: In regard to the sexual activities, it listed CORNHOLE. When we were growing up, that meant anal intercourse.  I don’t know what it means now.  I should have asked if you went.

Turkey in a Paper Bag

Backstory: I was thinking of cooking a paper bag turkey for Thanksgiving any my mom wanted to try it out on a chicken first.

So let me tell you about the roast chicken in a paper bag!!  I cooked it for 1 hour and 40 minutes and figured it had to be done, carefully cut open the paper bag and tried not to let any steam burn my hands and checked the temp.  Well, 130 degrees.  It was not even close to being done and it didn’t brown and there was no crispy skin and the wings stuck to the paper even though the thing was well oiled and I felt like I needed 4 hands to get the slippery little bugger into the bag; that was a messy process.  So by 8 o’clock last night when Michael and I were both hungry and this chicken wasn’t even close to being ready, I pulled the damn thing out of the oven and called 5Star for a sub for him and a gyro for me and went to pick them up with wet hair.  I would skip the idea of turkey in a paper bag unless you want to wait forever to eat.

hahaha……………….love, Mom

Slightly Overwhelmed at Thanksgiving

When are you coming home for Thanksgiving?  Does G want to stay over?  He can use H’s room. When is S coming home?  When is anyone coming home?  Who is going to come home?  Where is everyone?  Who is going to do all the cooking and cleaning? Who is going to paint the living room and kitchen before Thursday? I am canceling Thanksgiving.

Modes of Transportation

Backstory: My mom and I were talking about how I should get home to New York for Thanksgiving. She is opposed to me flying.

Mom: bus is cheaper
Me: i would rather have sex for money than take the bus
Mom: well if u do that u can pick your mode of transportation

Holiday Planning

Backstory: My husband and I both have children from previous marriages, so it’s kind of hard for my mom to keep up with what holidays we will have them.

It is the time of year when those with children need to start trying to figure out who is going to be where when for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Christmas Eve. Those of us who throw the bash need to know how many to plan for so that we can beging buying the necessary ingredients.

(How was that?  Did it sound sort of professional?) :)

Another Hallmark Thanksgiving

Hi Sweetie,
Yes, Thanksgiving was memorable. Jimmy wore his finest sweatpants and announced he was no longer giving birthday or holiday gifts or cards to anyone. He had little stubs of used candles on his table. They couldn’t have been more than 3/4 of an inch tall. When someone asked about them he replied, “Well, I thought I could probably get one more dinner out of them.” So much for graciousness. We brought the dinner. His part was preparing a vegetable. Of course to go with the Thanksgiving theme he chose Oriental vegetables in a lovely flavored sauce that positively bounced off your tongue it was so strong. Then he combined asparagus and squash which resulted in the squash being over cooked and the asparagus too tough to chew. It was a culinary delight. His niece also announced that they were not exchanging gifts but not to fret for we would all receive pictures of their children. Honestly, I can hardly wait. So there you have it, another Hallmark Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Smurfies

Hi–I turned on the parade yesterday to be in synch with you, and I saw blue smurf up in the sky. Did you see smurfie? Love Mommy

Just Throw it in the Bird’s Ass and Bake the Bastard

for the meat stuffing:  You are probably going to wantthree ponds of ground pork.  if you can find common crackers down there….that is what the recipe calls for, but i usually use oyster crackers or even saltines works fine.  just saute the pork with a large or two med onions and crush about a sleeve of crackers (if you use the other kind just judge it about the same amount.  don’t drain the fat from the pork b/c you want it to absorb into the crackers when you add them. (cut the onions very fine too) i usually chop mine or grate them.  while it is simmering just add bells seasoning and salt and pepper to taste.  i would say with 3 lbs you will use at least half a box..but taste it when you add it and just do it the way you like it.  then just thow it in the birds ass and bake the bastard!!!

i love you, sweet one.~Mommy

God Help Us All

The weekend was fun. We went to a cocktail party on Fri. at the house with the prayer room and dance studio your friend used to live in. I took Gramma to the airport for her Thanksgiving trip. I’m worried she is going to get sick. She, on the other hand is worried about the economy and told me last night that if we needed help financially she would give up her apartment and move in with us and pay us rent. Cute, but God help me!

Did I Miss Someone?

so when are you coming home?  Dad has tomorrow off ….he is going to go grocery shopping but you can come whenever and start making rolls – or we can do that tomorrow nite…I’m excited tooo – I love our family – and you and em and jack and dad and jill and papa and harriett, and karen and franco and indira and cairo and vicky and paul and kate and …who else???? did I miss some one – oprah??


Well i have 2 more bookkeeping clients to finish, then i have to go home and make a kranz, clean the floor again, make your bed, cover the presents in my closet, clean my bathroom, and watch your flight online. lol.  kinda like a package arriving.  I WILL BE TRACKING YOU.

Love, Mom