Do You Need Therapy Now?

Backstory: I had been teasing my mom about having a tough childhood, which of course we didn’t, and she gave me way TMI.

Me: Get your panties out of a bunch, I was just kidding!
Mom: Since I met my new man, panties are optional.  yes you did have a great childhood.
Me: Oh wow…
Mom: Do you need therapy now?
Me: Yes

I Remember You Are a Camel

Watched Dr. Oz at the dentist yesterday.  He says to pee often because to hold it stretches the bladder and leads to future problems. Thought I would pass this on as I remember you are a camel.

Love u,

Dad’s Butt Woes

Careful on the stomach. I think you have a virus. Dad is not feeling well either. He has that cyst in his butt cheek again and has to have it lanced by a surgeon on monday if the antibiotics don’t help. Ouch!

Between Two Metal Plates

Calling the doctor has always been a pain. Then when you finally get through she is scheduling appts for at least 4-6 weeks in advance. I just scheduled my first mammo, I do not look forward to that event. I have heard it is painful. The smaller the breast, the more painful as they try to squeeze it between two metal plates. A test designed by men i am sure. Funny how the test for prostrate cancer does not involve squeezing the testicles between two metal plates.


Backstory: My other half helped my dad mix/pour concrete Friday night and all day Saturday.

How did J feel after all that physical labour on Saturday? Dad could hardly move Saturday night, but then of course he was just laying on the couch, so when he did get up to go to the bathroom or whatever he was all stiffened up (well not everywhere, that never happens *sad face* ).

Love Mom xoxoxoxox

Arts and Craps

Mom: Want to come meet me at Hobby Lobby after school?
Me: Yeah but let me come home first to change. Im dressed up for a speech I am giving.
Mom: Good. I’ll meet you at home I need to shit anyway.

Contraceptive Bummer

Mom: did u have your appt yet?
Me: yeah it was yesterday… it was fine
Mom: when will u get the results
Me: i’m not sure…they took a pregnancy test, too
Mom: really? Why?
Me: since i’m about to go on birth control
Mom: what do use now
Me: condoms :)
Mom: oh
Mom: what a mood killer

you know, QUESTIONS

Backstory: Two nights before my wedding mom thinks we need to have “the talk”.

I just want to let you know that if you have any, you know, QUESTIONS, you can ask me anything. Your father isn’t the best lover in the world, so I also know a lot about toys. Let’s get dinner tonight.

Packing List: Birth Control and Sheets

Backstory: I am going on vacation with my boyfriend, and my aunt is letting us use her house since she will be out of the country.

Mom: Did E send you Aunt R’s address?
Me: Yes, I’m so excited! Cheap vacation, woo hoo!!!
Mom: I’m excited for you. Please take your own sheets.
Me: Ummm, ok. Thanks?
Mom: Don’t want any presents left behind…
Me: Eww I get it.
Mom: Also don’t forget your birth control. I love you, but that’s how I got you – forgot to pack bc.
Me: Love you too??

Mom Knows Too Much About Her Plumber


donnie’s son came about 4:30..
he took enough tree roots out of trap to make wigs for 10 bald people!

poor donnie had been in the hospital..they accidentally burned a hole in his colon!
taking polyps out..they ended up taking 12 inches of his colon!

well then i asked for a discount..since it was only in oct he did it..
so he charged 100 bucks instead of 135!

ok..i think i’ll have an icecream cone now..

talk to you both later i hope..

love YOU:)

Good Music to Sex To

Backstory:  My fiance and I spent the weekend at my parent’s lake house, and evidently left behind a CD that I burned for him to listen to in the car, a long while back.
Mom: I found a CD on the bureau in the third bedroom that had “I (heart) you” on it.  Looks like your writing.

Me: Oh.  Sry.  We must have left that by accident.

Mom: Is that your lovemaking cd?

Me: What?  NO!  Did u LISTEN 2 it?

Mom: No, I did not want to think of you and Jason making sweet love on that new mattress that I just bought, tainting it.

Me: MOM!  It’s a CD with rock music on it.  Seether, Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Shinedown, etc.  I highly doubt that we would be hittin’ it to that!

Mom: I have never heard of those bands.  Is that what Denise calls “Kill Your Mother Music”?

Me: Knowing her, probably.

Mom: Well, it could be possible you use it for that.  Some people like rough sex.

Me: OK Mom, that’s enough.  But no, it is not our “lovemaking” CD.

Mom: Ok….I’ll mail it.  Wait!  Does it have any music on it from that Kahnyay person?  A nurse at the hospital was having a fit her daughter was listening to his music?????????  I wanted to hear some.

Me: NO, there is no KANYE West on there.

Mom: Okay, well maybe you should check him out.  He might make some good music to sex to.

Me: Ok, mom.  Enough.

Porridge Will Never Be The Same.

I know it’s too late for this bath but you could use baby oil or mineral oil in the bath as well. Then you don’t come out smelling like porridge. Of course, that would be a “turn on” for your Dad !
More hugs, Mom xoxo
P.S. We watched the inauguration as well. I thought he did well with his speech.

Grandma’s Secret Recipe

Grandma: i really like that apron you got me for Christmas
Me: oh, yeah, no problem, I thought it’d be useful
Grandma: oh sure for when we’re entertaining guests…..or if im just entertaining your grandfather
Me: um…..sounds great


Backstory: While IM-ing about nothing in particular, my mom decided to drop a BTW. I should know by now, his is usually a precursor to a disastrous non sequitur, often of a sexual nature….

Mom: btw
Me: yes…
Mom: we are not fans of the his/hers ky jelly!!
we paid $18
Me: oh wow
Mom: to try it and it sucks
Me: you should email them
Mom: don’t get it
Me: ky i mean
Mom: it’s awful
Me: get a refund
Mom: I will
I know

don’t expect too much from me tonight

Hi Sarah so u want to come home tonite, I am feeling crappy PMSing, sore back and bum probs!  Em says she’ll come get you.  don’t expect too much from me tonight xoxo.

Toe Bruise Update

Hi Kitten. You will be very happy to know that I was picking at my toenails and the swelling under it popped and all this black stuff came out onto the floor. It looks much better now.

The Straight Poop From Mom

here’s what I’ve done so far:
correctol 2 yesterday, one today, or 2, can’t remember. Miralax powder per pharmacist. giant salad, I mean giant with extra veggies and a few beans.
I did jog, but not that far. one enema: just a couple of small poops. This is the end of day 4. Ahhhhhhh! I will try your suggestions tomorrow– a whole watermelon?????? If none tomorrow, then it’s colon cleanse and you know i dread that.

What a Life, Eh??

It will probably come saturday or monday so you can buy monistat external cream if you are uncomfortable in the meantime. Call me if u have any questions.

I am getting the gray out of my hair this morning. This afternoon is my nails.-what a life, eh?? Not to mention all the unpacking laundry around the house. The air conditioner man is coming 8 minutes ago-so he is late. I will wake Dan to let him know to lsiten for him cause I am going to debbie and to get your meds in a few minutes.

Sounds like you and Dan will have a good time-I am happy that you will be together. It is a mother’s dream for her children to like each other, etc. At least it is for me.

Beach house sounds fun. Glad that you are having some extra curriculars  in addition to work.  Well I have to get going so …have a great day and keep in touch.

Love, Mom

Love, Mom