Baby Maker Changes
Daisy just called and was wanting to hear more news. She isn’t on face book. Her sister is here and they are going to the cabin for a week. I keep forgetting to tell you Jeff had his baby maker “fixed”…a couple of weeks ago.
Roombas, How Do They Work?
Backstory: I’m including the part about my cats to show that my mom had NO CONTEXT WHATSOEVER for her comments about roombas.
Me: the cats the caaaats
so cute.
Mom: so sweet.
I don’t understand roomba s
HOW DO THEY WORK??
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THEY WORK?
And don’t just bump around your furniture in a useless way?
are they just a big fucking practical joke??
Me: i don’t think they work
I’m Busy Avoiding Carrots
Backstory: My mom was texting me pointless things so I asked her if she was bored at work. I guess she was. I don’t even understand how this is one coherent text message; she doesn’t really understand punctuation.
I am i am waiting for someone to email me stats so i can count and pull hair out if only it were eyebrow hair i could leave with stats done and better eyebrows the beef jerky made my tummy growl i am avoiding carrots but not gonna buy chips! How’s ur day goin?
Butt Dialing, Septic Tanks, Valentines.
Backstory: More irreverence from my mother who feels that all news must be put in to one email, less than 500 words, telegram style. I don’t even know how to respond to this. Where to begin?
Yesterday we went to the barbershop (Dad’s hair covering collar). While I was sitting there waiting for Dad, the cell phone rang. It was your aunt. She was sitting at Reagan airport and didn’t mean to call me, she said. The barber said that’s called “butt dialing.” Septic Tank people called to say they had an emergency so didn’t come to us-coming this afternoon since ours is not an emergency. This morning I had annual mammo. I am at work but have to leave now that the boys are here. I got an email from your sister-just checking in. That’s nice for a change. Still haven’t got the mouse who gets the peanut butter. My colleague says if I bring in a brand-new trap he will show me how to set it foolproof. He says twist bacon around the trapper. I have got to catch this mouse. The dog had a restless night–lots of snorting and sneezing. SHe finally stopped and went to sleep but I got up and did aerobics. I think that’s all the news. I need L’s USPS address so I can send a Valentine. Ciao.
Drunk Doggy Sympathy
Mom: I think your boss is kinda cute
Me: I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that
Mom: Is he married?
Me: You must be drunk
Mom: Getting there
Me: I’d hope so
Mom: It was a fun group shot. You looked cute in a red-neck sort of way
Me: You’re so awesome
Mom: Pretty much. Just ordered another glass of wine. Stay away from the Iowa State Fair grandstand for crying out loud! And where the hell is Aruba? I forgot to take geography in middle school.
Me: You’re frightening me
Mom: I really don’t know where Aruba is.
Me: I don’t either
Mom: Do you have J’s address? I am sending her a doggie sympathy card.
Me: Can I send it later?
Mom: Can I have the damn address?????
Me: Right now? I’m out eating sushi!
Mom: Never mind I’ll google it. Enjoy the raw fish.
Mom: Got it, thanks for nothing.
Me: Why don’t you take a shot, you’re getting hateful
Mom: Done
New Dress/STD Testing
Hi Honey,
Seems like a while since we chatted, How are you doing. I am really looking forward to seeing you next week. Dad has not booked a hotel yet but we should either get one near the wedding reception or near you.
I ordered a new dress I hope you like it.
Are you taking good care of yourself. Eating right and getting your exercise /That will help you deal with all the ups and downs in life. Also if you had unprotected sex with J. or anyone K. you should always get tested for std’s as many people have them and don’t know.It can cause sterility as well as a host of problems.
love you
mom
Princess Catherine + Stripper Music
Hi again family…
House is on zillow with last years photos, but the virtual tour is current and shows the elephant ear plants. The stripper music is the best choice out of about 30 bad ones. We wanted them to play Here Comes the Sun, but it is copyright protected. Didn’t Princess Catherine look beautiful?!! Great dress.
Love,
Mom
Jumping the Shark with Soft Feet
The phrase “jump the shark” which I didn’t understand in reference to the Grey’s Anatomy bizarre “Glee-ish” singing episode means kind of reaching the tipping point, doing stupid out of character stuff and going down hill from there…originated with Happy Days episode where Fonzi literally water skii-ed over a shark.
If you put shampoo (like I tried Dove with conditioner) on your feet at night, they become lovely and soft.
Mwah.
Leo’s Titanic Secret
Leonardo DiCaprio is a hermaphrodite. He just looks like one of those children that could have gone either way.
Beware of Senor Sock Monkey
Backstory: So, I have this creepy sock monkey that my mom likes to use to scare me whenever she comes over to our house. She hides it in creepy places so I will later find it and be afraid. I recently decided to return the favor by sneaking it into her house and hiding it. This is the email I received after she found it.
Senor Sock Monkey has returned for a visit. He could not stay away. SoMo, as I affectionately call him, likes it here better than there. He told me so. He has also suggested some rather disturbing plans concerning my dear daughter and her significant other. I told him, “No, SoMo, we could not possibly do those types of things, because it would be too scary. No, SoMo, no!” But alas, I fear, SoMo will not listen to me. He does have a mind of his own. For now however, you both are safe for SoMo and I are enjoying our reunion. Ahh, SoMo, my dear, dear companion. No one understands me like Senor S. Monkey.
Beware his return………………
Casualty List: One Bar Refrigerator
Also — When is your next large-item garbage pickup? I managed to stab the bar refrigerator last night, and now it is dead. Would like to bring it over to your alley.
Seriously, Gary
Backstory: Not only does my mom love typing phonetically (see also: “sat-chill” for the far-too-common “satchel”), she has a serious love-hate (well, hate) relationship with MTV “Teen Mom’s” Amber who constantly berates her boyfriend with the stinging, “Seriously Gary.” But, you know, with an accent of some sort.
Checking my gray hairs today, I noticed that there is dye on my scalp in blotchy form. It looks like scabs all over the top of my head! I quickly pulled the hair back up and put my hat on…. happy I packed it my sat-chill. I had no idea it was so noticeable. Looks like I have a head disease – seriously Gear-ree. I’m gonna have to scrub it out somehow off the scalp first before re-dying my hair. It looks permanent!
I Have No Witchy Wart Thingys
yes, but not a piercing on one of those that pop out like a wart. ick
Those are the ones I am talking about. old witchy things
blessing to be thankful for today…..I have no witchy wart thingys…
No one is winning a thing on Price is Right today. :( I have not watched it in a long time and now it is a dud.
We saw a bit of Bachelor last night and he picked the nasty one. Read that on the internet today (didn’t waste
all our time seeing the end).
Sounds like I am tv slumming, doesn’t it? Just me in the trailer and my tv. I need some brew and cheez-whiz, huh?
Have a good afternoon. Love, Mom
Busier Than a 10-Armed Paper Hanger!
I saw you called today! :(—- I missed it! I was busily winning FIRST PLACE in my golf tournament! We’re leaving tomorrow, so I’m busier than a 10-armed Paper hanger!
What’s news with you?
I tried a Cookies and cream drumstick. It had a chocolate cone, rather than a tan one. Got a nice little chunk of chocolate right at the end bite. Very well placed. Wonder if it was on purpose.
Had a mani/pedi/haircut/wax in prepartation of the Big Trip! got all my plants hooked up to the sprinkler system. I’ve just GOT to figure out how to cut down on the plants. By mid summer it is a total hassle. oh well…
so, let me know what’s up with you!
Have I Thanked You Lately for Being Born?
Backstory: I recently filled in my mom about the details of an event from my childhood.
Gawd you’re soooooooooooo..cute….I don’t know…I’d love to claim credit for it…don’t know of anyone in the family with such a memory…besides bob….might be me smoking pot…and you not…you have a wonderful memory..but it’s got to be……….all you…and is it a “photographic” memory? I know the more you “use it” the better it gets..but you started as a “teeny” person doing this……..you’re guess is better ‘n mine…………have I thanked you lately for being born???thanx
Visualization Techniques: Magic Markers Up the Nose
I just read somewhere (blogland) that if you are in a situation where you have to concentrate on talking to people you don’t know well, and you are pretty bored, but you don’t want to let on to them, that you should visualize the types of things that could be easily inserted into their nostrils. Magic markers, jelly beans, coins, erasers, etc. That way, you are looking at them intently, but in reality, you are amusing yourself. You’d be surprised when you start looking at people’s nostrils how different they all are .. some are big, some are little, some are round, some are flat, some are easily accessed …
I’m just saying … in case you’re ever in that kind of situation …
Boys, TV and Sheets
boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!
that was on a funny tv show just now…..
just wanted you to know that i found your purple sheets
they were in one of the bags labeld blue sheets
Love, Mom
Scared the Hibby Gibbies Out of Him!
P.S. Do you want to hear something funny…funny….as hell! While I was taking a shower last night, feeling great under the warm water and thinking good thoughts about my mom. I heard the thumping of someone running up the stairs and being loud…like talking to me. Now I’m thinking this fool done lost his mind. It was only the two of us in the house…anyway I heard him saying something like “why…who turned the music on so loud?!!” Now I’m in the shower and have been for more than 10-15 minutes.
The IPod was downstairs on the bar as usual which I hadn’t played all week. Well something or someone turned the music on, scared the hibby…gibbies out of him…ha…ha…ha..haaaaaaaaahaha. I laughed so hard . it was a good thing I was in the shower already (you know what I mean…) it was hilarious.
And…And…And
Your momma needs help!! Need a four letter word for H.H. Munro’s pen name. Do you know this?? Love you to the moon and back twice!! And you never told me about the Craig’s List Killer. And did you run in the Boston Marathon yesterday?? Love, Momma
