Backstory: Not only does my mom love typing phonetically (see also: “sat-chill” for the far-too-common “satchel”), she has a serious love-hate (well, hate) relationship with MTV “Teen Mom’s” Amber who constantly berates her boyfriend with the stinging, “Seriously Gary.” But, you know, with an accent of some sort.

Checking my gray hairs today, I noticed that there is dye on my scalp in blotchy form.  It looks like scabs all over the top of my head!  I quickly pulled the hair back up and put my hat on….  happy I packed it my sat-chill.  I had no idea it was so noticeable.  Looks like I have a head disease – seriously Gear-ree.  I’m gonna have to scrub it out somehow off the scalp first before re-dying my hair.  It looks permanent!

yes, but not a piercing on one of those that pop out like a wart. ick
Those are the ones I am talking about. old witchy things
blessing to be thankful for today…..I have no witchy wart thingys…

No one is winning a thing on Price is Right today. :(  I have not watched it in a long time and now it is a dud.

We saw a bit of Bachelor last night and he picked the nasty one. Read that on the internet today (didn’t waste
all our time seeing the end).

Sounds like I am tv slumming, doesn’t it? Just me in the trailer and my tv. I need some brew and cheez-whiz, huh?

Have a good afternoon. Love, Mom

I saw you called today! :(—- I missed it! I was busily winning FIRST PLACE in my golf tournament! We’re leaving tomorrow, so I’m busier than a 10-armed Paper hanger!
What’s news with you?
I tried a Cookies and cream drumstick. It had a chocolate cone, rather than a tan one. Got a nice little chunk of chocolate right at the end bite. Very well placed. Wonder if it was on purpose.

Had a mani/pedi/haircut/wax in prepartation of the Big Trip! got all my plants hooked up to the sprinkler system. I’ve just GOT to figure out how to cut down on the plants. By mid summer it is a total hassle. oh well…
so, let me know what’s up with you!

Backstory: I recently filled in my mom about the details of an event from my childhood.

Gawd you’re soooooooooooo..cute….I don’t know…I’d love to claim credit for it…don’t know of anyone in the family with such a memory…besides bob….might be me smoking pot…and you not…you have a wonderful memory..but it’s got to be……….all you…and is it a “photographic” memory? I know the more you “use it” the better it gets..but you started as a “teeny” person doing this……..you’re guess is better ‘n mine…………have I thanked you lately for being born???thanx

I just read somewhere (blogland) that if you are in a situation where you have to concentrate on talking to people you don’t know well, and you are pretty bored, but you don’t want to let on to them, that you should visualize the types of things that could be easily inserted into their nostrils. Magic markers, jelly beans, coins, erasers, etc. That way, you are looking at them intently, but in reality, you are amusing yourself. You’d be surprised when you start looking at people’s nostrils how different they all are .. some are big, some are little, some are round, some are flat, some are easily accessed …

I’m just saying … in case you’re ever in that kind of situation …

boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!
that was on a funny tv show just now…..
just wanted you to know that i found your purple sheets
they were in one of the bags labeld blue sheets
Love, Mom

P.S. Do you want to hear something funny…funny….as hell! While I was taking a shower last night, feeling great under the warm water and thinking good thoughts about my mom. I heard the thumping of someone running up the stairs and being loud…like talking to me. Now I’m thinking this fool done lost his mind. It was only the two of us in the house…anyway I heard him saying something like “why…who turned the music on so loud?!!” Now I’m in the shower and have been for more than 10-15 minutes.
The IPod was downstairs on the bar as usual which I hadn’t played all week. Well something or someone turned the music on, scared the hibby…gibbies out of him…ha…ha…ha..haaaaaaaaahaha. I laughed so hard . it was a good thing I was in the shower already (you know what I mean…) it was hilarious.

Your momma needs help!! Need a four letter word for H.H. Munro’s pen name. Do you know this?? Love you to the moon and back twice!! And you never told me about the Craig’s List Killer. And did you run in the Boston Marathon yesterday?? Love, Momma

Backstory: This was my mom’s response upon viewing a painting I am working on….

Interesting picture. I’m guessing it’s a paraplegic drowning…

hi from mexico got a great honeymoon suite upgrade because i complain balcony ocean view sleek everything big flat screen tv hbo the works i am away and still tv makes me happy it is hot hot hot we are going swimming with the dolphins massage and facials cheap not because i complained but another hotel wants us to spend 1hour and we can eat all day and do all of the above for 50.oo total email me also have wireless in room ..earthquake in italy farrah cancer spread to liver we have hbo and cnn and e all in english keep me informed let me know about dancing with stars poor farrah

You are the first person to receive an email from me…ever. Not really, I sent one at the book warehouse for Jake before. You are the first nonbusiness to receive an email from me. Always remember, polka dots are the nonedible limes of life. MOM

Hey lil I sense a transition coming up…..we know how good we are with those….you K? love you miss you gotta go oatmeal is burning. hey it didn’t send. Oatmeal disaster averted. Dad says “BLAH BLAH BLAH hi, I love you lil” I just wrote the important stuff. Now. I’ve scorched the oatmeal. I was up late last night counting my blessings (at the risk of sounding like a douche) somewhere around toilet paper I fell asleep. I woke up wondering why I get in my own way so much of the time. The only thing I can think of is… I am a douche. Sorry about so much douche but it makes me smile every time I type it. douche douche douche she typed laughing like an idiot. In short don’t be a douche like your mom. AND if for some reason your feeling down or doubtful or numb type douche it works for me. Well that is enough motherly wisdom for one email. now it’s time to eat my now cold oatmeal. love ya doll mom

This is a personal question…..Have you ever experienced wet gas passing?

Love, momma

I am a paranoid nut, I admit.  But I want a Time Life oldies/goodies collection off of the TV.  But law enforcement says don’t order off of TV  infomercials as the orders are taken by state prison inmates.  How can I get these without having to give up my info to crooks?  What would I do without you?  Thank you for being so much smarter than I am???  And for being so tolerant of a looney mom?

Thank you, my beautiful baby, my favorite lawyer, my pride, my only reason for living up until now (I don’t know about when you have kids).

Thanks for helping me with my legal issue, don’t leave me ALONE, please

Thank your husband, take care of yourselves and love each other .

When is Ali’s wedding??

Ciao

We have not spoken in quite awhile. How are you and David? Bob & Linda had their first snowstorm today! Auntie Bee has lost 14 lbs. since her visit with me. I am so proud of her. I hope she keeps it up. Cubby went to the groomers down Newport last week. Not only did he get cleaned, but he got a dislocated hip also. Poor dog! He has had such bad luck. He had surgery this past Friday. Mike & Judy are hoping to collect all fees from the groomers. So far they have offered $750 and they wanted Dan to sign a release form for any additional negligence. He did not take the money nor did he sign the papers. Your sister went to Rocky Point Mexico this past weekend, she loved it. What is new with you?
Love Always Mom
Can’t wait for you to come