Postcards From Yo Momma » totally random

Butt Dialing, Septic Tanks, Valentines.

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 16:00:29 +0000

Backstory: More irreverence from my mother who feels that all news must be put in to one email, less than 500 words, telegram style. I don’t even know how to respond to this. Where to begin?

Yesterday we went to the barbershop (Dad’s hair covering collar). While I was sitting there waiting for Dad, the cell phone rang. It was your aunt. She was sitting at Reagan airport and didn’t mean to call me, she said. The barber said that’s called “butt dialing.” Septic Tank people called to say they had an emergency so didn’t come to us-coming this afternoon since ours is not an emergency. This morning I had annual mammo. I am at work but have to leave now that the boys are here. I got an email from your sister-just checking in. That’s nice for a change. Still haven’t got the mouse who gets the peanut butter. My colleague says if I bring in a brand-new trap he will show me how to set it foolproof. He says twist bacon around the trapper. I have got to catch this mouse. The dog had a restless night–lots of snorting and sneezing. SHe finally stopped and went to sleep but I got up and did aerobics. I think that’s all the news. I need L’s USPS address so I can send a Valentine. Ciao.

Drunk Doggy Sympathy

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 15:00:03 +0000

Mom: I think your boss is kinda cute
Me: I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that
Mom: Is he married?
Me: You must be drunk
Mom: Getting there
Me: I’d hope so
Mom: It was a fun group shot. You looked cute in a red-neck sort of way
Me: You’re so awesome
Mom: Pretty much. Just ordered another glass of wine. Stay away from the Iowa State Fair grandstand for crying out loud! And where the hell is Aruba? I forgot to take geography in middle school.
Me: You’re frightening me
Mom: I really don’t know where Aruba is.
Me: I don’t either
Mom: Do you have J’s address? I am sending her a doggie sympathy card.
Me: Can I send it later?
Mom: Can I have the damn address?????
Me: Right now? I’m out eating sushi!
Mom: Never mind I’ll google it. Enjoy the raw fish.
Mom: Got it, thanks for nothing.
Me: Why don’t you take a shot, you’re getting hateful
Mom: Done

New Dress/STD Testing

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 15:00:02 +0000

Hi Honey,

Seems like a while since we chatted, How are you doing. I am really looking forward to seeing you next week. Dad has not booked a hotel yet but we should either get one near the wedding reception or near you.

I ordered a new dress I hope you like it.

Are you taking good care of yourself. Eating right and getting your exercise /That will help you deal with all the ups and downs in life. Also if you had unprotected sex with J. or anyone K. you should always get tested for std’s as many people have them and don’t know.It can cause sterility as well as a host of problems.

love you

mom

Princess Catherine + Stripper Music

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 02 May 2011 15:01:33 +0000

Hi again family…
House is on zillow with last years photos, but the virtual tour is current and shows the elephant ear plants. The stripper music is the best choice out of about 30 bad ones. We wanted them to play Here Comes the Sun, but it is copyright protected. Didn’t Princess Catherine look beautiful?!! Great dress.
Love,
Mom

Jumping the Shark with Soft Feet

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 15:00:14 +0000

The phrase “jump the shark” which I didn’t understand in reference to the Grey’s Anatomy bizarre “Glee-ish” singing episode means kind of reaching the tipping point, doing stupid out of character stuff and going down hill from there…originated with Happy Days episode where Fonzi literally water skii-ed over a shark.

If you put shampoo (like I tried Dove with conditioner) on your feet at night, they become lovely and soft.

Mwah.

Leo’s Titanic Secret

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 01:45:55 +0000

Leonardo DiCaprio is a hermaphrodite. He just looks like one of those children that could have gone either way.

Beware of Senor Sock Monkey

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 16:00:34 +0000

Backstory: So, I have this creepy sock monkey that my mom likes to use to scare me whenever she comes over to our house. She hides it in creepy places so I will later find it and be afraid. I recently decided to return the favor by sneaking it into her house and hiding it. This is the email I received after she found it.

Senor Sock Monkey has returned for a visit. He could not stay away. SoMo, as I affectionately call him, likes it here better than there. He told me so. He has also suggested some rather disturbing plans concerning my dear daughter and her significant other. I told him, “No, SoMo, we could not possibly do those types of things, because it would be too scary. No, SoMo, no!” But alas, I fear, SoMo will not listen to me. He does have a mind of his own. For now however, you both are safe for SoMo and I are enjoying our reunion. Ahh, SoMo, my dear, dear companion. No one understands me like Senor S. Monkey.

Beware his return………………

Casualty List: One Bar Refrigerator

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 14:10:07 +0000

Also — When is your next large-item garbage pickup? I managed to stab the bar refrigerator last night, and now it is dead. Would like to bring it over to your alley.

Seriously, Gary

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:30:48 +0000

Backstory: Not only does my mom love typing phonetically (see also: “sat-chill” for the far-too-common “satchel”), she has a serious love-hate (well, hate) relationship with MTV “Teen Mom’s” Amber who constantly berates her boyfriend with the stinging, “Seriously Gary.” But, you know, with an accent of some sort.

Checking my gray hairs today, I noticed that there is dye on my scalp in blotchy form. It looks like scabs all over the top of my head! I quickly pulled the hair back up and put my hat on…. happy I packed it my sat-chill. I had no idea it was so noticeable. Looks like I have a head disease – seriously Gear-ree. I’m gonna have to scrub it out somehow off the scalp first before re-dying my hair. It looks permanent!

I Have No Witchy Wart Thingys

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 18:30:00 +0000

yes, but not a piercing on one of those that pop out like a wart. ick
Those are the ones I am talking about. old witchy things
blessing to be thankful for today…..I have no witchy wart thingys…

No one is winning a thing on Price is Right today. :( I have not watched it in a long time and now it is a dud.

We saw a bit of Bachelor last night and he picked the nasty one. Read that on the internet today (didn’t waste
all our time seeing the end).

Sounds like I am tv slumming, doesn’t it? Just me in the trailer and my tv. I need some brew and cheez-whiz, huh?

Have a good afternoon. Love, Mom

Question about armadillos

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:30:37 +0000

Backstory: There is no backstory. I have no idea where this came from.

Is it against a law to hit them with a bat? I can’t tell if they are on the ‘threatened species’ list or not.

Busier Than a 10-Armed Paper Hanger!

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 13:30:40 +0000

I saw you called today! :(—- I missed it! I was busily winning FIRST PLACE in my golf tournament! We’re leaving tomorrow, so I’m busier than a 10-armed Paper hanger!
What’s news with you?
I tried a Cookies and cream drumstick. It had a chocolate cone, rather than a tan one. Got a nice little chunk of chocolate right at the end bite. Very well placed. Wonder if it was on purpose.

Had a mani/pedi/haircut/wax in prepartation of the Big Trip! got all my plants hooked up to the sprinkler system. I’ve just GOT to figure out how to cut down on the plants. By mid summer it is a total hassle. oh well…
so, let me know what’s up with you!

Have I Thanked You Lately for Being Born?

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 17:30:01 +0000

Backstory: I recently filled in my mom about the details of an event from my childhood.

Gawd you’re soooooooooooo..cute….I don’t know…I’d love to claim credit for it…don’t know of anyone in the family with such a memory…besides bob….might be me smoking pot…and you not…you have a wonderful memory..but it’s got to be……….all you…and is it a “photographic” memory? I know the more you “use it” the better it gets..but you started as a “teeny” person doing this……..you’re guess is better ‘n mine…………have I thanked you lately for being born???thanx

Visualization Techniques: Magic Markers Up the Nose

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 13:23:03 +0000

I just read somewhere (blogland) that if you are in a situation where you have to concentrate on talking to people you don’t know well, and you are pretty bored, but you don’t want to let on to them, that you should visualize the types of things that could be easily inserted into their nostrils. Magic markers, jelly beans, coins, erasers, etc. That way, you are looking at them intently, but in reality, you are amusing yourself. You’d be surprised when you start looking at people’s nostrils how different they all are .. some are big, some are little, some are round, some are flat, some are easily accessed …

I’m just saying … in case you’re ever in that kind of situation …

Boys, TV and Sheets

Postcards From Yo Momma — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 16:30:24 +0000

boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!
that was on a funny tv show just now…..
just wanted you to know that i found your purple sheets
they were in one of the bags labeld blue sheets
Love, Mom

Scared the Hibby Gibbies Out of Him!

Postcards From Yo Momma — Sun, 17 May 2009 13:38:43 +0000

P.S. Do you want to hear something funny…funny….as hell! While I was taking a shower last night, feeling great under the warm water and thinking good thoughts about my mom. I heard the thumping of someone running up the stairs and being loud…like talking to me. Now I’m thinking this fool done lost his mind. It was only the two of us in the house…anyway I heard him saying something like “why…who turned the music on so loud?!!” Now I’m in the shower and have been for more than 10-15 minutes.
The IPod was downstairs on the bar as usual which I hadn’t played all week. Well something or someone turned the music on, scared the hibby…gibbies out of him…ha…ha…ha..haaaaaaaaahaha. I laughed so hard . it was a good thing I was in the shower already (you know what I mean…) it was hilarious.

And…And…And

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 15:30:28 +0000

Your momma needs help!! Need a four letter word for H.H. Munro’s pen name. Do you know this?? Love you to the moon and back twice!! And you never told me about the Craig’s List Killer. And did you run in the Boston Marathon yesterday?? Love, Momma

Subject to Interpretation

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:11:59 +0000

Backstory: This was my mom’s response upon viewing a painting I am working on….

Interesting picture. I’m guessing it’s a paraplegic drowning…

Random Travel News

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:54:34 +0000

hi from mexico got a great honeymoon suite upgrade because i complain balcony ocean view sleek everything big flat screen tv hbo the works i am away and still tv makes me happy it is hot hot hot we are going swimming with the dolphins massage and facials cheap not because i complained but another hotel wants us to spend 1hour and we can eat all day and do all of the above for 50.oo total email me also have wireless in room ..earthquake in italy farrah cancer spread to liver we have hbo and cnn and e all in english keep me informed let me know about dancing with stars poor farrah

Mom the Neighborhood Color Nazi

Postcards From Yo Momma — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 13:03:33 +0000

Mom: I am so excited I can defeat the evil green! I will now take on the whole neighborhood and send letters to all those that did not comply and have them repaint their houses before they can sell them. I am the neighborhood color Nazi!
me: … and we wonder why I’m a dork.
Mom: I KNOW YOU ARE!