Your Father is a Papa Poulet

Backstory: Mom was on a business trip in Europe.

I am ready to go home.  Your statue of Liberty made me homesick for American soil.

Too much socializing with 30 year old Europeans for me. They can drink all night, get 5 hours of sleep and still function at meetings the next day.  Last night, however, I sat with the French contingent to practice la langue (quel horreur) and one woman was describing her husband as “papa poulet”.  I asked her what it means and it is father hen.  Don’t you love that?  They don’t have an expression like we do for “mother hen” so it is funny that they have one for daddies.  However, I think your father is a papa poulet extraordinaire.

Just thought I would add to your vocabulary.

Bon weekend.

Mama (Poulet)

TSA Fashion Show

Me: Just wanted to let you know that my company is flying me to Chicago on Friday
Mom: Don’t forget to wear nice underwear for your scan :)

Travel Worries: Random Drugs

Backstory: Mum checking up on me on a 4 1/2 hr drive home.

Mum: Are you home yet?
Me: No, stopped in Bathurst by the police
Mum: What for?
Me: Random drugs test
Mum: I told you not to take random drugs!

Packing Instructions

Backstory: My parents, brother and grandparents have been planning this trip to go whitewater rafting.  A few days before the trip, my mom sends my brother and I this reminder.

Please don’t forget to bring sneakers. And underwear. For tennis. PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT sincerely- Mom

The Happy Hooker?

Backstory: I’m abroad for the semester and am trying to plan travel for my spring break.

Mom: where are you trying to go?
Me: um, definitely Ireland and Paris, and I’d like to go somewhere in Belgium, I’ve heard it’s amazing.
Me: And I would like to take advantage of the hookers and pot in Amsterdam, of course.
Mom: BE a hooker in Amsterdam — aim high!!

Quintessential Mom Advice

I think you should visit Europe in the Spring.  They have lousy weather in the winter.  I also think you should try to have a baby.  Love Mom

Travel Plans Thwarted

Me: hi mom
Me: guess what
Mom: what?
Me: i can go from new york to warsaw for $621
Mom: oh boy
Me: i know
Me: in january
Mom: you have a dentist appt in january

Young woman should not drive long distance on highway alone!

Backstory: I e-mailed my mom to tell her I’d be driving 4.5 hours alone to another state because my boyfriend can’t go anymore. I’m 24.

we’ll buy you a plane ticket!
I gotta get off the computer!
Oh no!
panic attack
young woman should not drive long distance on highway alone!
alert alert!
danger danger!
buddy! paqrtner!
call [dad]!
[dad] will hep!
danger danger
alert alert!

The Truth Behind Dad’s Itinerary

Backstory: I’m in Spain for a semester abroad and Dad is coming for a visit.

Mom: Daddy flew home last night and spent the night in CT, then left this afternoon for the airport.  He is excited about your weekend together.  Heard that he rented a car.  If my memory is correct, the roads in Spain between Madrid and Grenada can be steep and twisty so if anyone tends to get carsick they should sit in the front.  He has your stuff (I hope) but I don’t see it anywhere around the house so that’s a good sign!  Love, the Mama

Me: I was a bit curious why his itinerary showed him flying out of JFK.  So he just came home for a day?

Mom: Quite frankly, your father came home for a booty call.

No Bam-Bam Allowed

Thanks for the info.  I particularly like the “luxury coach with a bathroom” – yippee!!
Call me before you leave if you get a chance – if not I’ll check in with you over the weekend.
This sounds like so much fun.
Now the mother-announcement again – have fun, be careful, no going off with the natives, stay with people from the group, no bam-bam, probably only bottled water and bring pepto-bismol tablets!!!

love you – mom

Now That You’re a Loose Woman

Backstory: I spent a year backpacking and I called my mum all excited about a great guy I met. This was part of her response.

I had a dream last night about you and babies! Which prompts me to STRESS that now that you are a Loose Woman you absolutely don’t want, or should I say I don’t want you to become a surprised statistic. You know the ones that never think it can happen to them and then finds themselves pregnant. In this day and age there is no reason for that to happen.

I think it would be a good time to get onto the pill, and the added benefit is that your periods become less! Yippee! A good effect.

How to Save Money in Italy

Backstory: My brother Frank took our very fit and youthful 75 year-old mother to Italy for ten days… and found ways to stretch every dollar they spent!

Mom: We had a double room in Rome but we would have had to pay twice as much for two people to stay in it so Frank smuggled me in.

Me: He WHAT?

Mom: We never entered or left the hotel together. I would just pretend to be visiting another guest.

Me: Oh my God!

Mom: And to get a buffet meal you had to buy a token at reception and then present it in the restaurant. So I would really fill my plate and then Frank would slip into the restaurant and eat off it too. (Laughs).

Me: I’m just glad i didn’t have to call our embassy to bail you both out of jail!

Greetings from the Land of Guiltopolis

Time is flying past. Before we know it we will be home with smiles on our faces and many wonderful memories to keeps us satisfied over the winter. We have many new friends to stay in touch with and will hopefully see again.

Speaking of staying in touch, that’s a great idea. Why don’t you try it

How to Fit a Bra, Via Warsaw

Backstory: My family is Polish and my mom is currently spending a few months in Warsaw. We email back and forth daily, and the above email came just the other day with the word “cyce” (boobs, in Polish) in the subject heading. I translated this little jewel from Polish for your reading pleasure.

I watched a program about how to select bras. A bra should be sufficiently tight around your bust such that the side panels and metal supports fall under your armpits and don’t bisect your breast, creating folds under your armpits (those folds that frazzle us in dressing rooms). When you put a bra on you should use your hand to scoop up all the excess skin from under your armpits and into the cup of the bra (this is our “lost” bust). Boobs become a size larger and the folds under your armpits disappear. I checked, and all my bras are now too small.

Contact Lens “Solution”

So, after we left you on Friday night, back at the campground I realized I had forgotten to bring along my contact lens case,  No problem, because teaspoons will substitute nicely, in an Emergency.  Unfortunately, Dad had cereal for breakfast, and ate my left lens.  He’s such a fun, alert guy to hang out with!

Who Needs to Smell Anyway?

Backstory: I sent my mom a travel itinerary and got this reply.  She looooooves Zicam but the FDA just advised people to stop using it at risk of losing your sense of smell.

Thanks honey! WOW what fun! Take the Zicam with you anyway (damn the FDA). Grab it TONITE while you can get it!!! LOVE YOU SO MUCH – Mommy xxxxxxxooooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooooooxxxxxxxx

Amsterdam Antics

Hi all,

film ourselves every 10 minuetes, it shoud be quite funny.  well i will email again.

hope all is well, we are having a great time thus far.

we love you all

Courier Possums

Backstory: We live in Texas and my mom is going to visit a friend in Alabama. This is the first time she will be traveling with a cell phone.

How are you? I had fun witchu yesterday. I will miss you for 11 days, but you can still text me. If you want to. Or call. I think they have phone service in Alabama. Or do they? Send me a message by courier possum!!
Love MOM

If You’re Going to San Francisco…

Backstory: My mom and stepdad went to California for their anniversary and trusted my stoner stepbrother to show them around.

going to san fran today
fucking hippies are dirty …in the woods with Pot….cold..doing the tor thing today

Everything’s Over the Counter in Europe!

Backstory: My mom has been traveling (aka eating and drinking her way) around Europe with her boyfriend, and this was the last entry on her travel blog.

PS Did you know you can buy Botox over the counter here? Wonder if the syringes would set off any alarms at the airport? Now if they just had a home kit for liposuction. I would really be in business!

Love, Mom