The Whiskers from Grandma’s Mole

Backstory: I recently canceled my cable service and have been having a bit of withdraw, so my mother has been sending me synopses of bad shows to make me feel better.

While I was channel surfing this evening, I switched to the new show Alas ka Mounted.  A taxidermist was working on the whiskers of a lion (I have no idea why a taxidermist was working on a lion in Alaska), but he ran out of thread to make the fake whiskers.  He looked at the camera and said, “the last time I needed whiskers, I just took them off Grandma’s mole.”  I changed the channel immediately.

“Sex and Defenders”

Mom: I’ve been getting into law shows lately.
Me: Which ones?
Mom: Sex and Defenders.
Me: ….what? Is that like some kind of warped Judge Judy?
Mom: No, they investigate sex crimes.  And they go to court a lot.  There are two separate groups.
Me:…you mean Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?!
Mom: No.  Every episode begins with a “dun dun.”
Me: Yeah, that’s Law & Order.  Here’s a youtube link of the opening.
Mom: Ok, that’s the one.

Fertility Abounds!

Good Heavens! Watching Marathon of Secret Life of American Teenager! sex sex sex! fertility abounds! Please don’t have a baby!!
Love mom

Is Lost a Remake?

1956 movie: survivors of plane crash in s american jungle w head hunters. one left with all guns and tools.  but this time two beautiful women keep on tight skirts and stilettos have cat fight in water.  only change is then sexier! oh and bad guys  are all brown and steal white blonde little boy. just like Lost now on tv! love you.

Twits and Lollipops

Good comment on television just now, I caught a bit of a programme about children who are made ill by what their parents do, ie, smoking etc. One mother of a small boy who was about to have nine baby teeth out because he ate five lollipops a day and had a bottle at night said in tears ‘I feel like it is my fault’! Of course it is, you stupid twit.

After that short rant, lots of love to you both
Mum xxxx

Dreaming in “Mad Men”

Mom: You sounded awful this morning
Me: i had a horrible dream last night
Mom: So did I
Me: i had a dream you were cheating on dad with roger sterling from “mad men”
Mom: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom: Don’t tell Dad!
Mom: you mistook me for Joan
Mom: I should be so lucky

Mom’s Dope Style

Do you know the hood word “dope,” as for example “he’s dope,” meaning “he’s the the greatest”? Saw Randy Jackson on Joy Behar last night and he was using it. I like it. I’m going to pepper some of my conversations with it.

I give it 3 weeks

I watched a real crappy show last night called Mercy. It was about nurses who are portrayed as sluts and know-it-alls. The acting was awful. I give it 3 weeks. The fall line-up sucks.

Michael Jackson Funeral: The Analysis

Backstory: My mom is secretly obsessed with Michael Jackson and also is fascinated by twitter but refuses to get one because she doesn’t know what she would tweet about.

Mom: I’m watching the Michelle Jackson memorial on tv. It’s very nice but also sad.

Me: oh I’m in class I can’t watch it

mom: Im sure they will replay it. I keep remembering the teenaged mj. He was so cute, but had so many issues.

Me: are the perormances good?

Mom: They have been very nice. Lionel richey and marìah carey were both near tears. I wasn.t sure if they could finish. It has had several songs about jesus.

Mom: His little girl just said he was the best daddy ever. Special on him tonight on abc. I wont bother you anymore.

Me: no I like your updates.

Mom: just like Twitter!

Worshiping at the Electronic Altar

Mom: Guess how your dad fixed the TV while I was out of town this weekend.
Me: He bought a new one.
Mom: Predictable, isn’t he?
Me: I CALL THE OLD ONE! Predictable aren’t I?
Mom: I thought you might. Wait to see if he gets the old one fixed.
Me: Why is he getting it fixed if he bought a new one?
Mom: Sweetie. I mean really. It may have something to do with the mating call of the sonybird and the samsung warbler…sort of like the automotiveology religion.  Your dad worships at many alters, many of them being electronic.

The Tudors, A Soap Opera

me: There’s a new exhibit of pictures of Henry VIII and wives at LACMA
Mom: oh – he looks NOTHING like Jonathan Rhys Meyers!
And we’re feeling so sad right now about poor Anne of Cleves…. She didn’t stand a chance… (That’s how the last season ended. At least she lived!)
me: I am so behind!
He hasn’t even divorced Catherine
Mom: OMG – get with it, girl!

…but I love the dog more.

Next time we are all watching TV together, make room for the dog! Poor Duke was searching for a place to sit and you couldn’t spare a few inches. I hope you’ll reconsider your selfish personality. He’s a dog!
Love ya, Mom

Grey’s Anatomy Blues

Backstory: My mother and I had confessed to each other the wee before that we both watch Grey’s Anatomy.

I did not raise you to watch soap operas and get all sappy about their pseudo feelings. Don’t blame me. However, they certainly can hit some nerves. I never have gotten over high school. M

Dye Job

mom: Have you seen that show “The Doctors”?

me: yes.

mom: Tt’s very informative.  I really love it.
Did you know your can dye your p*ssy hair??

me: WHAT!?  MOM!!!

mom: I KNOW, I was so surprised!  But you have to use a special dye.

Miss USA Broo Ha Ha

Have you heard the broo ha ha @ Miss CA’s answer to the gay marriage Q? If not Google it. I thought the judge(gay) that asked the Q seemed reasonable on Larry King last night but apparently sounded like an idiot when he called her a dumb blonde on his blog. Somebody Hilton is his name. She said I was raised to believe in only a man & woman… no offense to anyone. Miss NC won and some think that Q cost Miss CA the title.

Future Husbands from the Past

mom: hi mijaa
me: hi
mom: you know the mexican guy.. tall handsome (the new guy) on extreme makeover?
he went to my high school i think
me: really???
mom: found him on facebook
me: no way hahahahaha add him
mom: hes 4 years younger
im gonna look him up
i think its fate hes my future husband even though i think hes gay!

Mom’s Thoughts on the Bachelor Finale

me: Did you see the Bachelor last night?

mom: Yep, i think he is an ass now
wishy washy fish lipped girlie boy

Jewish Momma Discovers the Bachelor

I’m watching episode 7 and am not sure what is going on.  He is just so darn cute.  He is involved with all of them and has to choose 1 to marry?  What a stupid show!  Is he a member of the tribe?!  what does he do for a living?

Creative Christmas Tree Removal

Dad wanted to set up the new tv…which is pretty cool.  Anyway, in his hurry to get rid of the tree, after he removed the lights, he opened the back door and threw it out.  We look so ghetto!

Also, I’m trying to talk Dana into talking her friend into putting the old tv in the back of her pickup truck with the hope being that someone will steal it.  Sadly, both Dana and Dad don’t want to do it.  Mom

Dad Embraces Desperate Housewives

Who killed Mary Alice? What & why did her husband put what he did in that box & dump it in the river? We both saw two shows-episode 3&4. Dad wants answers!

Love, Mom