Shiny Happy People, Looking for Jobs

Backstory: Like every other college grad, I’m looking for a job.  Thank goodness Mom is there to reassure me of my most important skills.

Hi Sweetie – it doesn’t look like the MediSpa job is posted on Monster or JobNoggin so that’s great news.   The more narrow the circulation the better.

I did see that Noodles is looking for happy “shiny” people.  You are the poster child for shiny. :)

Love you


How to Cross the Street

Please be careful on the streets of Toronto, too many accidents lately. Remember to cross at the crosswalks, preferably with a group of fat people on either side of you.

Attraction 101

Backstory: I had e-mailed my mom a friend’s wedding website, which tells the story of how she and her fiance met, and that they were instantly attracted to each other.

Did you read that he was attracted to her at first sight?  That’s why I tell you to always wear makeup and look good when you go anywhere.  Guys notice your looks first.  If you don’t look good they won’t give you a second look.  That’s how your father noticed me.  I was walking down the street with my girlfriend and he said I looked hot.

They’re Not in Bands

There are PLENTY of nice young men out there who will love you. But will you love THEM? N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! They’re too boring. They’re too emotionally mature. Ditto to being too stable. They’re not in bands. They’re too rich. They’re not psychopaths! They only want to adore one person-YOU-for the rest of your life. Oy! Where are the Tums?

Don’t Jump the Crazy Gun

Backstory: I told my mom I have a crush on a boy.

He looks interesting and sounds terribly serious minded and a good soul.

Advice alert — do not tell him all the crazy things you’ve done until you get a ring & do not make out in a serious way until a few dates down the road, so to speak.

The Secrets of Egg Donation

Backstory: My mother is a medical doctor.

I found an excellent site to read about egg donation.  After reading it, I STRONGLY advise NOT doing it, even though it is better than prostitution.

The site is:


‘Stache Advice

There is a new drug on the market called Vaniqa.  It is a cream.  It gets rid of facial hair.  You need a prescription.  You should look it up before you go to the dermatologist.

Bryant Park, Land of Opportunity

Today I was at a luncheon and the speaker was a man named Dan B—– who has done lots of urban space development….particularly in NYC – and he spoke a lot about Bryant Park – you need to hang out there more!!! Over 5000 people have met their spouses there! They have such wonderful activities – check it out!!

Definition of a Spinster

Backstory: I am having trouble with my boyfriend and accidentally told my mother…

Well yes – men do have a penchant to be ****holes – it’s in their genes.
Believe me – no man is allergic to marriage unless they are gay – and even then.
Marriage is not obligatory these days people happily live together for eternities without being shackled except that you are English and he is American – savvy? to coin a very nice! carribbean pirate’s phrase – as you can guess I have been watching sky movies!!
Anyway, like I say play it cool and hard to get – a bit of flirting does wonders (but be very very careful who you flirt with), as does a complete make-over on the glam stakes (but wait until I get there and we can do it together!)
One has to be very wiley when it comes to men. Are you still coming home for Imogen’s wedding – why don’t you suggest that ********* comes with you – for Devilment? You are already a spinster – being single and all.
Definition – unmarried, single, spinster of the parish etc. and so forth.

Tee hee Tee hee

Mum >< >< ><

Put Him Out to Pasture

I’m sorry about the boy drama. You need to put him out to pasture. If he said he wanted to be with you, how could you ever trust him? And what kind of man is he to be so disrespectful to you so many times. Of course he keeps coming around because you are beautiful, wonderful, smart…, but he isn’t good enough. Would your Dad ever treat a woman like that?!!
Oopps, I forgot to ask if you wanted my input on the subject! :)
I love you doll, and will say prayers for you to be strong and get your work done. I love you doll.

All Mothers are Protective of Their Offspring

Sorry for being so blunt.  I certainly don’t want to hurt your feelings, I just don’t think you are taking care of yourself, i.e. putting your best foot forward.  And unfortunately for me, you may really dislike me for taking the liberty, but consider any mother – unless it is a reptile mother – who eat their young – all mothers are protective of their offspring.  I would not have taken the liberty, if I didn’t think you were in jeopardy.  You are shooting yourself in the foot.  Especially if that smoke I’ve been smelling on you isn’t cigarette smoke.   Maybe you should consider what is really bothering you.  Is it really your hair?

Love, Mom