Butt Dialing, Septic Tanks, Valentines.

Backstory: More irreverence from my mother who feels that all news must be put in to one email, less than 500 words, telegram style.  I don’t even know how to respond to this.  Where to begin?

Yesterday we went to the barbershop (Dad’s hair covering collar). While I was sitting there waiting for Dad, the cell phone rang. It was your aunt. She was sitting at Reagan airport and didn’t mean to call me, she said. The barber said that’s called “butt dialing.”  Septic Tank people called to say they had an emergency so didn’t come to us-coming this afternoon since ours is not an emergency. This morning I had annual mammo. I am at work but have to leave now that the boys are here. I got an email from your sister-just checking in. That’s nice for a change. Still haven’t got the mouse who gets the peanut butter. My colleague says if I bring in a brand-new trap he will show me how to set it foolproof. He says twist bacon around the trapper. I have got to catch this mouse. The dog had a restless night–lots of snorting and sneezing. SHe finally stopped and went to sleep but I got up and did aerobics. I think that’s all the news. I need L’s USPS address so I can send a Valentine. Ciao.

Belated Valentine’s Day Greetings

Happy V Day to you!  Hope your gifts warm the cockles of your heart and that cupid brings you a cock to warm.  That was disgusting.


How to Have the Best Valentine’s Day (Maybe)

Backstory: I am a single woman.

You are our Valentine now and always.  Buy yourself some candy and stay in bed and watch your favorite movie.

The Way To Her Heart Is Through Her Stomach

Just got an email from papa John”s…they willl be selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentines Day, sign me up !!!!

Your Dad’s A Full Time Job

Backstory: I sent my mom a Valentines Day card saying she loved me so much I’ll never meet anyone good enough.

I’m glad you finally figured that out!!! Just find someone like (your brother-in-law) and I’ll be thrilled!!! Forego the “marry someone like my Dad” proverb…unless you want TWO FULL TIME JOBS!!!

End of the Valentine’s Day Gravy Train

Me: I’m just saying that all my other friends get Valentine’s gifts from their parents.  You know, I could end up in therapy over a lack of a gift.

Mom: Well, your gift is moving out of your parent’s house and being able to have sex with whomever you choose with guaranteed privacy.  Think you’ll end up in therapy over that?

Valentine’s Day: A Day for Family

I wanted to ask you if you have any plans or plan to have plans on February 14 (VD). I was telling Tom that I have off for that whole week, and because I can’t really plan an entire family vacation, maybe we could come over and see you that night!

Love, Mom