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Me: Hey Mom! How was your birthday?
Mom: It was wonderful! We smoked and drank ALLL weekend!
Me: Umm …really? You smoked and drank all weeekend?
Mom: Yep! We made a pitcher of margarita’s and smoked a turkey and a brisket and even some sausage!!
Backstory: My mom thinks I’m in AA because I once took her to a restaurant that did not have a liquor license. On her last visit, she was convinced I planned to take her to the same place (even though it was a completely different restaurant) and sent a series of crazy e-mails explaining why she refused to go.
I was very clear in our discussion that we are unwilling to go to a restaurant that does not serve wine. Why is that so hard to understand? If you and your husband have taken a vow to abstain from alcohol – then do so. Why punish the rest of us?
The last time we were at X restaurant it was practically empty. It was our group and, at the most, four other people.
So in summary, we thought the food was pedestrian and the room devoid of ambiance. I can make this judgment
because almost every dish served I have cooked with much better results. I am not a professional chef, but definitely know food and what level of cuisine is being served. I think at 71 years of age you all can accommodate my request.
Be thankful I did not inherit my mother’s taste buds and asked to go to the Olive Garden.
Mom: How’s your knee? Are you taking anything for it?
Me: Nopers
Mom: What are Nopers?
Me: HA!
Mom: Not Kidding…what are they? Illegal?
Me: Nopers is a joking word meaning no, nope, noper and alas, nopers…..not taking anything.
Your phone accidentally called my office on Saturday afternoon about 5:45 and recorded a conversation you were having with two male friends. Included in this conversation was discussion of Axing Lexie and being stopped by the policy for smoking MJ.
Grammy was thrilled by your call. She is so pleased when you take the time to call her.
I am glad you are getting paid today. Let me know what is going on on the housing front.
Much love,
Mom
We can talk tomorrow….sorry I was a little down….I’m sure tomorrow will be better. And what’s up with this swine flu?? It should be the WINE flu and we could all drink to it!!!
xoxo Love you much,
Mom
Me: i should go into pharmaceutical sales
Mom: legally i hope
Backstory: I’m the oldest of four, and my youngest brother, who’s 16, was coming to stay with me for a few weeks in San Francisco. The day before his flight, my mom and I were discussing what he should pack for his trip.
Me: make SURE you pack the deodorant
Mom: you better get a lot of air freshener
Me: ew
Mom: I knew you were going to say ew
don’t worry, he’s good about deodorant
Mom: should he check or carry on?
Me: carry on is easier
Mom: Right
remember we talked about little person, little clothes, little suitcase? Well, imagine your 6 ft brother. his pants take up half a suitcase
Just kidding
Me: tell him to bring some nice shirts
Mom: He lives in his basketball clothes
for better or worse
Me: those are fine for the gym
Mom: no. he wears them ALL the time
Me: but he needs clothes for going out
Mom: yeah. I’ll put it all together
make sure to watch him. I’ve guarded his virginity all these years… I’d hate to see him lose it in a few short days
Me: omg
Mom: what… SF is sin city, isn’t it?
Dad got the OK from the doctor yesterday, everything is perfect and he told him to go enjoy life. Which he already does with drinking and smoking and gambling. Did I miss anything?
You know…food, drink, play…at our house. Did you have something else in mind? You could tell me what you want for food and a birthday dessert and I’d make you bloody marys or whatever. You could pass out and I wouldn’t let anyone take your picture and post it on the internet.
The floor guys finally showed up. Two arent stoned. Floors look great though!
Mom: You will NEVER believe what your father did last night!!!
Me: Oh Lord, did he fall off the ladder again?!?!
Mom: Hehe! No. He got drunk.
Me: Ok..?
Mom: He got so drunk, he ate a bar of soap.
Me: GROSS!!!
Mom: Yeah, no kidding. It was Irish Spring.
Me: Well is he ok?
Mom: Oh he’s just dandy. The only side effect is that he keeps burping and tasting it. Unfortunately, he’s not burping any bubbles, which is what I really want to see.
Me: Why?
Mom: I think it’d be cool to be married to a walking, talking bubble machine.
Me: You seriously need to redefine your definition of cool woman.
Mom: So do you want me to videotape it for you if it does happen?
Me: duh!
Dad and I went to Clapton last night and they had Guinness on tap. Yummie! I had too many black and tans last night. I beleive the year on the Guinness cart said “’since 1759″ which would be 250 years of delicious celebration.
mom: Yes, you might regret asking me that later so best to probably ask me later – get me drunk.
me: you don’t drink.
mom: Au contraire little one — $20 comedy club was not that long ago . . .
me: i’ll go buy the cheapest wine i can find then i suppose and get you drunk.
then maybe i can find out what that big secret is that you won’t tell me, and you were supposed to tell me before i got married.
mom: . . . get a BIG bottle of cheap wine . . .
or some Vodka collins’s
me: will do.
mom: Maybe I’ll just leave a note attached to my Will . . .
me:rude.
mom: ha ha ha
I’m just putting it off because you might get really pissed and I could not deal with that right now. so, yeah, get me drunk and if you get pissed then maybe I’ll die and I won’t know you are pissed but you will still have all my money so then if you have the money maybe you won’t be so pissed . . .
Me: Are you going to be here for Mother’s Day? I think we were wanting to take you and MawMaw to dinner or something of the sort.
Mom: YES
wow… do I have to pay??
Me: Lol… No you won’t have to pay! McDonalds it is! Wear your Sunday’s best!!
Mom: I was thinking Jack in the crack… 2 tacos .99
Me: Lol oh now mother… I can spend more than .99… hell I may even let you order a value meal!!!
Mom: oh my gosh.. that sounds awesome… not sure what I have done to be treated w/ royalty… but I am a lucky mother….
Me: Oh you are the best mother I have ever had!! You deserve this day to be papered!
Mom: papered… like weed??
Just wanted to remind you that Sat. at 6:00PM is the Kentucky Derby and it’s a great excuse to drink… I’m planning on making Mint Juleps for any neighbors that are available. We bought Kentucky Bourbon for the event.
Love,
MOM
Mom: So Judi is coming this Friday and staying for the whole week before your sister’s wedding!
Me: Oh, you girls are gonna have so much fun!
Mom: Yes. Don’t watch Cops.
Hi- just got back from the vet. He feels after asking a few more questions that the valium is better for Buster because you can give it to him as needed. He is calling it in to CVS Yeah! I will call him next week to update and as-long as we are good that will be it- Remember the valium is Buster’s – love Mom
saw your St. Pat’s Day photos on Facebook – looks like you had a good time – not that i approve of any of the things you were doing :-)
Me: P [my boyfriend]’s sorry he didn’t make it to breakfast.
Mom: He’s a boy. I understand if he was hungover.
Me: Ugh, crazy lady, he actually had the flu. This wasn’t drunk vomit.
Mom: Don’t lie to your mother. I’ve been there.
Me: ENOUGH.
Mom: I did coke with the band America!
Backstory: my friend and I went up to visit some of our friends at college about 2 hours away. My mother and I have a very honest relationship and she is NOT at all naive to the things my friends and I do…
Me: Hey sorry i just missed ur call. we just got here but its really loud so i will ttyl! night
Mom: Be safe gods watching
Mom: and Santa too
Me: AHHHAHA ohhh momma! u were young once, u know what its like!
Mom: Just remember God can forgive your sins i can only ground u.
