Aspirational New Year’s Resolutions

Backstory: My New Year’s resolution was to quit smoking.  My mom had apparently had a few which compromised her texting abilities.

Mom: Have you quit smoking!
Me: Pretty much
Mom: Cool.  I have given up drinkin4
Me: Why did you quit!?
Mom: Still dimling.
Mom: Got any cigarettes?

Not That Desperate

Backstory: I recently gave my mother a few mini-bottles of port.

Mum: You know, I can’t open one of the bottles. The cap turns and turns but won’t come off.
Me: Maybe you could make a little hole in it
Mum: What?! And drink it like a baby’s bottle??  I’m not quite that desperate, I’ll have you know.
Me: Ok, ok.
Mum: Nah, what we’re going to do is your dad’s going to hold onto one end, with a set of pliers, and I’ll use another set on the cap to unscrew it. And voila!
Me: Not desperate, huh?

I Watch Intervention

Me: We’re going out to this club downtown tonight
Mom: Make sure that no one puts an Ecstasy pill in your drink
Me: What?
Mom: I know about these things. I watch Intervention.

Old Friends Are the Best Friends

Backstory: my mum is getting new kitchen and was discussing it with her best friend, with whom she shares a passion for wine and cava. I got this text from her shortly after. Also, my mum had just gotten over a bout of flu.

I asked Linda whether to get a 6 or 12 bottle wine fridge. Her reply – “Well if that ain’t the dumbest question i ever heard. Must be 12. Need room for special occasion fizz, supply of day to day fizz and small corner to squeeze in a couple of bottles of the flat stuff. You are clearly still in a weakened state from the swine flu” I love my friend.

Are You Using?

Mom: Are you using?
Me: Drugs? Protection?
Mom: No, that nasal rinse I bought you!

If Dogs Can Smell It, So Can I

Me: I’m going to try to grub a cigarette from someone.
Mom: No! it could be laced with PCP.  I have to smell it first.
Me: PCP is odorless
Mom: If dogs can smell it, so can I

I Am Sorry About Your Bowels.

I just sent you some pictures of my class.  They had a great Halloween.  I am sorry about your bowels.  You need to take better care of yourself.  Eat a lot of fruit, nuts, cereal, and lay off the booze and cigarettes.  Especially the cigarettes.  UGH.

Glad you love the gym.  Have fun.  Love, m

Smoking and Drinking

Me: Hey Mom!  How was your birthday?
Mom: It was wonderful!  We smoked and drank ALLL weekend!
Me: Umm …really?  You smoked and drank all weeekend?
Mom: Yep!  We made a pitcher of margarita’s and smoked a turkey and a brisket and even some sausage!!

Why Punish the Rest of Us?

Backstory: My mom thinks I’m in AA because I once took her to a restaurant that did not have a liquor license. On her last visit, she was convinced I planned to take her to the same place (even though it was a completely different restaurant) and sent a series of crazy e-mails explaining why she refused to go.

I was very clear in our discussion that we are unwilling to go to a restaurant that does not serve wine. Why is that so hard to understand? If you and your husband have taken a vow to abstain from alcohol – then do so. Why punish the rest of us?
The last time we were at X restaurant it was practically empty. It was our group and, at the most, four other people.
So in summary, we thought the food was pedestrian and the room devoid of ambiance. I can make this judgment
because almost every dish served I have cooked with much better results. I am not a professional chef, but definitely know food and what level of cuisine is being served. I think at 71 years of age you all can accommodate my request.
Be thankful I did not inherit my mother’s taste buds and asked to go to the Olive Garden.

Taking Nopers

Mom: How’s your knee? Are you taking anything for it?
Me: Nopers
Mom: What are Nopers?
Me: HA!
Mom: Not Kidding…what are they? Illegal?
Me: Nopers is a joking word meaning no, nope, noper and alas, nopers…..not taking anything.

Grammy Was Thrilled.

Your phone accidentally called my office on Saturday afternoon about 5:45 and recorded a conversation you were having with two male friends. Included in this conversation was discussion of Axing Lexie and being stopped by the policy for smoking MJ.

Grammy was thrilled by your call. She is so pleased when you take the time to call her.

I am glad you are getting paid today. Let me know what is going on on the housing front.

Much love,


What’s Up With This Swine Flu??

We can talk tomorrow….sorry I was a little down….I’m sure tomorrow will be better. And what’s up with this swine flu?? It should be the WINE flu and we could all drink to it!!!

xoxo Love you much,

Job Opportunities

Me: i should go into pharmaceutical sales
Mom: legally i hope

SF is sin city, isn’t it?

Backstory: I’m the oldest of four, and my youngest brother, who’s 16, was coming to stay with me for a few weeks in San Francisco. The day before his flight, my mom and I were discussing what he should pack for his trip.
Me: make SURE you pack the deodorant
Mom: you better get a lot of air freshener
Me: ew
Mom: I knew you were going to say ew
don’t worry, he’s good about deodorant
Mom: should he check or carry on?
Me: carry on is easier
Mom: Right
remember we talked about little person, little clothes, little suitcase? Well, imagine your 6 ft brother. his pants take up half a suitcase
Just kidding
Me: tell him to bring some nice shirts
Mom: He lives in his basketball clothes
for better or worse
Me: those are fine for the gym
Mom: no. he wears them ALL the time
Me: but he needs clothes for going out
Mom: yeah. I’ll put it all together
make sure to watch him. I’ve guarded his virginity all these years… I’d hate to see him lose it in a few short days
Me: omg
Mom: what… SF is sin city, isn’t it?

How Dad Enjoys Life

Dad got the OK from the doctor yesterday, everything is perfect and he told him to go enjoy life. Which he already does with drinking and smoking and gambling. Did I miss anything?

You Could Even Pass Out!

You know…food, drink, play…at our house. Did you have something else in mind? You could tell me what you want for food and a birthday dessert and I’d make you bloody marys or whatever. You could pass out and I wouldn’t let anyone take your picture and post it on the internet.

I Like Those Odds

The floor guys finally showed up. Two arent stoned. Floors look great though!

Burpin’ Bubbles

Mom: You will NEVER believe what your father did last night!!!
Me: Oh Lord, did he fall off the ladder again?!?!
Mom: Hehe! No. He got drunk.
Me: Ok..?
Mom: He got so drunk, he ate a bar of soap.
Me: GROSS!!!
Mom: Yeah, no kidding. It was Irish Spring.
Me: Well is he ok?
Mom: Oh he’s just dandy. The only side effect is that he keeps burping and tasting it. Unfortunately, he’s not burping any bubbles, which is what I really want to see.
Me: Why?
Mom: I think it’d be cool to be married to a walking, talking bubble machine.
Me: You seriously need to redefine your definition of cool woman.
Mom: So do you want me to videotape it for you if it does happen?
Me: duh!

Guinness is Good For Moms

Dad and I went to Clapton last night and they had Guinness on tap. Yummie! I had too many black and tans last night. I beleive the year on the Guinness cart said “‘since 1759″ which would be 250 years of delicious celebration.

Spilling the Family Secrets

mom: Yes, you might regret asking me that later so best to probably ask me later – get me drunk.
me: you don’t drink.
mom: Au contraire little one — $20 comedy club was not that long ago . . .
me: i’ll go buy the cheapest wine i can find then i suppose and get you drunk.
then maybe i can find out what that big secret is that you won’t tell me, and you were supposed to tell me before i got married.
mom: . . . get a BIG bottle of cheap wine . . .
or some Vodka collins’s
me: will do.
mom: Maybe I’ll just leave a note attached to my Will . . .
mom: ha ha ha
I’m just putting it off because you might get really pissed and I could not deal with that right now. so, yeah, get me drunk and if you get pissed then maybe I’ll die and I won’t know you are pissed but you will still have all my money so then if you have the money maybe you won’t be so pissed . . .

Love, Mom