Burying the Lede

Backstory: I received this letter my second year of college, after a false rumor was spreading around my hometown about a possible impregnation of my girlfriend.  I saved it for posterity.

Here is the insurance card for your car.  I didn’t think you would be home before it was due.

I heard what the rumor was up at the school.  I only hope if that ever happens we hear it from you first.  Also I hope if you’re having sex you are using condoms or some sort of protection.  That’s all I’m saying on that subject.

No much happening here…cold and dreary today.  I’m washing clothes and need to do some baking so I’d better get moving.

Take care



Weather Related Advice of the Day

Dear Beautiful Children,
Whatever you need to do today, take some time outside to feel the sun on your face and arms, breathe slowly and relax.
Love, Mom

Agree To Disagree

big storm here.  ashley thinks that these roaring clouds are bringing jesus.  i think it’s gonna be a giant rabbit.  we have agreed to disagree :)


Trapped With Dad and Bro

Backstory: My mom lives with my dad and 17-year-old brother. I asked if we were invited to my cousin’s wedding.

Don’t know. I would guess so. I cant think about such trivia now. . . We are in the process of having another blizzard here. and i am trapped with the 2 whack-nuts for the 4th time in 2.5 months. This is like being pecked to death by a chicken

Snow Day for Mom’s Ass

Backstory: it’s snowing like mad here and I’m at work.

My ass is staying home. I’m calling in snow sick. When does your ass get to go home? Let me know when your ass gets there.

Life does not get any better for me!!!!!!

Sorry I accidently hit the send message before I was finished with the last text message. Just wanted to say that my day consisted of:

Running on a beautiful beach in 70 degree weather. Taking a 2 hour nap then going for a nice leasurely strole along the boardwalk and getting myself a wonderful dinner of fresh seafood soup and salad. I had a wonderful Trader Joes chocolate bar for dessert. The kind of bar I know you love. Now am watching nonstop TV, might even do a hotel movie. Total wonderful veg out day. Meanwhile:

You are stuck in shitty cold [my college town]. Stressing out over finishing your work and studying for exam week. Eating crappy dorm food and having to put up with your evil mother who constantly reminds you how crappy you have it.

Life does not get any better for me!!!!!!!!!

That’s a Scientific Measurement

Mom: how much snow in chicago?
Me: none really, it’s just wet outside
Mom: here its colder than a witches tit and blowing 50 mph
Me: oh my. so at what temp is it as cold as a witches tit?
Mom: 23 w/50mph wchill12


I    WANT     AN     ELECTRIC     STARTER    FOR    MY     CAR

SINCE   I     LIVE     IN     THIS    ICE CUBE     OF    A     STATE.

Presidential Thermometer

Backstory: I recently moved to Russia. As you may expect, it is colder here than at home. I was telling my mother about the weather and comparing it to President Obama’s inauguration in January, where I couldn’t feel my anything below my knees after several hours on the street.

Barack Obama is your new thermometer?

I’ll send you very warm (lined with thinsulate) gloves, hats, scarves, and BTW, you NEED a long down coat, dude!


Texting Out of Boredom

Mom: send me the link to your movie!
Me: ok go on skype
Mom: can’t. internet is out due to wind. just e-mail me. also i talked to gma gpa today. they will call you soon.
Me: ok. are you texting me out of boredom because there is no internet?
Mom: yes.
Mom: trees down. roads closed. power out for some.
Me: you could do a puzzle or something.
Mom: yep.
Mom: (picture message of my dog)

Weather Report Calls for Apocalypse

How was your day yesterday? Are you having much rain? According to the weather on tv, all of Calif. is going to be buried in a mud slide or float into the ocean. Take care and have a great time, but be careful. Love-Mom

Fresh from the Party

Me: Did you get caught in the rain?
Mom: Yes & a drunk girl jumped under my umbrella & apologized 4 doing so. I felt bad 4 her & let her stay dry. Only in ny.
Me: Ummm what? It’s 3pm!
Mom: She smelled like sunday pre-shower on college party weekend.

It’s So Hot…

Backstory: My mom had posted something on her Facebook account about how hot it is where we live, and this is how she replied to someone agreeing with her.

The squirrels need pot holders to hold their nuts!

Never Too Old to Wear a Hat

No matter how old you get, I can still tell you to wear a hat when it’s cold outside. And gloves. And close your pocketbook before someone steals your wallet.

Also: there’s a spot on your mirror you forgot to dust.


Backstory:there was a snowstorm while my dad was on a business trip.

I just wanted to share with you how very pleased I am with myself. I “snow-blowered” the whole driveway without hurting myself!! I stayed away from rotating blades and such, but I must admit I still have to work on nozzle control, that thing where the snow blows out. I looked like a snowman when I was done!

The dogs weren’t that impressed. They were like”whatever”, Beau goes “where are the deer in all this” and Leo was wondering whether he could still find his tennis balls (which he couldn’t as it turned out).

Anyway, I’m telling you: there is nothing that can boost self-esteem like working the snow-blower. If you ever feel bad about yourself, you know what to do!

Yes, I can!!

Proud in Pennsylvania,

your mother

Jacket vs. Ski Mask

Mom: http://www.shopstyle.com/browse/coats/Searle
The goosedown ones are still expensive but what better way to spend some of that money you must be earning with those long hours you’re putting in. The memory of shivering on NYC street corners when I was your age still sears. It sickens me to think of you in this weather in that little tweed coat. Act now before they disappear. xx Mom

Me: I’m not making overtime. I’m wearing my green down jacket from high school.

Mom: It’s not long enough. It doesn’t cover your bum. I have the red one Maisie got in junior high for her ski trip. Would you be willing to wear it? What about my mink-lined raincoat? You could belt it.

Me: Um…no. Anyway, my butt isn’t cold. It’s my face that’s the problem.

Mom: Okay, so freeze. What about one of those ski masks for robbing banks, with just holes for the eyes, nose and mouth? I could pick one up at Jiminy Peak.

Don’t Forget Your Mittens, Either

I just looked at the weather for Nashville. It is supposed to be 5 degrees there tonight. YIKES!!! It is also going to be VERY COLD the whole time that you are here. What time do you think that you will be home tomorrow? Please take a blanket in the car with you. I don’t want you to be cold. Love you lots. MOM

colder than a frozen douche

How’s it hanging toots? I want to hear how your first day went.  Emz showed me a couple pictures of you on  the computer from Prague (nothing bad),  You look good, Happy and relaxed or drunk I can’t tell so I’ll go with happy and a little buzzed.  This winter sucks so much weather wise.  It snowed heavy twice this week and it’s colder than a frozen douche.  Sorry I couldn’t resist. I was thinking the other day, I know now the world is in real danger now.  Wow , how egotistical is that statement? Life has a habit of becoming what happens to us not what we do. At the risk of sounding like dad “do unto life before it does unto you.” You know it would be funny if after years of Lollyism I turned into a spaceship carrying Scientologist. Thinking back on it, that’s their second commandment after honor L Ron Hubbard and all his cross dressing friends (not that there is any thing wrong with that).  Guess what you just called. Gotta go Lilly is on the phone.  love mom

May I Suggest Sturdy Shoes?

Mom: May I suggest boots/sturdy shoes for the walk tonight from your car to my front door? Sorry if this offends you, but I don’t want you to lose a pair of shoes. The snow that was there this morning may melt into ice or just freeze in place. Either way, it will be wet. Please place a rawhide in your pocket to leave with me for Archie. I checked my supplies this morning, and that’s all I need. Thanks.
Me: I’ve been wearing snowboots every time I step outside. Thank you for your concern.
Mom: I apologized in advance for my comment. Please remember the rawhide.

Weather Wusses

mom: get this, we had less than an inch of snow and they put out a level one snow emergency
mom: dorks
me: haha
me: that’s nice

Love, Mom