I Didn’t Just Fall Off the Turnip Truck

Me: This wedding is going to be a Tanya & Alice Production
Mom: oh yes, a T & A production
Me: Do you know what T & A stands for?
Mom: TITS & ASS
Me: Yes mom
Mom: I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck tanya.

Nuptial Preparedness

Backstory: My dear sweet mother knows I am not engaged or even seeing anyone at the moment.

Mom: What church are you going to have your wedding at?
Me: What?!
Mom: Your wedding… what church are you going to have it at?
Me: I don’t understand what you are talking about!!
Mom: You have to plan these things!

Don’t Spend 2 Much On Wedding Gifts

Backstory: I was telling my mom about how weird it is to be 19 and have 4 friends engaged. This was her thought on the matter…

don’t spend 2 much on wedding gifts, 3 of 4 will b divorced within a few yrs.

PASTIES IF YOU ARE BRAVE

Backstory: I am getting married at the end of May.  My mother called and asked if we wanted to go to the Phillies game the Sunday before the wedding (i am a HUGE Phillies Phan)  I told her my only concern was getting stupid tan lines from sitting in a stadium for four hours a week before my wedding.  This was her response….

PHILLIES TICKETS BOUGHT!!! YOU WILL HAVE TO BE COVERED IN SUNSCREEN,LOW TUBE TOP (PASTIES IF YOU ARE BRAVE-MAYBE PEOPLE WILL THROW MONEY!) BIG HAT!

Catty Post-Wedding Commentary

Backstory: This was my mothers response when I sent her photos from an old family friends wedding.

Yeah, Elizabeth is a natural blonde.

When did her legs get so unattractive?

Could Kathleen have married someone who looks more like Tom?

Looks like Kathleen is back on the sauce.

Rita is still alive!  She looks great!

Kathleen does a mean dance!

Looks like Kathleen is giving Elizabeth a pep-talk.  Is it because she’s not married yet?

I’m such a cat!

Airbrushed Makeup with Brian Champagne

Laurie and I are going to get airbrushed makeup for the wedding and we are having a trial run on Aug 2nd here in Houston with my facial man Brian Champagne (yes his real name). Would you be interesting joining us?
I think it could be really fun.
Let me know
Love Mom

Maybe the Camera Adds 10 Pounds?

me: started the hair trials for the wedding, here is a pic of the first one.

mom: Sweet…kinda… R u putting on a little weight or is the hairstyle doing that????

At 8 Months They Get Burlap

Backstory: N is my new brother-in-law

N. is telling me tomorrow is their 6 month anniversary
I said that is traditionally “styrofoam”

cake thighs cake thighs cake thighs

Backstory: This was my mom’s R.S.V.P to my wedding. T is my step-dad and R is my brother.

Hello honey,
Here is our dinner choices for the big event.
2 garlic shrimp (T and R)
1 chicken for me.
I also am requesting an end piece of cake, one with lots of frosting. Otherwise you will see me hitting the cake table a few times and that would not agree with my thighs. Oh well lets see– cake thighs cake thighs cake thighs cake cake cake cake! Cake wins (it always wins). I’m so excited I can hardly contain myself. (about the wedding not the cake) ……….cake wedding cake wedding cake ………lets not go there I’m just really excited!
love mom p.s.(I’m really excited for the wedding)

Long Distance Wedding Planning

Backstory: I am currently working two jobs plus graduate school and planning my wedding from a distance…panicked this morning about not having a veil or picking out the silk flower headpiece – so I just bought one, on the internet and had it sent to my mom’s house. And then asked if being an adult ever got better. This was her response.

It looks lovely.  I’ll be looking for it.  It does not have to match exactly colorwise since it will be separated from the dress by your head.
Mom
PS  No being grownup is often not fun.

Wedding Planning with Martha Stewart

Backstory: I’m planning my wedding and recently delegated a DIY project to my mom, complete with a link to an online Martha Stewart tutorial.

Hi. Great. I do SO want to help. Thank you. I already have some flameless tealights. I can get a few more. There is a kiosk in [local mall]. I also have some votive holders, which help to weight them down, as per Martha’s instructions. She is my friend, you know. I thought of adding her to the guest list, but held myself back. Not sure where the scissors got to . Will have a look.
We could do a work bee, but I’m thinking the invitations one is more important.

Your Dad About Plotzed

Backstory: I am getting married in 20 days, and my Mom is DIYing her little heart out. The current craft is putting together photo frames with the photos from our relatives’ weddings. Mom wanted to use plastic frames, and I told her not to bother, that I’d take care of it. This was her response.

ok, so what would you like? Surely I have more time to futz than you? Give me clear instructions, mein general, and i’m off and running, glue gun in hand.

I was using the glue gun yesterday and your dad about plotzed. “Where did you get that? Did you buy that just for the wedding?” As if. I only bought the paper cutter for the wedding. Your insane mom

Mothzilla’s Revenge

It’s really sad when the bridesmaids nix a dress that the bride kinda likes…. or say “it makes you look fat” things…. or the mother says “absolutely not – I hate it”. (I’m not going to be that kind of mother of the bride… (mothzilla!!!) unless she picks a pole dancing wedding gown then I’ll say it. :)

Spilling the Family Secrets

mom: Yes, you might regret asking me that later so best to probably ask me later – get me drunk.
me: you don’t drink.
mom: Au contraire little one — $20 comedy club was not that long ago . . .
me: i’ll go buy the cheapest wine i can find then i suppose and get you drunk.
then maybe i can find out what that big secret is that you won’t tell me, and you were supposed to tell me before i got married.
mom: . . . get a BIG bottle of cheap wine . . .
or some Vodka collins’s
me: will do.
mom: Maybe I’ll just leave a note attached to my Will . . .
me:rude.
mom: ha ha ha
I’m just putting it off because you might get really pissed and I could not deal with that right now. so, yeah, get me drunk and if you get pissed then maybe I’ll die and I won’t know you are pissed but you will still have all my money so then if you have the money maybe you won’t be so pissed . . .

All the Latest Appliances AND Tan Pants!

Backstory: more details about mom’s “all very real” dream she had the other night.
Mom: I forgot to tell you what your fiancee was wearing. He had tan pants on with an off white shirt that had a tiny red stripes going both ways. Like a plaid but with just 2 colors. Where is that guy? I could tell he was going to be good to you for the rest of your life.
Me: You’ve painted a very nice picture. I’d like to step into it. (But he could use some help with is wardrobe. It sounds like you picked him out of the JC Penny Catalog.)
Mom: Yes. Grammie would love to help plan the wedding. Oh she would be so excited. And the In-laws were so nice in the dream. All very real.

Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whacha Gonna Do

Mom: So Judi is coming this Friday and staying for the whole week before your sister’s wedding!
Me: Oh, you girls are gonna have so much fun!
Mom: Yes. Don’t watch Cops.

They’re…Artsy

Mom: I forgot to ask you what you thought of [your sister's] engagement photo shoot
Me: they’re. . . artsy
Me: are we going to have to stand next to oil drums and things like that?
Mom: that’s what Daddy wondered
we’re going to line up in front of garbage cans?
he said, “Won’t there be any NORMAL wedding pictures?
Me: but that’s the STYLE now
Mom: I know. [Your sister] spent HOURS finding the right photographer
Mom: I just hope there’s not a bunch of pictures of things like our FEET
Mom: I insist on the photo of Daddy with his pockets turned inside out
and the one where the groomsmen are dragging the groom into the church

Lucky Number Five?

Backstory: I had just gotten engaged literally the day before… and my mom already wanted to know when the wedding was.

Did you think about this, You were born on Nov 5, a Wednesday, and you met or had your first date on March 5, and you became engaged on a 5th!!

I guess it is to early to ask but have you talked about when?

Love ya
Mom

That Could Lead to Quite a Show

Backstory: I was going to a wedding and couldn’t decide what dress to wear. Fortunately, my mother had a few sound words of advice…

Dear J,
I really liked the dress you bought yesterday. The fit was terrific. However, before you wear it, please try it on during the day for H to make sure it isn’t too see through. One more thing – if you decide to use pantyhose without underpants – be careful not to catch the bouquet because the guy who catches the garter will have to put the garter on your leg while you are sitting down. That could lead to quite a show.

Have fun!

Love,
Mom

That’s No Gag Gift

Mom: OK….This is really weird.
I’m looking at S and B’s bridal registry on line…. They’ve registered for “Operation”… You know, that goofy kids game.  What the heck?
Me: maybe because S is going to medical school?
gag gift?
Mom: …and Clue, and Monopoly…and…
a bunch of electronic games….Wii and so forth
Me: huh, eeehh maybe they like to entertain?
Mom: Ok.
Mom: And a poker six deck shuffler, and Risk
Me: LOL
huh
Mom: Hmmmmm.  Maybe they’ve figured out some kind of kinky, newlywed way of playing these games…
Me: ew gross mom no
Mom: “I don’t have a Clue what you want dear…”  “Let’s take a Risk, shall we?”  “Don’t Monopolize the [fill in the blank here]
It could work.



Love, Mom