Case of the Mondays

I’ve had a crazy morning.  Went out to get the paper through the garage and somehow the door into the house locked behind me. So had to sit in the garage and wait till Dad got home from the YMCA to let me in.  My Cheerios were very soggy!  Then, I had to oversee the dumping of 4 yards of mulch on the driveway.  Followed by my desk falling apart (3 times) hitting me on the legs each time causing the keyboard and mouse to not work. Desk still broken, so I’m working on my lap, the floor and anyplace else I can find.
Not a good Monday!

Thought You’d Appreciate My Coolness

So today I was passing one of my mangers… who by the way is late 50s at best.. and I said ‘ what up ‘??

He said, ‘did you just say “what up” ??’ and I said ‘ word ‘

Thought you’d appreciate my coolness…

Love you!!

Snow Day for Mom’s Ass

Backstory: it’s snowing like mad here and I’m at work.

My ass is staying home. I’m calling in snow sick. When does your ass get to go home? Let me know when your ass gets there.

Head of the (Cl)ass

Mom: One of the boys at school found my home phone number and called and left a dirty message about what he wants to do with my ass.
Me: Really?? What did he say?
Mom: I don’t know something about he wants to pop it, or spank it.
Why would he like my ass?
Me: What exactly did it say, humor me.
Mom: Yo, Mrs.— I’m going to pop a cap in your ass.
Me: Omg Mom that means he wants to kill you.
Mom: Really? I thought he liked me.

Solution: One Hail Mary

Backstory: My sister has consistent problems with her boss and tends to complain to the family about their trouble. Mom was concerned.

I said a rosary 4 her. She doesnt need 2 b put down by a jealous bitch anymore. No wonder she has stomach problems & anxiety.

Educational Advice

Backstory: I wasn’t looking forward to grading a stack of essays.

You should tell them just to write a short sentence. Like a twitter!


Backstory: I had written my mom and told her that I was just trying to “maintain”. This was her response.

MAINTAIN- know you can do it. Be sure to take good care of YOURSELF. Don’t let anyone take advantage of YOU. ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR WORK! Will talk later. I thought that you and Diego were “an item”? Maybe it’s just the pressure of work. But we can talk if you want to. Don’t write back-know you’re busy.

Love, your mom who is full of advice

If You Visit a Site, They Put You on a List

I love you.  N was on vacation.  Then she was sick.  I have been at the reception desk more often to cover.  She also had some unexpected meetings.  I use her computer.  That is on the city system.  People have been using my computer when I am next door.  That is as it should be because it does not really belong to me.  That is why you have not heard from me besides the fact that we are not really supposed to use them for personal use.  I received 3 junk or suspicious e-mails.  It may be because people were using my computer.  Sometimes (I am sure you know) if you visit a site, then they put you on a list.  All of this is to say I miss you so much but I am not going to e-mail you from work.  Love, Mom

Boob Caught Where?

We have been so busy at work this week I think we are getting delirious. F [best friend at work] was over here earlier telling me how she got her boob caught in an occilating fan yesterday and I laughed so hard I had tears.

Dad’s New Goodies

Mom: Dad had his “new employee orientation” yesterday and came home with all sorts of goodies
Mom: like decent health insurance
Mom: and a picture frame

Put On Your Patience Sombrero

Backstory: I recently started a new job and sent my mom an email complaining about my incredibly strange boss.

Ah yes – plays well with others. Much harder as an adult. As I look back at all the freaks I’ve worked with, its definitely better looking back at the situation than being in the middle of it. Put your patience sombrero on and breathe deep. Some people are truly strange and beyond help. I know this is why they made you do group projects in school – to build your frustration tolerance.

If You Like Penis Coladas…

Backstory: I was bartending at the time.

me: i have to get ready for work now
mom: make lots of penis collattas
mom: love momy
me: you’re a freak

Work Report Card

Backstory: I had just received a really good performance appraisal at work and sent my mom a copy for her to see how well I did.

WOW you are an exceptional employee. I could have told her all that myself if she would have asked me. Your mama is very proud of you!! Here is my rating for you:

___More than Exceptional
_x__Off the Hook

It’s official you are off the hook with me yo!I love you, you little over achiever!!!!MOM

Shake That Thing

me: hi mom! what’s shaking?
mom: nothing, are you kidding me? i just got home from work and i’m too tired to shake a thing.

Email in the OR

Backstory: My mom is an OR nurse and was in surgery at the time, trying to look at a link I sent her via e-mail.

mom: I can’t look at it at work, they blocked it.
me: DUMB
mom: I know, way DUMB
me: what are you supposed to be doing?
mom: watching the field to see if they need anything
me: yeesh, it’s not like you’re saving lives or anything…
mom: Seriously! It’s just an eye.


Backstory: Momma works in a nursing home, and C is her much-older brother-in-law.

So, I’m at work, walking down the hall, minding my own business, not bothering anybody, and a resident was apparently trying to get my attention, which I failed to notice.  Next thing you know, she explodes “HEY FAT LADY!”, which of course causes me to turn around and look, to which she bellows “That’s right, YOU!!!  Get over here RIGHT NOW or I am firing you!  You’re as lazy as you are FAT!”  Needless to say there were 5 or 6 little skinny girls standing there who were highly amused at my expense.

Also, C informed me that he is, in fact, hitting on me.


Backstory: My mom e-mailed this to me at 11:30 am, and I believe she gets to work at 8 am.

I just realized that I forgot to put on my bra today. What the…….!

When Mom Works With High Schoolers

Mom: she [the boss] sent him home yesterday. he got off probation on wed so he smoked the W and was puking his guts up all over the street

Me:  umm get out

Mom:  well he is a VERY bad boy
even thought he keeps telling me he’s a man I keep telling him then he needs to start acting like one

Work Hijinks

Backstory: M. is her co-worker and D. is her boss.

m. and I are trying to think of a prank to pull on d.  There’s is currently a bucket of water (catching a leak) in the opera house attic that has a rotten rat floating in it.   we want to plant a fake rat and some gut juice or something near his desk.  Any creative ideas??

Handsomest Boy In School

Sounds to me like your performance review should be GREAT, but of course, I’m the mom and you’re the handsomest boy in school.   Let me know what’s going on…just as an FYI today is my last day at work until 7/21, so don’t e-mail me here after today, OK.

Love, Mom