Owning the Booty

Backstory: I posted a video of my mom trying (unsuccessfully) to do an underwater flip. She didn’t know about it for the longest time and then…

Mom: Why in God’s name did you put me on youtube? I’m so embarrassed!
Me: No one will know who you are…. Unless they know your butt reaaallllyyy well….
Mom: Well all the men who ogle my booty while I’m grocery shopping are going to recognize me right away. I’ll own it.

Advice on Being a Rock Star

Backstory: I’m the lead singer in a rock band and a video of one our performances ended up on youtube.

I just watched the new video and the performance was great. However, is there anything I can do to stop you from wrapping the cord around your neck? The show will not suffer if you don’t do it. I cannot believe it’s worth the risk of tripping and falling, of it getting stuck and tightening, of a fan thinking it would be funny to grab it – you catch my drift. None of that is even related to the main reason not to do it. The kid in Worcester (who had just signed with a label was getting ready to tour) died because “The pressure caused a clot in his jugular vein that and stopped oxygen from flowing to his brain. He appeared fine immediately after the performance, but later felt dizzy and had a lack of sensation in his legs. He died the following day at Boston Medical Center.” You wouldn’t even know it was a problem until it is too late.
So I am begging you, please don’t do it anymore. Maybe to give you old mom this little bit of peace of mind you’ll consider it?

Mom’s Makeover For Susan Boyle

mom: ok, did you not LOVE the scottish woman singer that kicked condescending Simon’s A???
me: what?
mom: that was one of the sweetest stories i have ever heard. it is on u tube too
me: I think pebbles has been doing her hair
mom: no one has been doing her hair
mom: she needs glenna to do her eyebrows. but no doubt she is already getting the makeovers!
me: for a second there I thought you had started watching American Idol, I would be disappointed…
mom: oh come on, you know better.
me: well you have been watching Oprah!
mom: well, that is only because it proceeds the news, and she does have some good topics some days. someone has to tell me about menopuse
freudian typo

He’s Ugly But the Song is So Sweet

mom: y do i luv hey there delilah so much? i luv it!

me: haha..what are you listening to?

mom: i found the music video on u-tube. i can’t stop watching it. he’s ugly but the song is so sweet & sincere its making me cry WTF?!

me: not only are you a year late but you’re nuts.

mom: LMAO! I know!
maybe he is not THAT ugly, just has a big nose like ur jim from the office. i want someone 2 write me a song!

Are you going to be a f***ing potato doctor???

Backstory: I sent my mom a particularly entertaining YouTube video involving a choir of singing potatoes.  She was either inspired by the Budweiser ‘Swear Jar’ commercial I also sent along, or she was *very* concerned I wasn’t taking medical school very seriously…

Child, stop watching f***ing youtubes and get the h*** back to work!!  What the s*** do you think you’re doing?  Are you going to be a f***ing potato doctor???  Love,

Your G**D*** Mother

Love, Mom